My Journey between Two Trees

Tree of Knowledge

It’s more obvious to some of us than to others, but we are all injured and captive in a fallen world. We chose to partake of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil and follow Mother Eve on this journey to increase our Wisdom and Knowledge.

Tree of Life

Wisdom and Knowledge begin when we recognize our captivity and then allow Christ to lead us to the Tree of Life. This process brings us healing, knowledge, and exaltation. Healing with Christ is the ongoing story of my own journey.

My Travel Log


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  • A Story to Tell
    God’s plans for us are not always standard. He has a way of turning our turmoil into miracles for our own growth and for the good of others.
  • Spiritual Satanic Ritual Abuse
    Ritual Abuse can occur spiritually as well as physically. In either case, the victim is broken and programmed with destructive, life-shattering emotional and behavioral patterns.
  • The Incident
    DID/SRA victims often begin to recover their lost traumatic memories around the age of 30. It can be very painful, but it can also be the beginning of healing. This is how it began for me.
  • Tear Stains on My Pillow
    After the Incident, I was broken. I began a lifetime of stuffing down my pain while trying to pretend everything was “normal”. It wasn’t always possible to keep up the charade.
  • How to Commit Suicide in 4th Grade
    Satanic programming isolates its victim and fills the mind with self-loathing, pain, and hopelessness, all the while keeping the source of trauma hidden. The only hope left to the victim is a hope for an end to the lonely life of suffering and misery.
  • Seeker Catches the Snitch
    When we become so lost and alone that we seem out of reach of any comfort or assistance, God has a way of showing us that not only can He reach us, but that He knows us better than we know ourselves.
  • Why Don’t You Like Me?
    The dark side uses traumatic abuse to shatter our spirit and destroy our self-worth. Once broken, we are taught a barrage of emotions and behavioral responses intended to reinforce the victim’s spiral into social isolation and self-loathing.
  • Joy in the Darkness
    Going into your school years as a trauma victim can make you feel like raw meat thrown into a lion’s den. It strongly reinforced my programming that I was broken and alone.
  • God Loves Broken Things, Pt 1
    As the dark side abuses its victims, it also teaches them to harm and abuse themselves. It then rewards self-harm with mockery and shaming. At a certain point a perpetrator is no longer required, because the victim will self-perpetuate the abuse cycle with self-harm.
  • God Loves Broken Things, Pt 2
    In our extremes we are often in a better position to give God our full focus and attention. The combination of being alert and humble allows Him to upgrade our lives and rewrite our truths if we will permit it.
  • God Loves Broken Things, Pt 3
    We each chose to follow Mother Eve into Satan’s fallen, painful world. We knew for a time we would forget our true selves and be captive to pain and possible abuse. Why would we chose this? Why would God allow it?
  • Lessons From My Thumb
    Opposition. Knowing we came to earth to experience it doesn’t provide much solace when we’re confronting it.
  • The Abrahamic Trial, pt 1: Purgatory
    When nothing seems further out of reach than God, that can be when we truly find Him.
  • The Abrahamic Trial, pt 2: The Personality of Christ
    But always in the wings is Jesus Christ waiting for us to express our faith and personal effort.
  • The Abrahamic Trial, pt 3: Freedom in the Fishbowl
    I heard two men outside of the padded cell. One fiddled with some keys, the lock clicked, and the large metal door swung open.
  • A Tragedy of Errors: A Schizophrenic Drama
    For those of us finding ourselves neck deep in dark programming, it takes a miracle to escape with our lives. I feel for my poor, worn-out guardian angels who have gotten me safely onto the path of healing in spite of myself.
  • The Darkest of the Dark
    I experienced that which awaits those facing utter damnation. It was bleaker than the worst trauma I’ve experienced in spirit or in body.
  • The Delighted Demon
    If the veil were lifted, and we could see the machinations of the dark forces arrayed against our freedom and happiness, we would likely be both terrified and more determined to reject their snares.
  • The Dragon Attack
    The repressed pain can come back as a “body memory,” and the pain can resurface at the location on the body where it was experienced.
  • The Unseen Battle
    Not much good comes from comparing ourselves to others. We are either lifting ourselves above another to feel “better,” or demeaning ourselves below another to feel that we are not enough.
  • Shame Begets Shame: My Babysitting Experience
    The dark side is adept at twisting humility into self-loathing and shame. They shame us after hurting us, they urge us to make missteps and then shame us when we do.
  • Meeting Jesus Christ and the Universe
    If Christ is real, then there is hope.
  • Rocking Chairs and God
    Not much good comes from comparing ourselves to others. We are either lifting ourselves above another to feel “better,” or demeaning ourselves below another to feel that we are not enough.
  • Two Sides to a Coin
    Heaven will often balance their trauma with extraordinary visions and manifestations from the Light. Anything a survivor might share about either type of experience is rarely believed by loved ones, therapists, or even their clergy.
  • Hell HQ
    with Christ, our greatest trials can be made into our greatest strengths, and Satan’s greatest victims can be transformed into his most powerful foes.
  • A Wake-up Call
    Temptations will come whether we invite them or not. But each time we reject a temptation we hand the dark side a defeat, and we strengthen the light side of our coin.
  • Floating on Feathers
    With great trials come tender mercies. They remind us that we are not forgotten after all.
  • Dissociating from Love
    DID isolates each part of the victim that’s been hurt. These parts can distrust and even hate one another. They have different priorities and memories, and it is all arranged to produce stark, unsettled isolation.
  • The Process and the Promises
