My Journey between Two Trees

Tree of Knowledge

It’s more obvious to some of us than to others, but we are all injured and captive in a fallen world. We chose to partake of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil and follow Mother Eve on this journey to increase our Wisdom and Knowledge.

Tree of Life

Wisdom and Knowledge begin when we recognize our captivity and then allow Christ to lead us to the Tree of Life. This process brings us healing, knowledge, and exaltation. Healing with Christ is the ongoing story of my own journey.

My Travel Log

My Leap into Heaven

Every suicide attempt is unique and an entirely solitary ordeal. If you’re tempted to judge or qualify someone else’s experience, please, just Stop! God only knows. Let me witness that He’s not engaged in judgement but only deep love and compassion for a dear child who cannot feel it.

Sex Trafficking & “The Sound of Freedom”

My boyfriend and I were invited to Las Vegas for a private screening of Sound of Freedom, an absolutely brilliant film which tells the TRUE story of one of Tim Ballard’s most heroic and adventurous rescue missions. Ballard is the founder of Operation Underground Rescue (O.U.R.) which seeks to rescue and bring healing to victims of sex trafficking. JJ and I volunteer with O.U.R.

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Posts in Chronological Order (Recommended)
  • A Story to Tell
    God’s plans for us are not always standard. He has a way of turning our turmoil into miracles for our own growth and for the good of others.
  • Spiritual Satanic Ritual Abuse
    Ritual Abuse can occur spiritually as well as physically. In either case, the victim is broken and programmed with destructive, life-shattering emotional and behavioral patterns.
  • The Incident
    DID/SRA victims often begin to recover their lost traumatic memories around the age of 30. It can be very painful, but it can also be the beginning of healing. This is how it began for me.
  • Tear Stains on My Pillow
    After the Incident, I was broken. I began a lifetime of stuffing down my pain while trying to pretend everything was “normal”. It wasn’t always possible to keep up the charade.
  • How to Commit Suicide in 4th Grade
    Satanic programming isolates its victim and fills the mind with self-loathing, pain, and hopelessness, all the while keeping the source of trauma hidden. The only hope left to the victim is a hope for an end to the lonely life of suffering and misery.
  • Seeker Catches the Snitch
    When we become so lost and alone that we seem out of reach of any comfort or assistance, God has a way of showing us that not only can He reach us, but that He knows us better than we know ourselves. He has a way of catching us in ways we never would have expected.
  • Why Don’t You Like Me?
    The dark side uses traumatic abuse to shatter our spirit and destroy our self-worth. Once broken, we are taught a barrage of emotions and behavioral responses intended to reinforce the victim’s spiral into social isolation and self-loathing.
  • Joy in the Darkness
    Going into your school years as a trauma victim can make you feel like raw meat thrown into a lion’s den. It strongly reinforced my programming that I was broken and alone. Even so, when I could turn my experience into empathy to protect and serve others, I found myself.
  • God Loves Broken Things, Pt 1
    As the dark side abuses its victims, it also teaches them to harm and abuse themselves. It then rewards self-harm with mockery and shaming. At a certain point a perpetrator is no longer required, because the victim will self-perpetuate the abuse cycle with self-harm.
  • God Loves Broken Things, Pt 2
    In our extremes we are often in a better position to give God our full focus and attention. The combination of being alert and humble allows Him to upgrade our lives and rewrite our truths if we will permit it.
  • God Loves Broken Things, Pt 3
    We each chose to follow Mother Eve into Satan’s fallen, painful world. We knew for a time we would forget our true selves and be captive to pain and possible abuse. Why would we chose this? Why would God allow it?
  • Lessons From My Thumb
    Opposition. Knowing we came to earth to experience it doesn’t provide much solace when we’re confronting it. Facing extreme opposition as a child trained me to attract and fan the flames of more and more opposition in my life. It also robbed me of the emotional tools to cope with all of it. Some say we will never be tempted more than we can handle; it’s a lie. If it were true, then there would be perfect people on earth, and we wouldn’t need Christ’s atonement. The fact is, that for many of us, we are asked to confront more than we can bear and, then, we finally learn to rely on God.
  • The Abrahamic Trial: Purgatory, Pt 1
    What do you hold onto when all hope is lost and the world only sends you pain? When I’ve reached out, and found nothing, my last remaining hope was the idea of bringing the pain to an end, permanently. When that last option was taken away, God was my last hope. When nothing seems further out of reach than God, that can be when we truly find Him. When I shift my trust onto God, and his Son Jesus Christ, I’ve found lasting relief. I cannot become too dependent on God. The more I rely upon Him, the more freedom I experience and the more permanent my healing.
  • The Temple Prison, Pt 2
    https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/bofm/alma/36?lang=eng
  • The Personality of Christ, Pt 3
    In mortality we forget who we really are. Once in this vulnerable state, we are then confused and abused by the dark side. Great growth can be won by fighting through the gauntlet to regain freedom, peace, and our own identity. We must be the instigator of this healing process; it must be an expression of our own will. But always in the wings is Jesus Christ waiting for us to express our faith and personal effort. In my experience He is so much more than a healer; He is my kindest, smartest, and funniest brother. He is real.
  • Freedom in the Fishbowl, Pt 4
    By Nicole Marie Hilton, September 22, 2020             I heard two men outside of the padded cell. One fiddled with some keys, the lock clicked, and the large metal door swung open.             They found me sitting quietly, cross-legged, on the cement floor by the drain. The always-on bright light overhead lit up the whiteContinue reading “Freedom in the Fishbowl, Pt 4”
  • A Tragedy of Errors: A Schizophrenic Drama
