By Nicole Hilton, June 5th, 2018
Today I woke up feeling empty and depressed. It’s a feeling extremely familiar to me, which always sets in after a wonderful spiritual experience. (Such as I had yesterday with President Monson visiting me.) I should have expected it…but I keep on hoping that one day I’m going to be happier than the day before and I’ll keep on being happier and happier.
Well, that day wasn’t today.
I fought hard to do right and be of use—walking the dogs, eating semi-healthy…and I hated this empty feeling. I felt like a black hole. Like someone who is so insatiable for experiences like the kind I had with President Monson that nothing except being in Christ’s presence all of the time would be good enough. Yes, the emptiness was familiar to me…but I longed for the feeling of being loved and cherished I had felt yesterday. Why did it have to go away? Was that just my lot in life?
Unexpectedly, I broke down crying when Shawn sent me a video wherein he assured me how much he unconditionally loves me. I finally tapped into the well of emotion I know is boiling underneath my calm demeanor, and I had the question answered I have been asking God for a long long time. The question is: what is the root of all this sadness in my life? The answer: I don’t feel loved.
“There’s things I want to say, because I think you need to hear them. I love you. I’ve said that before, and you’ve heard that before…but I just want to make sure so you can save this and refer to it in case you forget. You say that you forget a lot and you keep having these experiences to remind you of who you are, and that you’re loved.
“I think that your whole life you’ve struggled with feeling loved. And your mom worked a lot—which is great—but maybe you didn’t get the attention you needed and you didn’t feel that love from her. And you can feel and acknowledge that now…but that doesn’t replace missing out on something when you’re younger.” He went on to mention my brothers and the struggles I had with them, and also how my Dad couldn’t relate or understand.
“So it’s all a struggle to feel loved. It’s like what James B. Cox said about the prisoners…that the words sounded so nice, but they couldn’t feel it. They didn’t feel that they can be loved. And I wonder if that’s what happened to you…and dating since you were younger all these guys…I wonder if that was seeking—even on a subconscious level—love. You just wanted to be loved.
“I remember after Christmas you came back and said, ‘Wow, you really love me unconditionally.’ Um…well, yeah. It was kind of confusing to me. Like you are used to having all these conditions placed upon the love you receive.
“I think about how we got together and how miraculous that was. It was meant to be…and I think it’s because you needed to feel what it’s like to be loved unconditionally. And I think that’s why you have such a special relationship with Jesus Christ, because He’s the one who provides that for you and you need that more than most…because you feel you have been starved for love your whole life.
“You know…you’re taught from society to look a certain way so you can get the attention and be beautiful, and all this and that. I can tell you a thousand times over you look beautiful and amazing and stunning…and I can cite specific examples when you said this was the best outfit or that was the best outfit…but I’m like, ‘No no no no…I saw you in that herringbone skirt that one time you went to the temple—that was the best…I can name that! Or the time at the BYU 147th, and you kind of leaned over, and I looked at you and saw your profile and it was just absolute perfection. Like, I can still see these in my mind and I can tell you these things…but I can also tell you that’s not why I love you.
“I love you for you. There’s been arguments and fights and tough times, but I still love you. Maybe in that moment it’s been difficult, but that’s because I’m not perfect, and you’re not perfect, and that’s what we’re here to learn—to grow and be better. But it doesn’t mean I don’t love you or didn’t love you. I absolutely do love you. And what I think is really amazing is that I don’t have to. I never had to love you. Nobody ever told me—‘Hey, you need to love her’. An angel didn’t tell me I had to love you—that didn’t happen. It was all my choice. I chose to love you, and I still choose to love you. And I think I chose to love you ages ago, before we can even remember. I think we met and got together, fell in love, whatever you want to call it—because you needed to have the experience of someone loving you unconditionally by choice. Not because they’re supposed to because you’re family, or they are trying to win you over, or for whatever conditional reason.
“This testifies to you that you are loved. You are loved for who you are, no matter what. And it’s from a very real, tangible, realistic, within-reach person. That’s great you had that dream—that’s fantastic. I love that you were able to have that experience. I just have been thinking this for a couple of days though, that I had to tell you that I love you. And I had to tell you so that you can know, so that you can feel that love—even if you’re struggling and having a hard time, and you don’t know what to do, you can feel loved. We’ve been through some tough times, and I’m still saying it. You know…I’ve been hurt, I’ve hurt you…and I’m still saying it. Still feeling it and believing it. I just want to make sure that you know that you are loved. And I can say that because even if the ends of the earth deny you that, I don’t.
“I. Love. You. I hope that you can feel that. If you ever forget, mark this and find it, and listen to it. And know that it’s true…then feel it. So you don’t feel the need to search for it or long for it…because it’s right here.” He then patted his chest.
I was curled up into a ball on my bed, just sobbing and sobbing. He had completely hit the target and answered the question to all my depression for my entire life. I am sad because I feel, acutely, the absence of unconditional love in my life.
Throughout the rest of the day I reflected on how close I must have been to Heavenly Father, Heavenly Mother, and Jesus Christ—and all those perfected beings who unconditionally loved me so often and so well. I must have been extremely close to all of them, because I feel their absence so acutely in this life. I feel it more than most everyone I know.
I reflected back on how Joseph Smith was sent to me and loved me unconditionally, how Enoch had that look of absolute perfect love in his eyes, how Jesus Christ loved me in my padded cell and in my dream and all the other times I can’t remember, and now how President Monson just held me and unconditionally loved me. I reflected that I felt completely natural, at ease, and at home in the presence of these great men. How my experiences with them were all my greater reality…that right now, it is as if I’m in the dream.
I went to my therapy appointment with Leann and, now that the floodgates were open, I cried through the whole hour. She said so many kind things to me, and talked about how pure I must be to have all these experiences. She said that out of all those she has counseled, no one has had the mental illnesses and difficulties I have had. That really surprised me. She also said that no one has had the highs I’ve experienced, either—and that those two things must go together. She quoted a scripture from the New Testament which said that all my trials shall be worth more than gold.
I then went to the temple. I was taught something very unexpected. As I was gazing down at my right hand, reflecting on what I know about the fingers and thumb of my hand and what they mean, I was told by the spirit to examine my thumb. The thumb is opposable…it represents the opposition or Satan’s forces. I looked at the scar on my thumb and I remembered that when I broke my back the first time, it was just my thumb that stopped working.
They had surgically opened up my thumb and discovered that the tendon was attached and everything was in working order—yet I still couldn’t bend it for four weeks.
And for those four weeks, Satan had absolutely no hold on me. I was free from opposition.
I almost gasped in my seat. Here was another literal symbol in my life that God was showing me—almost ten years after it happened. Satan had been arrested when I broke my back…and my thumb had stopped working to represent that.
I kept on staring at my hand. The Spirit nudged me to ask about my broken finger. I broke the right hand ring finger during gymnastics the night before a big piano recital when I was younger. I then saw that the finger I broke was the one that represented the Telestial world. The spirit told me that yes, in this Telestial world, I am going to be broken and bent. But…I must hold on. For the terrestrial world is coming.
And I can’t wait for the day we can all read each other and give and receive unconditional love for each other. I can’t wait to be surrounded by loved ones and light constantly.
I hope it can happen here on this plane…I’ve tasted it for a few days or weeks at a time. I want to taste of it again.
Healing with Christ 