By Teen Nollie, May 13th 2022

I’ve heard somewhere that the three main questions everyone asks in this life is, Do you see me? Do you hear me? And, do you understand me? 

I know that this is true. 

It’s been a full year and a half since coming back from Heaven–where I was seen by the All-Seer, heard by the All-Hearer, and completely understood by He Who Understands All. And not just that, but I was honored.

I really don’t know how to write this next part, because it’s supercharged with emotion still. (Like, I’m full-blown sniffling right now.) And I don’t know how to uncharge it because I’m still right in the middle of it.  I guess I just need prayers and understanding. 

I really don’t want to write something damning about my three current caregivers. They have more than bent over backwards to help me, to make my life comfortable, to surround me with beauty. But I need to actually write about this.

They just aren’t equipped to see me. To hear me. And to understand. No matter how many times I’ve pointed out to them that I have multiple personalities, no matter how many times I’ve shown them the evidence on my phone, had JJ talk with them, begged them, pleaded with them to hear me! To see me! To understand me! They simply won’t. Or they simply can’t.

My “littles” (the Nollies) have definitely grown up over the past year and a half. But not in a pretty way. I feel that I have become a shell of the bright light I used to be. They say that the most hurtful way of communication is stonewalling, and Nollie has been stonewalled–absolutely. And I don’t know how to heal it. I keep on hoping that whenever I feel this way, that the wiser parts of me will talk with me and try and help me, but they don’t. And then there’s the fear that maybe I’m the wiser part of Nicole, and I’ve fallen this far!

When I came back, JJ’s eyes have been the closest to the understanding and the love I felt from Jesus Christ..

And those with whom I live? They’ve broken my heart.

And, for once, I can’t run away. I’m going to have to grow up and deal with this somehow. I keep on praying, God, help me. And it’s really hard to have faith when you’re experiencing a part of yourself that was hurt so badly that faith isn’t possible moment to moment.

Update: Sept 14th, 2022

I feel like President Eyring, when he said that, basically, the trials of his past were like child’s play compared to what he’s dealt with since then.

Child’s play.

I don’t know if this is comforting or downright distressing. Perhaps it’s a bit of both.

Because I now understand exactly what he was talking about.

Published by Nicole Marie Hilton

Hi, I'm Nicole. I suffer from amnesia and multiple personalities caused by childhood trauma and a gauntlet of spiritual Satanic abuse. Professionals refer to this as Dissociative Identity Disorder and Satanic Ritual Abuse (DID/SRA). The wounds and evil programming from DID/SRA create a continuing cycle of spiritual, emotional, mental, and social destruction for the victim and their loved ones. Most professional therapists misdiagnose or misunderstand it and do more harm than good. Healing requires plunging the very depths of Christ's atonement for the victims and their loved ones. The process exposes Satan's methods and Christ's power, and this knowledge is essential to anyone seeking to ascend above this mortality. This is the story of my wounding and my ongoing healing with my Savior Jesus Christ.

4 thoughts on “Stonewalled

  1. (((Hugs))) I am so sorry you have not been heard or seen. This is so incredibly sad. In my healing this too has been the hardest. Part of my problem was I had to accept the harsh reality that those closest to me weren’t always the ones who were able to Hear me and validate me. I had to find others who would hear me and validate me. My brain didn’t always know who was safe and who was not. In the end for me, I discovered my partner eventually wanted to be a part of my healing, but I didn’t trust him. After years of healing he was more able to understand (Or I finally trusted him more) and we bonded more when I shared my healing details with him. But knowing who to trust is challenging for sure…especially early on. I pray the God of comfort and true understanding will give you the wisdom of what to share and with whom…or who is mature enough to handle the trauma details and support you through this process. You are in my prayers, 💔 Jodi


    1. Thank you so much Jodi…. I’m just like, Heavenly Father, why can’t we all just have a gated community with DID and their significant others living together?! haha 😂 then we could all help and understand one another


  2. Hello Nicole:

    We haven’t met. I did meet your parents at the fund raiser in the Cafe while you were in the hospital. You don’t have to respond but I have been pondering quite a bit lately about your situation. My daughter, Molly, succeeded in her suicide attempt six years ago next week. She had several (7) serious suicide attempts before that. She was 36 when she passed away and her first two attempts were before she was 18 so she had to be admitted to the state mental hospital. That was so hard for me but not for her. Six months there actually gave her a feeling of safety and well being while she worked on her life. She loved to cook and worked in their cafeteria. Her therapist seemed to give her the strength she needed to succeed….and it worked until it didn’t.

    I’m writing this mostly because your words about your parents rang true to me. I wanted to hear her and I never stopped trying to love and protect her but I know I fell short. I think Molly’s experience was very similar if not the same as your abuse. We lived in Bloomington Hills for a year and then moved into a house we built in Bloomington. We believe her experience started when she was 7 but didn’t suspect anything until she was 12 and still did not have a clue. She was still able to get good grades and play the piano while running on a relay team but soon began taking drugs to numb her real experiences and feelings. I took her once a week to the Center For Change eating disorder therapist for a few years. Molly didn’t talk about this to us but the therapist felt that her multiple personalities and recollection of some things that had happened to her were about satanic abuse. We couldn’t understand how that could have happened right under our nose. We had 4 older children, all quite exceptional students and all around good kids. We never let our children have sleep overs andhad a hard time coming to terms with the experience. Of course, we still know very little about the actual abuse, but we believe it and have come to understand a bit of how it happens…still it has been hard to understand. Molly never shared anything with us about her past….but we were fortunate to have a few people help us with it and try to help her overcome it enough to live her life, at least until she didn’t.

    Thank you for your openness and honesty. I’m not sure what your experience has been, but your words and pictures have made me feel that your past life was much the same as Molly’s. Thank you for sharing. I’m happy you are doing well even if this last post has you frustrated. I have felt your spirit and faith and know you will triumph over it all. Be patient with your parents. Molly’s brothers and sisters didn’t “get it” but they loved her and she felt it.

    If you ever feel like you could share more with me, I am willing….still learning but I am anxious to meet Molly in the next life. You are a beautiful woman (inside and out) and I pray you will feel the love and acceptance you deserve.


    Becky Peterson


  3. Becky, it’s so powerful to be seen and heard. I keep on looking through Molly’s book you left me, and I love her, you, and your sweet husband. I would love to chat with you and your hubby maybe once every couple of weeks when you’re up north—I want to find out more about Molly’s and your experience, and really, I just feel like we could be in each other’s lives. Love, Nicole


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