    In order to fully heal, it is important to understand that there is a purpose in what we’ve gone through and that God, rather than abandoning us, has been supporting our life plan.
  • Do You Want Sushi, or Sushi?
    Three types of voices compete for our thoughts: promptings from the Light, confusion and deception from the opposition, and our own voice. Promptings from the Light gently lead us toward greater freedom, peace, and joy.
  • Do You Want Karaoke, or Karaoke?
    Discerning between Light and dark voices makes the difference between happiness and misery. The fruit of the Spirit of God brings joy and progress, but the fruit of darkness is misery and deterioration.
  • A Quiet Mind
    It may require new training to feel comfortable and at home with a quiet, peaceful mind.
  • Mary Magdalene’s Strength
    What follows was written by my boyfriend. His insights into Mary Magdalene’s life and trials give me hope. They also give me hope in Jesus Christ.
  • Willpower
    A person has limited willpower to expend each day, so cherish it and use it wisely. Count your victories, not your losses, and see yourself for the hard-core superhero you actually are.
  • The Fortress in My Mind
    When the dark side arranges the unimaginable against the most innocent, the mind wipe and compartmentalization of the event become a harsh but necessary blessing.
  • The Mire
    Survivors may struggle to accept and find meaning in a more stable, peaceful life.
  • Hold On
    Where was He!? How could He let that happen to me!? My logical conclusion—confirmed by terrible, real-life experience—was that I’m not worth His attention, that He doesn’t actually care about me, or that He does not exist. But I knew He was there, and this knowing rounded out my feelings of bitterness, gloom, and abandonment.
  • The Patronus
    For survivors, hope must be rediscovered, empowerment must be relearned, self-worth replanted, and the Light reached for against a current of despair.
  • Faith
    Faith is feeling abandoned, but reaching up anyway.
  • The 7 Steps of Healing with DID
    Each step can be messy, but this outline helps me recognize that messiness can actually be evidence of healing.
  • Pray for Nicole I’m Nicole’s boyfriend. This is my Facebook Post from last night.
  • JJ’s Thoughts on Mental Health and Suicide
    My summary does not tell the whole story, but it tells a part of the story the medical community is not equipped to explain.
  • A Mother’s View
    Loved ones suffer alongside the survivors of trauma and abuse and in some ways can be co-victims. Often, parents are innocent bystanders who feel powerless to help or even understand their struggling child.
  • There Were Miracles!
    This is a play-by-play after my leap off of Webb Hill in St. George, Utah. It’s a compilation of posts by my mother and boyfriend on social media from the day after my suicide attempt until my first week home from the hospital 3 months later.
  • Life’s Worth Living Podcast
    Nicole was invited as a guest on Jon Gossett’s “Life’s Worth Living” podcast series to talk about her suicide attempt. She gives details about her visit to the other side of the veil and the love and hope she found there.
  • Sex Trafficking & “The Sound of Freedom”
    My boyfriend and I were invited to Las Vegas for a private screening of Sound of Freedom, an absolutely brilliant film which tells the TRUE story of one of Tim Ballard’s most heroic and adventurous rescue missions.
  • The Reset Button
    There is not much value in regret, especially when your whole life lays ahead of you. Change what you can and turn the rest over to God. With Christ, our greatest mistakes and trials can be turned to wisdom.
  • My Birthday Chiasmus Miracle 12/02/2021
    I guess it’s my Special Day…
  • My Leap into Heaven
    My suicide attempt was not an escape from my earthly mission, and I paid a terrible price for going through with it. I did receive comfort and healing in Heaven but I knew my eternal healing and role were for this earth. So much so that I chose to come back into a broken and diminished body to fulfill it.
  • Healing with Christ
    Every frustration/enticement/adversity can actually be a spiritual growth experience.
  • I DID it!!
    The highlights of our stories are when we triumph after a fall. That’s why we’re here, after all: for those moments.
  • Redefining Luck Podcast
    To celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, Liana Tan and I explored the meaning and purpose of Luck. Luck can be made and it can be a gift.
  • May the Fourth Be With You
    I’m now sitting in the back of my parent’s car, my leg in a splint. We’ve just come from the hospital. I have been wiping away tears which are coming—but not for the reason you’d think.
  • Finding Comfort in Christ
    A church talk by JJ Brown about Healing from Trials and Trauma with Christ. Also, at the end, JJ talks about a sacred moment of healing he and I experienced with Christ.
  • No Other Gods
    Am I the other God I’ve been worshiping?
  • DID, Narcissism, and Jesus Christ
    Wednesday, June 8th , 2022 by Nicole Marie Hilton          Narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD, is a complex personality disorder that’s often misunderstood. Narcissism is defined by the Oxford Dictionary as an excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and/or one’s physical appearance.          On PsychCentral, it says that a clinician may diagnose narcissistic personalityContinue reading “DID, Narcissism, and Jesus Christ”
  • It’s About Him
    I asked myself just now—writhing in hellish nerve pain that has traveled up to the middle of my thighs because of John Ellis’s healing water: what am I supposed to learn from all of this???!!?!?!!?!!!?!!? Then I remembered the answer what’s-his-face taught me—if you haven’t healed from something…it’s because it’s serving a FUNCTION in yourContinue reading “It’s About Him”
  • I’m Living A Miracle
    This is a conversation/journal entry between who I believe to be God and myself. It’s what happened after the last post I wrote (“It’s About Him”). Okay Daddy, I posted it. What do you want me to do to help this pain? …I’ve just got this image of myself standing at the top of WebbContinue reading “I’m Living A Miracle”
  • Joan of Arc pt. 1: The Refiner’s Fire
