By Nicole Marie Hilton, March 24, 2020
The dark side uses trauma to infect our minds with powerful packages of negative thought patterns, emotions, and behaviors. They’re often reinforced with a stream of voices that invade our minds. It takes tremendous willpower, in the face of this barrage, for trauma victims to “do the right thing” and “say the right thing” all day long. Friends and family notice the slip ups but are unaware of the hundreds of victories that go unnoticed and unrewarded. A person has limited willpower to expend each day, so cherish it and use it wisely. Count your victories, not your losses, and see yourself for the hard-core superhero you actually are.
Several weeks ago, while driving in my car, I had a revelation. It was so revolutionary, so insightful, that I wept openly. It shed such a complimentary light on my life that I felt an enormous burden lifted from my shoulders.
This revelation came about, funnily enough, when I was listening to Susan Peirce Thompson, a weight loss revolutionary and founder and CEO of Bright Line Eating. She also has a doctorate in Brain and Cognitive Sciences.
Now, hang with me here—I’m mentioning my food addiction/eating clean journey, but don’t leave if that’s not your thing. That’s not what this post is about at all—which you’ll see by the end of the post. This revelation was about people who struggle with DID and Satanic programming—as I do—and the reality of what we go through every day. The reality of just how strong we are.
Susan was describing how those of us who struggle with food addiction or weight loss make the one big mistake. That mistake is relying upon willpower to see us through. She went on to explain that up until 1998, scientists didn’t actually know that willpower actually existed—it was only an idea. But in that year, scientists proved that willpower actually exists. They did this through an ingenious experiment called the Radish Experiment.
Scientists invited test subjects to a lab, and they were told to skip a few meals and come hungry. When the people arrived, they were hit with the aroma of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. When the people got to the waiting room, they saw a bowl of freshly washed radishes next to a bowl of those same cookies.
Some people were told to eat 2-3 radishes over the course of 5 minutes, or they were told to eat 2-3 cookies. (There was also a control group who arrived, but who didn’t eat anything at all.)
After eating, the test subjects were asked to sit and fill out a lengthy questionnaire with the food right in front of them. They were then taken to a different room to do what they thought was the real experiment—which was a “test” of their cleverness. But actually, it was a set of impossible-to-solve geometry puzzles. The test was to see how long people would persist at those.
Researchers didn’t expect the results to be as dramatic as they were. The people who had eaten the radishes—and therefore had to expend willpower to resist the cookies and the chocolates—were not able to persist at the geometry puzzles for very long. They, on average, were only able to do about 8 minutes of work before they got frustrated and gave up.
The people who were allowed to eat the cookies and the chocolates, however, persisted 2-2.5 times longer, than the people who ate the radishes. Why? Because they had not used up their willpower. They persisted at the puzzles for 18-20 minutes on average.
This is actually, in the world of science, a very statistically significant difference between the two groups.
The researchers, after this earth-shattering revelation, followed up with a series of experiments to prove that anything you do that taps your self-control, also uses up your willpower. This proved true even when the subject isn’t necessarily resisting temptation. Simple activities such as making decisions like checking email, monitoring and regulating your emotions (imagine parents dealing with their kids), making sure your task performance is good (like giving a talk and not saying “um” or “ah”)—all of these pretty “basic activities” tap the same part of the brain, and leave us in a state of willpower depletion.
We then experience what Susan calls “the willpower gap”. This is where you grab your plate at the buffet and start down the line, and suddenly you rationalize that it’s a nice night for pasta instead of a salad.
So, willpower is a thing. It’s like a rechargeable battery that drains quickly. It drains and depletes because of all kinds of activities we engage in on a daily basis—making decisions, regulating our emotions, task performance, resisting temptations—and our willpower, on average, only lasts about 15 minutes before it’s sapped.
Researchers actually figured out a way to measure this, and they determined that we—on average—spend four hours a day resisting temptations—one of the key things that drains willpower.
So, all these things we do drain our willpower, then leave us in a state of vulnerability, of which we are unaware. There’s no alarm that goes off and says, “you’re now susceptible to the willpower gap”. You might find that the “volume” on life is turned up a little bit. (If your kids, partner, or loud sounds are agitating you a little more.) Other than that, there’s no marker of depleted willpower.
So we do all these draining activities—“adulting,” some people call it—and then we’re driving home in traffic—again, draining our willpower—and right then, you’re supposed to decide what you’re going to have for dinner? It’s like the world’s cruelest joke! The moment you need your willpower to make a good decision for your body might always be the moment you are depleted! No wonder 70% of our whole nation is overweight and obese!
After I heard all that, I realized something: the fact that I get anything done is nothing short of a miracle.
Do you know how hard people with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and abuse victims have to fight just to get through each day? First of all, we have to juggle the priorities and vulnerabilities of multiple alters everyday. Can you imagine having multiple voices in your head speaking up—or even screaming to be heard—whenever you have to make a decision? Usually, I have at least two parts of me battling out decisions in my head—and that’s hard enough. (Read here for an example of what my mind goes through).
If that isn’t enough, ritual abuse victims are spiritually programmed to exhibit some, if not all, of the 7 deadly sins. I personally believe I was heavily programmed with all of them, to the extent that I developed addictions and patterns of behavior, which I’m sorry to say, became parts of my character. I’ve spent my entire life literally having to de-program and teach and convert every single personality—some of which who aren’t older than 5—to exhibit the virtues I want instead of acting out as I was taught to by the demons and other perpetrators.
I’m part of several Facebook groups that are DID/SRA based. Here are some typical things people have said in those groups:
“My kids are 9 and 11 years old. My ‘system’ is all boys. So they had to pretend to be me for years around my kids.”