    Becoming subject to programming from the dark side—whether by our own choice or through trauma or abuse—inevitably leads us into a spiral of self-destructive beliefs, attitudes, and decisions. For those of us finding ourselves neck deep in dark programming, it takes a miracle to escape with our lives. I feel for my poor, worn-out guardian angels who have gotten me safely onto the path of healing in spite of myself.
  • The Darkest of the Dark
    I experienced that which awaits those facing utter damnation. It was bleaker than the worst trauma I’ve experienced in spirit or in body.
  • The Delighted Demon
    If the veil were lifted, and we could see the machinations of the dark forces arrayed against our freedom and happiness, we would likely be both terrified and more determined to reject their snares.
  • The Dragon Attack
    Very young victims of spiritual and physical abuse often split in order to protect the child from unbearable and unimaginable pain and suffering. This makes life livable for them, if only barely. As they grow older, often around the age of 30, The repressed pain can come back as a “body memory,” and the pain can resurface at the location on the body where it was experienced.
  • The Unseen Battle
    Some believe Satan can only attack us if we invite him to, they believe Satan cannot harm us physically, and they believe little children are protected from Satanic attacks. DID/SRA victims know these beliefs are false. They are less than helpful and possibly even dangerous, because ignorance increases our vulnerability.
  • Shame Begets Shame: My Babysitting Experience
    Humility is a virtue and is supported by the Light. The dark side is adept at twisting humility into self-loathing and shame. They shame us after hurting us, they urge us to make missteps and then shame us when we do. They can even find ways to shame us when we make good choices. Shame is always from the dark side, and it should always be rejected.
  • Meeting Jesus Christ and the Universe
    If Christ is real, then there is hope. By overcoming evil and all sin, Christ saved us. Whether on Earth, after death in the Spirit World, or during the Millennium we will all have a chance to accept this free gift, which includes forgiveness, cleansing, healing, and restoration into God’s presence. It’s free, and it’s a package deal. But we must CHOOSE it and BELIEVE Him. I have reason to believe.
  • Rocking Chairs and God
    Not much good comes from comparing ourselves to others. We are either lifting ourselves above another to feel “better,” or demeaning ourselves below another to feel that we are not enough. As long as we are looking outside of ourselves for our own value, the dark side is winning. If we could only see ourselves the way God does, we’d know the truth about our individual worth and divinity.
  • Two Sides to a Coin
    Victims of ritual abuse are rarely understood or believed. They are often targeted for abuse by the dark side, because of their spiritual gifts. On the other hand, Heaven will often balance their trauma with extraordinary visions and manifestations from the Light. Anything the victims might share about either type of experience is rarely believed by loved ones, therapists, or even their clergy. This leads to further isolation. However, by embracing their gifts and experiences with the Light, victims can accumulate strength over the dark side of their coin.
  • Hell HQ
    In one way or another we are subject to Satan’s abuse. But with Christ, our greatest trials can be made into our greatest strengths, and Satan’s greatest victims can be transformed into his most powerful foes. In such cases, Satan may be forced to acknowledge his own hand in our new strength and power.
  • A Wake-up Call
    The dark side knows our personalities and our preferences and will take every advantage of that knowledge against us. While abuse victims are hurt against their will, it’s a greater victory for Satan to entice us to CHOOSE his ways. Temptations will come whether we invite them or not. But each time we reject a temptation we hand the dark side a defeat, and we strengthen the light side of our coin. Over time, these victories combine to change our very nature.
  • Floating on Feathers
    With great trials come tender mercies. They remind us that we are not forgotten after all. They can be a lifeline in the worst storms. The crueler the storm, the more tender the mercies can be. You deserve them, so seek for them and hang onto them.
  • Dissociating from Love
    DID isolates each part of the victim that’s been hurt. These parts can distrust and even hate one another. They have different priorities and memories, and it is all arranged to produce stark, unsettled isolation. Relationships with others becomes complicated, and if the programming is threatened with a healthy, romantic relationship then disruptive defenses are triggered.
  • The Process and the Promises
    In order to fully heal, it is important to understand that there is a purpose in what we’ve gone through and that God, rather than abandoning us, has been supporting our life plan. This is necessary, because we cannot fully heal without God. When I have asked, God has led me to greater understanding of my suffering and a path to healing. He has also given me the support I need to walk that path.
  • Do You Want Sushi, or Sushi?
    Three types of voices compete for our thoughts: promptings from the Light, confusion and deception from the opposition, and our own voice. Promptings from the Light gently lead us toward greater freedom, peace, and joy. The dark side will play into our ego, urges, and worldly wants to lead us to a loss of freedom, distraction, and unhappiness. Learning to discern between these voices is the most critical tool in overcoming our captivity. Seeking for and heeding promptings from the Light is the quickest path to knowing God and discovering how much he loves us. By following my spiritual promptings, Heavenly Father was able to effortlessly upgrade my joy and my ability to serve.
  • Do You Want Karaoke, or Karaoke?
    Discerning between Light and dark voices makes the difference between happiness and misery. The fruit of the Spirit of God brings joy and progress, but the fruit of darkness is misery and deterioration. In spite of heeding the wrong voice, Heavenly Father still found a way to show me He loves me.
  • A Quiet Mind
    Victims of trauma rarely experience peace of mind. Their thoughts can be a cacophony of inner voices and emotions tumbling in and out of the frame. When the victim does experience a moment of stillness, it can be fleeting and sometimes even troubling. It may require new training to feel comfortable and at home with a quiet, peaceful mind.
  • Mary Magdalene’s Strength
    What follows was written by my boyfriend. His insights into Mary Magdalene’s life and trials give me hope. They also give me hope in Jesus Christ.
