Two Sides to a Coin

By Nicole Hilton, August 4, 2019

Victims of ritual abuse are rarely understood or believed. They are often targeted for abuse by the dark side, because of their spiritual gifts. On the other hand, Heaven will often balance their trauma with extraordinary visions and manifestations from the Light. Anything a survivor might share about either type of experience is rarely believed by loved ones, therapists, or even their clergy. This leads to further isolation. However, by embracing their gifts and experiences with the Light, victims can accumulate strength over the dark side of their coin.

“What I’m seeing now in the last six to seven years is, we’re seeing people that have been taken in the spirit, taken from their homes. They didn’t come from Satanic cults.

They are taken from Christian families, out of their bodies and taken and abused. I know this may sound crazy to some people, but I’m seeing it over, and over, and over again. A lot of people in their 20’s, some in their 30’s. It’s a new thing, I believe.”

Dr. Holly Hector, 30 years experience helping DID/SRA Victims

            On July 30th I woke from a dream that was extremely disturbing. In the dream, I was a child, and with other children, I was being programmed by Satanists in a place that looked like a chapel. We would have to sit and be strapped into a chair-contraption, and small metal hooks were used around our eyelids to force our eyes open. We had to stare at a laser, which created patterns on a plate-like surface before us. During these patterns, the Satanists would be programming us with words they were saying, and images they were using. I don’t remember what they said.

            All I remember is being so grateful I wasn’t the one in the chair, when someone else was taking their turn. And when I was in the chair? I remember just gritting my teeth until it was over. I also remember being so scared of certain tortures they would inflict upon us, that I would choose to inflict these same tortures on other victims so I could avoid being tortured myself. I won’t go into what these things were…but they were horrific. Whether being tortured, or the torturer, one fact stood out against all others: there was no escape. There was no place of safety. There was nowhere to run. The adults that would comfort us one moment were the very ones perpetrating the abuse a moment later.

            The interesting thing that I saw towards the end of the dream was this: the chapel we were in had pews, an altar, and certain satanic items around the room. The Satanists worshipped their god here, and they actually believed in him. An exceedingly dark spirit filled the room. But I heard voices—like the voices of a choir of angels. Standing towards the back right of the room, where there was wood paneling, one of the Satanists opened a secret door. There, on the other side of the wall, was a Christian chapel—complete with an altar, a cross, and pews filled with people singing hymns. It was a mirror opposite from the satanic chapel, something like the dark side of the moon.

            When I awoke, I was beyond disturbed by the dream, especially by what I had seen and done. I wondered, did that really happen to me? Was this what happened when I was 5 years old in Salt Lake? These questions haunted me as I tried to bravely tackle my checklist for the day. But I could not shake the spiritual darkness that I felt.

“It isn’t only a dream.”

“As ritual abuse survivors who haven’t yet had or processed the memories move further into therapy and/or Twelve Step recovery, their dreams often become more intense and more macabre.”

Breaking the Circle of Satanic Ritual Abuse (p 49), Daniel Ryder

            Later that day, I had a session with a Christ-centered energy healer. When I told her about the dream and my question of whether it had happened to me or not, she said what I knew, deep down, all along was my answer: does it really matter if that happened to you physically or spiritually? You are affected all the same.

            For the first time after hearing that answer (I had heard it before), I backed away from my endless need to know exactly what had happened to me. I could see how the pain and the excessive, endless thoughts about the SRA were now contributing to my past trauma. The specifics of my dreams and even of my actual trauma were not always important.

            She asked me about my gifts—the gifts I was born with to wield in the cause of truth. I hesitated. What gifts, really, do I have? I couldn’t see clearly what they were.

            “How about the gift of sight?” she said. I sat back in the squashy chair I was in, doubt filling my mind.

            “Nicole, you have vivid revelations…dreams…visions—whatever you want to call them. They teach you specifically, in startling clarity. And you have them in color, am I right?”

            I nodded.

            “That is even more of a gift. Do you understand what you have been given?”

            I admitted that I hadn’t thought about it recently.

            “This Gift of Sight which you have is a gift that only a Light Warrior can wield. What is a Light Warrior? It is a person who can go into complete darkness and maintain her light. It is someone who is fearless—who the darkness cannot overcome. Ever. And this gift you have? It is in progress. What you have seen and experienced…it’s only the beginning of your gift. You are developing it.”

            I was stunned. I am a Warrior of Light echoed through my brain. It was one of the mantras I had been listening to every night.

            She continued, “Additionally, because your experiences have been so extreme, you have access to angels and knowledge that others do not have. Do you see these gifts that you’ve been given?”

Maggie Irwin, SRA Counselor:

“For every minute they spent with the demons, I believe they also spent a minute with the angels.”

“Ms. Irwin said she has never encountered a group of people more capable of deep spiritual connectedness, because of the strong sense of spirituality satanic abuse survivors had to draw upon consistently in order to survive.”

Breaking the Circle of Satanic Ritual Abuse (p 36)

            I could see them now. There was a hope being kindled in my chest, burning all my fear of my SRA dream away. The satanic things I had experienced the night before became small compared to the knowledge of this light and these gifts I was given.

            She went on, “So, let’s say you have a coin. On the one side, you have all of the satanic abuse, all of the darkness and neglect and trauma Satan could heap upon you. On the other side of the coin you have Christ. How you have sought Him your whole life—desperately sometimes—and you have found Him! So, on one side, is the light you have found. On the other, is the evil you’ve been exposed to. What would happen if I took away the evil side of the coin?”

            I answered immediately, “The coin would disappear. You cannot have one side without the other.”

            “Yes, Nicole, there will always be two sides. And guess what? Many ‘normal’ people haven’t found Christ like you have. They haven’t needed to! They haven’t been as desperate as you.”

            I pondered that. Then I said, “I…I wouldn’t give up my experiences with the Light for all the safety in the world. …So I need to take the dark with the light.”

            “But now…” She continued. “Now after you have all these experiences, you can work on the next part—which is where it gets really exciting.”

            What could that be? I wondered.

            “You get to become a warrior.”

            Later that day, my mom and I went to Deseret Book. We bought a coin, which depicted a man and a woman wearing the Armor of God—the helmet, breastplate, shield, sword—everything. I now keep it with me at all times. If thoughts of regret and sadness about what I’ve been through enter my mind, I get out my coin. One side is in shadow—and the other? As light hits the warrior woman’s form, I smile, and I know.

Published by Nicole Marie Hilton

Hi, I'm Nicole. I suffer from amnesia and multiple personalities caused by childhood trauma and a gauntlet of spiritual Satanic abuse. Professionals refer to this as Dissociative Identity Disorder and Satanic Ritual Abuse (DID/SRA). The wounds and evil programming from DID/SRA create a continuing cycle of spiritual, emotional, mental, and social destruction for the victim and their loved ones. Most professional therapists misdiagnose or misunderstand it and do more harm than good. Healing requires plunging the very depths of Christ's atonement for the victims and their loved ones. The process exposes Satan's methods and Christ's power, and this knowledge is essential to anyone seeking to ascend above this mortality. This is the story of my wounding and my ongoing healing with my Savior Jesus Christ.

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