“Anyone else have a personality that doesn’t like their significant other???”
“Do y’alls alters have different religions? Bc I have the hardest time with _____ (who is Church of Jesus Christ) and _____ (who is Pagan).”
“This may sound really stupid and may be triggering…I’m not sure. I am embarrassed to even ask this question. Every time I have a knife in my hand, I have the thought to stab myself. Not that I would ever do it or even want to, I was wondering if anyone else hears this. I hope you don’t think I’m crazy. Not sure if this is an SRA thing. This is hard for me to say. I think I said this before too that we have the voice inside to jump in front of a car when we are on a walk too. And off any high place too, wow! I sound really crazy now!”
I have personally dealt with three out of four of these voices my entire life—they have been a daily reality for me—and hundreds of people commented, stating that they had experienced these same dark promptings, too. What could be more draining on a person’s willpower than having to battle these types of thoughts all day and even in their dreams? If the average person spends 4 hours a day resisting temptations, the average person with DID spends 24/7 resisting temptations—some of which are life threatening.
I started crying while driving when this bevy of realizations hit my mind: This is why I could never do my homework when it felt like “work” growing up. Why I needed so much help just getting started. Why I had to force my way through college. Once I even got an “incomplete” in a class because I Just. Could. Not. Do. My final paper. It took me six months to complete it—and I only did because my mom promised me a NEW PIANO if I did. I’m not stupid, I’m not slothful…I am freaking Wonder Woman. Look at what I’ve accomplished in my life! This is why it’s been so hard to control my food intake—my willpower is ALWAYS shot. I should be 400+ pounds, but I’m not because I FIGHT so freaking hard. I am a FIGHTER. Everyday. This is why I gave into my addictions so often when growing up. This is why I’ve been seen as ‘lazy’ at times to my family. It’s because I’m working 10x HARDER than everyone else! All of the time! Despite everything Satan has done to tell me that I’m a creature who is greedy, full of lust, gluttonous, angry, lazy, prideful, or envious of everyone around me…I constantly fight those programs—those voices which are seeded so deeply inside of me. I constantly repent if and when I give in to those voices. I’m a superstar. I’m a conqueror! Satan will never, ever be able to convince me again that I am a failure. I’m an absolute success.
Realize, dear reader, that if you have Dissociative Identity Disorder and/or you have Ritual Abuse programming, and you believe you are weak…you are wrong. You’re just plain wrong. And if others put you down, saying that you’re a failure, they are 100% wrong, too. The only reason we aren’t all serial killers who weigh 500 pounds is because we are strong, and we are winning.
Wherever you are in your journey, be kind to yourself. *Try to see yourself through the lens of God. He knows what you’ve been through, and He factors in everything—even your willpower stores at any given moment of any day.
Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ truly know what it takes to get out of bed. To even, sometimes, just breathe in and out every day.
So, check in with your willpower. Be aware when you are using it, and when it gets depleted. Rely on the things that restore your willpower—create a list and use it. Learn how you get restored, and do those things that restore you. For me, prayer, reaching out for human connection, gratitude lists, meditation, and service are a few of the proven things that restore willpower—in the moment! Get the life you want, because you, my friend, deserve a beautiful, beautiful life.
*These are parts of a blessing I received which can apply to anyone battling against programming:
“The feelings that have been programmed in your heart, mind, and soul are from the dark side. They have been put in you against your will irrespective of any strength you have or faith. They were placed in you while you were in a vulnerable state, when it was not your choice or decision to accept them; they were forced upon you.
“When your feelings come up that have been programmed into you: that you lack love, that you do not have feelings, that you do not have energy, that you do not have health, that you do not have self-control, that you are worthless, or bad or weak, these are all lies that have been placed in you with feelings and emotions attached. These emotions will continue to arise in you throughout your life. However, they are not an indicator of your weakness or strength. They are simply an indicator of the programming you’ve received.
“You have experienced all these emotions, but you have never not come through it to find the light. I love you so dearly, because you are ours. However, on top of that you have displayed enormous amounts of determination and courage. Where you stand right now is a complete victory. I see beyond time and space and see you as you really are. You have already overcome all these things, and you have accomplished more good and a greater exaltation than you had hoped for.
“I bless you with power now, as you’ve had before, to act upon these feelings when they arise. The fact that they arise is not an indicator of weakness or lack of healing. When they arise, it is an indication that you are a victim of Satanic abuse, and no strength or power in yourself can change that. When these feelings arise or overwhelm you, it is now time to learn that you still have agency to act upon them, to minimize them, to find tools to make them go away more quickly, to find tools to replace them with other truths and other emotions. This is hard work. It is emotional work, and it will take time to remind yourself that they are not indications of weakness but opportunities to apply strength and agency.
“As you continue to apply strength and agency, as you have done beautifully so far, you will eventually find that these feelings have very little impact on you. They will simply be reminders to you of your experience and what you’ve come up from.
” _________, We know you. We know you so well. You are not a selfish or a self-centered person. Those feelings that you have of lack of love and are self-centered are a product of the programming. They are not a sign of weakness. As you take up the tools you use, day by day, these feelings will become weak. They will become temporary, and before long they will become blips in your mind that you quickly overcome without effort.
“_________, you are doing exactly what you need to do for this to occur. Dear _________, I am not asking you to change directions. I am asking you to continue in what you are doing. We are so pleased with you. We are proud of you. We love you, and We bless you. You are strong.
“I leave this blessing on your head in partnership with your Savior Jesus Christ. We love you, support you, and thank you for all that you have done. We promise to maximize your healing and your efforts beyond your ability to comprehend.”