  • Willpower
    The dark side uses trauma to infect our minds with powerful packages of negative thought patterns, emotions, and behaviors. They’re often reinforced with a stream of voices that invade our minds. It takes tremendous willpower, in the face of this barrage, for trauma victims to “do the right thing” and “say the right thing” all day long. Friends and family notice the slip ups but are unaware of the hundreds of victories that go unnoticed and unrewarded. A person has limited willpower to expend each day, so cherish it and use it wisely. Count your victories, not your losses, and see yourself for the hard-core superhero you actually are.
  • The Fortress in My Mind
    When the dark side arranges the unimaginable against the most innocent, the mind wipe and compartmentalization of the event become a harsh but necessary blessing. Though a protection, the dissociation expresses itself as a mental illness—a disease against peace of mind and relationships. When the time for healing comes, Pandora’s box must be opened—for what’s inside is what needs to be healed…yet it might be opened in different ways for different people—with me, only emotions manifest. My frustration with this was evident when, in 2016 I prayed for my actual memories to come back (written about here). This is a poetic metaphor about that experience.
  • The Mire
    Surviving Trauma can be an extreme roller coaster–lots of low, some highs and not a lot in between. Survivors can experience spiritual highs which balance out the terrible lows. It’s possible to become accustomed or addicted the extremes which give meaning and definition to a traumatic life. To adjust to a life of peace means to become accustomed to a much slower and simple ride. Survivors may struggle to accept and find meaning in a more stable, peaceful life.
  • Hold On
    I’ve cursed God—at the top of my lungs—with every insult available to me. Where was He!? How could He let that happen to me!? My logical conclusion—confirmed by terrible, real-life experience—was that I’m not worth His attention, that He doesn’t actually care about me, or that He does not exist. But I knew He was there, and this knowing rounded out my feelings of bitterness, gloom, and abandonment. Three times when suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane, Christ begged God to make it all stop. God let it go on. And then, at the worst moment on the cross, Christ was left completely alone. I’ve discovered that Christ does understand. I’ve learned to put my faith on Him, and He connects me to the Father…a loving, caring, and responsive Father.
  • The Patronus
    The Mind is a battleground between Light and dark. The dark side uses abuse and trauma to overtake the mind and turn it into a killing field, destroying all hope, empowerment, self-worth, and light. Agency is neutralized as the victim’s mind is flooded with a torrent of dark choices. For survivors, hope must be rediscovered, empowerment must be relearned, self-worth replanted, and the Light reached for against a current of despair.
  • Faith
    By Nicole Hilton, August 17th, 2020             I don’t think I’ve talked about it before on this blog, but I have a sleeping disorder. It started in 2018, when, for a whole week, I literally couldn’t sleep. I ended up in the psychiatric hospital and became a zombie, living in a perpetual death-like state whereContinue reading “Faith”
  • The 7 Steps of Healing with DID
    Here is a useful description of steps of the healing process for those with DID. Sometimes healing involves fusing the various alters, but not always. Elements of each step can bleed between these steps, and elements of the early steps will still present themselves even during later steps. Each step can be messy, but this outline helps me recognize that messiness can actually be evidence of healing.
  • Pray for Nicole
    http://www.facebook.com/509944830/posts/10158615791249831/ I’m Nicole’s boyfriend. This is my Facebook Post from last night.
  • JJ’s Thoughts on Mental Health and Suicide
    I am JJ Brown, Nicole’s boyfriend. I wrote this on my Facebook to help others to understand how Nicole and so many others could be so afflicted with the mental health issues they face. It is a complicated issue. My summary does not tell the whole story, but it tells a part of the story the medical community is not equipped to explain.
  • A Mother’s View
    Loved ones suffer alongside the survivors of trauma and abuse and in some ways can be co-victims. Often, parents are innocent bystanders who feel powerless to help or even understand their struggling child. These parents also need to know that it’s not their fault and that they are supported and understood. The level of helplessnessContinue reading “A Mother’s View”
  • There Were Miracles!
    This is a play-by-play of my leap off of Web Hill in St. George, Utah, as recorded by my mother and boyfriend on social media, from the day after my suicide attempt until my first week home from the hospital 3 months later. I fell 60 feet and then rolled another 40 feet down the cliff. That was the beginning of a long stream of miracles. Among those, was my mother’s decision to go against her natural inclinations and social training to honor me by doing what she knew I would want her to do: go public with the truth.
  • Life’s Worth Living Podcast
    Nicole was invited as a guest on Jon Gossett’s Life’s Worth Living podcast series to talk about her suicide attempt. She gives details about her visit to the other side of the veil, and the love and hope she found there.
  • Sex Trafficking & “The Sound of Freedom”
    My boyfriend and I were invited to Las Vegas for a private screening of Sound of Freedom, an absolutely brilliant film which tells the TRUE story of one of Tim Ballard’s most heroic and adventurous rescue missions. Ballard is the founder of Operation Underground Rescue (O.U.R.) which seeks to rescue and bring healing to victims of sex trafficking. JJ and I volunteer with O.U.R.
  • The Reset Button
    There is not much value in regret, especially when your whole life lays ahead of you. Change what you can and turn the rest over to God. With Christ, our greatest mistakes and trials can be turned to wisdom.
  • My Birthday Chiasmus Miracle 12/02/2021
    I guess it’s my Special Day…
  • My Leap into Heaven
    Every suicide attempt is unique and an entirely solitary ordeal. If you’re tempted to judge or qualify someone else’s experience, please, just Stop! God only knows. Let me witness that He’s not engaged in judgement but only deep love and compassion for a dear child who cannot feel it.

