By Nicole Marie Hilton, December 27, 2019
God’s plans for us are not always standard. He has a way of turning our turmoil into miracles for our own growth and for the good of others.
As long as I can remember, I’ve loved a good story. In first grade, I composed a book of stories and poems that I have to this day—reading it now, I can tell I was meant to be a writer.
In second grade, I wrote a Halloween story that I read to my class—the teacher even insisted on having the lights turned down. My peers all gathered around and emitted yelps of surprise and terror at all the right moments during the story. This all gave me great satisfaction.
In third grade, I composed the first chapter in what was going to be a book about a mermaid that the teacher had me read aloud to the class, and everyone was unusually attentive while I read. I never finished that book, but my classmates asked me about it often—“Nicole, whatever happened to that mermaid?”
In fourth grade, I won the school’s story telling contest, and the district had me go around and perform the children’s book Froggy Gets Dressed for different schools around the district.
With my love of storytelling and my natural affinity for writing, my feet were set on the path toward becoming a writer. And I imagine I would have been a good one had nothing out of the ordinary taken place in my life. I probably would have gone off to college, majored in journalism, gotten married at a reasonable age, and then started popping out kids while working for the local newspaper. It would have been a good, relatively peaceful life.
I believe that we all chose our individual lives, for whatever reason. That may be a “far-out” belief for some, but there you have it–that’s the paradigm I’m working from. So, apparently, the going-off-to-college-getting-married-popping-out-babies life isn’t what I signed up for–at least not immediately. It’s not what I wanted the single focus of my life to be about (no offense to those who are living that blessed kind of life). I do want to get married and have children, but I believe I also wanted to reach the kind of people who are the most hurt, lost, and forgotten. I wanted to have an impact on them. I desired to learn how to heal and then to help point those who need healing the most toward Jesus Christ, the true Healer. My experiences and talents would be focused on supporting the most important work in the universe: healing with Christ. But God works in mysterious ways, and those ways may not always seem pleasant to us when He allows things to happen for the greater good.
It seems He allowed the protections afforded most children to be lifted from me for this purpose, and the dark ones were allowed to strike. I was tortured, I was raped, I was split, and I was programmed. In my limited mind, all was lost. But, in God’s mind, all was going according to plan—everything would be okay—in spite of the darkest moments. In His Infinite power and creativity, Heavenly Father is able to turn attacks from evil forces into miracles. Here is just one example of God adding His infinite touch to my life after allowing dark forces to attack me.
Because of rape and intense spiritual abuse from the dark side, I dissociated. Because of this dissociation, I started having memory problems as early as second grade. Because of the memory problems, as early as elementary school, I started developing Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in the way of writing down everything and keeping journals neurotically. Because I kept all these journals from an early age, my natural writing ability improved, and I recorded the process of what a child or adult goes through during various forms of Satanic abuse and the process of healing from it.
Do you see? Because of God’s infinite wisdom and mercy, He allowed those terrible things to happen to an innocent child. To me. My writing ability and the story inside of me grew as if they were in an incubator, until the fruits finally started blossoming this year at age 30. I only had to be patient, as God is patient. I don’t believe God is the author of our trauma, but if we let Him, He can beautifully arrange our healing for our greatest good and for His divine purposes.
God knows the end from the beginning. And do you know what the exciting part is? Right now I’m just getting started on the fun part—I’m still in the middle of this journey! But I’ve learned to trust God and His promises so well that, though it may seem like I am preemptively writing this and counting my chickens before they hatch (not a single person has, as of yet, read this blog), Father in Heaven has told me that my speaking and my writing will go out into the world, that it will make a difference, and that I went through it all for a reason.
And now I know something: there is not one person who has not been affected by Satanic Abuse—be it ritual or simply spiritual. This abuse affects all of us—it affects our everyday lives, our very thought processes. We may think that we are free, yet to some extent we are all in the grips of programming which Satan has so carefully, so painstakingly put into us. Some of us are simply infected with destructive thought cycles or negative habits, but for others his programming has created or exacerbated mental illnesses and various forms of psychosis.
Drug companies, like any business, must have products to sell and life-long customers to buy them. They are coming up with newer and more harmful, even permanently damaging drugs that are meant to “cure” these psychoses…but I know better. I have seen it in my own life. I have been on almost every anti-psychotic and anti-depressant out there. I have been treated by at least 20 different therapists. I have been through, to date, 12 different mental hospital stays, 2 different jail stays, and been homeless 3 different times. I have attempted suicide three times and have actually died and been brought back. I know what it is like to be schizophrenic, bipolar, psychotic, in the throes of PTSD, depressed, in suicidal ideation, dissociated, a multiple, addicted, in panic, a cutter, Borderline, OCD, ADHD—you name it, I’ve been it. I have learned that our own minds alone are not the root source of these illnesses, and no man-made drug can cure the root cause. Identifying the true source of our trauma is the beginning of healing.
Hi. My name is Nicole Hilton. I have a story to tell, and a message to give you. There is hope. I am living proof of the grace of God. If you come with me on this journey, I will share with you the depths to which Satan has brought me, and how Christ is bringing me back out of those depths to experience a love so sweet and a light so profound that no heartbreak or sorrow can withstand it.