    August 11th, 2022 I have experienced a transformation over the past few weeks, and life will never, ever, be the same. On July 14th, 2022, the gist of what I wrote in my Five Year Journal (which I highly recommend everyone get) was, “met with Dr. S (my psychologist)—and that didn’t really help me muchContinue reading “Joan of Arc pt. 1: The Refiner’s Fire”
  • Keep Your Pearls Close
    By Nicole M. Hilton Sunday July 10th, 2022 There are subjects too dark or too sacred for others to handle. People who haven’t been exposed to a crystal meth addiction, for instance, would be uncomfortable talking about it—even for five minutes—and would say that the “spirit left” as soon as the person started to tellContinue reading “Keep Your Pearls Close”
  • Dysfunction and Assimilation
    By Nicole Marie Hilton, a certain date to Monday, August 29th, 2022 I’m writing this at the outside table, surrounded by two of my brothers and their families, as well as my parents. The most stimulating comments range from, “which cow are we eating?” to, “please pass the salad,” and everyone is sweeping sweeping sweepingContinue reading “Dysfunction and Assimilation”
  • Set in Stone
    Or Equal and Opposite in All Things Including Christ the Rock This morning, I was getting ready to login to my scripture app, when the Spirit whispered to me, “Do you see that picture of Jesus Christ?” “Yes…” I replied. HG: “Do you remember what President Nelson said in last General Conference?“ I then replied,Continue reading “Set in Stone”
  • The Kaleidoscope
    Or The Cathedral, or Messages in Eyes and Water, or Looking Through the Viewfinder of God, or Perfect Six-Sided Symmetry in Stillness Written Wednesday September 7, 2022 I remember receiving my first kaleidoscope when I was about five and living in Salt Lake City. It was just a cheap toy, but I was still amazedContinue reading “The Kaleidoscope”
  • Martha’s Primary Mistake
    or How To Be Cinderella By Nicole Marie Hilton Thurs. April 28th, April 29th, Aug 31st, Sept. 8th 2022 I have been learning about Martha from the New Testament, and how to become a Mary. I’ve just watched Disney’s Cinderella (the live action version)–and Cinderella’s two stepsisters definitely fit the bill of being Marthas! (Although,Continue reading Martha’s Primary Mistake
  • Following the Spirit through Service to Jesus Christ
    Nicole Marie Hilton Sacrament Meeting Talk (with added media) February 9th, 2020 Thank you to JJ Brown and John Pontius for help with this talk (Very long one minute pause)             Are you getting annoyed that I kept you waiting for a minute? Imagine how your ancestors feel who have been waiting for the blessingsContinue reading Following the Spirit through Service to Jesus Christ
  • What Doth it Profit a Man? or Dadders in The Desert, or Joseph’s Journey
    By Nicole Marie Hilton, September 8th, 2022 So, we (my mom, dad, and I) are currently watching Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, at Tuachan—just outside of St. George, Utah, even as I write this. I’m sitting next to my dad up on the top level in my wheelchair. It may seem on the outsideContinue reading “What Doth it Profit a Man? or Dadders in The Desert, or Joseph’s Journey”
  • Miracle on Top of the World, or Ascension, or Chosen
    By Nicole Marie Hilton, on September 9, 2022 Have you ever felt like your heart is yearning for something so badly that it might burst out of your chest and make a mess of everything in your life? I have. My entire existence. I used to play the three piano pieces you just listened to—especiallyContinue reading “Miracle on Top of the World, or Ascension, or Chosen”
  • My Heavenly Home, or First Vision Day
    by Nicole Marie Hilton, April 8th, 2020 and September 11th, 2022 I’ve been wondering about this vision, which I had a long time ago… “I need to share…a week and a half ago, while I was visiting my boyfriend in Virginia, I woke up at 4 am. As I was drifting in and out ofContinue reading “My Heavenly Home, or First Vision Day”
  • The Selfself God
    By Nicole Marie Hilton Friday, April 20, 2018             I was sitting in the St. George temple baptistry recently, looking at a painting of Christ. He’s kneeling by a little boy and smiling at him with the kindest expression. The little boy is holding Christ’s hand and trusts him.             It struck me that God’sContinue reading The Selfself God
  • You Are The Reason
    or Listen, the Mirror of Erised, or the Dreamer, or Be Thou My Vision by Nicole Marie Hilton, Tuesday, September 13th, 2022 I’m a dreamer. Always have been, Always will be. Ever since I was born, I can remember looking around and thinking, Oh–this life is amazing! And it can be even better! I canContinue reading “You Are The Reason”
  • Thou Art There
    Or From My Hospital Bed, or Whither Shall I Flee, Or Don’t Let Go by Nicole Marie Hilton, September 27th, 2022 I’m here in the hospital–yet again. It’s a long story, but I wanted to let all of you, my readers, know that even though I’m in the hospital for the umpteenth time, I stillContinue reading “Thou Art There”
  • Unbelievable Uber
    This is a movie I recorded one night after Ubering around Salt Lake City years ago. I had picked up a girl who had lost her job, her boyfriend dumped her, and she’d been raped all in one night. I gave her some chocolate and we cried together in the back seat of my ToyotaContinue reading “Unbelievable Uber”
  • Unconditional Love and Hand Symbolism
    By Nicole Hilton, June 5th, 2018             Today I woke up feeling empty and depressed. It’s a feeling extremely familiar to me, which always sets in after a wonderful spiritual experience. (Such as I had yesterday with President Monson visiting me.) I should have expected it…but I keep on hoping that one day I’m goingContinue reading Unconditional Love and Hand Symbolism
  • The Sign of the Dove
    By Nicole Hilton, April 23rd, 2018 to present             Today my heart is full. I started getting my spiritual gifts back today—mainly the gift of being able to ask any question (as inspired of the Lord) and having it be answered in the most miraculous ways. Sometimes it was the whispering of the spirit, sometimesContinue reading The Sign of the Dove
  • The Stone Which Was Set At Nought
    By Nicole Marie Hilton in her hospital room October 1, 2022             I randomly just turned to Acts chapter 4, verse 11: “This is the stone which was set at naught of you builders, which is become the head of the corner.”             Isn’t that such beautiful imagery?             It’s like saying that James andContinue reading The Stone Which Was Set At Nought

