This is a conversation/journal entry between who I believe to be God and myself. It’s what happened after the last post I wrote (“It’s About Him”).
Okay Daddy, I posted it. What do you want me to do to help this pain?
…I’ve just got this image of myself standing at the top of Webb Hill, completely healed, my parents rushing up there in confusion, saying, “how on earth did she get up there?!” Then they seeing me standing up there. They get out of the car and they cannot believe their eyes. Then I smile and we run to each other and fall into each other’s arms, and sink to the ground, sobbing.
Why can’t it happen that way? And why am I afraid and not opening my mind to what you undoubtedly are trying to tell me?
“Peace, my daughter. Your suffering is a moment in time—just a moment. It’ll be over sooner than you think. I am here. I’m trying to teach your more newly integrated parts (you have more than you realize) as fast as they’ll go—which is quite fast—that it actually pays to trust in Me. Do you remember?”
(He then quoted a song I wrote after I finished the seventh Harry Potter book, a song I didn’t remember):
“Just Trust in Me, we will find the way, trust in Me, it’ll be okay…tears will fall, dawn will come, clouds will break through to Son…Love’s will be done. When you’re cold, and scared, trust in Me…..”
Well, I’m really really cold from all these neuropathy shocks, and I’m very, very scared, Father. I’m scared that I’m going to be in this level 9 pain for the rest of my life! And I have very, very good evidence that that will be the case. If I could but feel energy healing me or Heavenly hands I’d feel so much better. Why can I not feel that right now?
“Because one of your shattered parts has been fronting and needs to learn how to access this gift.”
Then, taking another leap of faith by watching Don’t Miss This, I gathered this quote:
“Where there is abundant grief, there will be joy. This is who God is and how He works. We can live in expectation of a fullness to come, because that’s who He is, and what He does.”
Well, after Emily Freeman said that, I felt warmth on my hands. Then she asked,
“What restoration are you longing for?”
I thought, the restoration of, at the very least, my bowels and bladder working, the restoration of my peace and faith in God, and the restoration of the Holy Spirit in my life!
I garnered a bit of faith…of expectation…of hope for the future. I tried to keep it in my mind and heart.
Then, I randomly found this quote from ACIM:
If you knew who walks beside you on the path that you have chosen, fear would be impossible!
A Course in Miracles
Later, this is what happened:
Journal entry for next day
So, this healing water from John Ellis is what woke up the nerve endings in my feet and calves a year ago—and they’ve been awake ever since, causing me unheard of pain that I’ve managed with a whole lot of medications…until now.
My Spirit has been gunning for a leap of faith. I have a friend who’s been doing all sorts of therapies to wake up the nerves in his legs so he can walk again, and the last time I saw him, he was in so much pain he couldn’t even think straight. I offered for us to go get some John Ellis water (look it up!) because he believes the only way out is through the pain. (Aka, by waking up all the nerve endings and unifying the tears in the nervous system to the point where your flesh responds to your brain’s commands.)
I felt very foolhardy (this came from not being able to urinate by yourself for a year and a half, and having a solution in this magic water dangle right before you for “just” the price of pain) saying,
“God, you’ve caught me so many times before but this part of me doesn’t remember…but I’m going to go out on a limb here, and I’m going to ask you, when I jump…will you catch me?? You have caught me before so many times, but I—this part of Nicole—needs to know you’ll do it again for me, too.”
So, we got the water, and I proverbially jumped.
…..Later, after drinking this d%^*#!d water all day, walking my nerves up to the point where burning at the stake would be equal to the experience, I begged JJ through tears and gritted teeth to give me a healing blessing to take the pain away and he couldn’t. So, I’m screaming and crying and my Dad and Mom come down. Mom gave me more pills and was crying over me, Dad put hands on my head, and I honestly don’t remember anything after that. I sorta…maybe remember him saying words but then it was all blessed sleep and blackness.
Next thing I know, I’m waking up with the morning sun coming through the shades, my heart isn’t beating erratically anymore, there’s no beads of sweat falling from my forehead because of unheard of pain—but, there is a PLEASANT tingling sensation in both of my legs—and it’s higher than ever. Yes, I can’t walk yet—but this miracle proves to me that someday, I will.
I didn’t take any pain meds today. First time since I woke up in the hospital at the end of 2020.
I’m a living Miracle.
(When reading this to JJ after, with the requisite amount of faith because of my dissociative brain, I felt warmth on my arms, and again, while editing I felt angels healing and adjusting the bones in my right leg. The lesson? God is real. And He will reach your reaching. I’m learning this over and over and over because of my many parts. Please forgive me if my writing seems circular. But I believe that humans don’t learn in a straight line, anyway, and if there is still truth in what I say, it is still important.)
Healing with Christ 