5 thoughts on “

  1. I love you Nicole. You can do hard things. You can do this journey with one breath at a time, one muscle twitching reacting to your mental thought to move forward. Think, “I CAN!”. Align with God’s inspiration and think, “I WILL!”. One movement, one thought, one squeeze of the hand. Your life is going to be wonderful. You can do this! Your life is important. It has meaning. People from all over the world are cheering for you. God loves you, your family loves you, your friends and even people that have gotten to know you through your blog and facebook love you. Never give up again because this is your path. You were meant to make a difference and you are! I know you will rise from your hospital bed and keep influencing others to come to Christ through more writing and sharing of your incredible light for good. Nicole, know you can do hard things to the point that one day you’ll rise from your wheelchair. One day you’ll take one step forward and then another. Know God can move mountains from your life, even Webb Hill. There Will Be Miracles!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So I want to say thank you. Thank you for helping us to see the reality of Jesus, Satan, and eternity. It has transformed my wife, our relationships with our children, and with God. I am sorry for the pain you have had to endure, but because of what you have written because of this, our lives are infinity better. Thank you. Our prayers are with you!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Nicole. This is Brian Knox, the owner of Bear Naked Body Care. We met at the Washington County Fair. Thank you for sharing with me what you did in the short time we talked. I haven’t yet read a lot of your blog (a bit, though), but am looking forward to learning of your journey. It truly is all about Christ, who freed me from PTSD in a miraculous way.

    Liked by 1 person

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