23 thoughts on “

  1. I love you Nicole. You can do hard things. You can do this journey with one breath at a time, one muscle twitching reacting to your mental thought to move forward. Think, “I CAN!”. Align with God’s inspiration and think, “I WILL!”. One movement, one thought, one squeeze of the hand. Your life is going to be wonderful. You can do this! Your life is important. It has meaning. People from all over the world are cheering for you. God loves you, your family loves you, your friends and even people that have gotten to know you through your blog and facebook love you. Never give up again because this is your path. You were meant to make a difference and you are! I know you will rise from your hospital bed and keep influencing others to come to Christ through more writing and sharing of your incredible light for good. Nicole, know you can do hard things to the point that one day you’ll rise from your wheelchair. One day you’ll take one step forward and then another. Know God can move mountains from your life, even Webb Hill. There Will Be Miracles!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So I want to say thank you. Thank you for helping us to see the reality of Jesus, Satan, and eternity. It has transformed my wife, our relationships with our children, and with God. I am sorry for the pain you have had to endure, but because of what you have written because of this, our lives are infinity better. Thank you. Our prayers are with you!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Nicole. This is Brian Knox, the owner of Bear Naked Body Care. We met at the Washington County Fair. Thank you for sharing with me what you did in the short time we talked. I haven’t yet read a lot of your blog (a bit, though), but am looking forward to learning of your journey. It truly is all about Christ, who freed me from PTSD in a miraculous way.

    Liked by 1 person

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