August 11th, 2022
I have experienced a transformation over the past few weeks, and life will never, ever, be the same.
On July 14th, 2022, the gist of what I wrote in my Five Year Journal (which I highly recommend everyone get) was, “met with Dr. S (my psychologist)—and that didn’t really help me much although he listened and mirrored and did all the right things because he just doesn’t know how DID and JJ have actually affected my life—and JJ (the Official Nicole Whisperer) wasn’t there to interpret my messy chaotic all-over-the-place scattered scarred scalding scary and…scatological (?) thoughts.
“Amberlee (one of my new caregivers, whom I love and adore like all the rest) took care of me today and I am really emotionally needy—and I know what I’m doing—I’m trying to get all of my need for understanding/healing from her, or Dr. S (my psych doctor)…anyone but God. But I can’t seem to stop! Worked on my book a bit more today, but it was like pulling teeth! I can’t seem to “figure out my ego,” which God told me I would be able to do in the second blessing (or ‘prayer of faith’) I received today over the phone from JJ.
“So, with my (1) left hip bone having bursitis, causing a pressure sore, my (2) right femur being broken and fused, as well as left femur radiating a ton of pain, my (3) left ankle wound reopened, my (4) back being out on a certain vertebrae, (which mom admitted she could feel, so she scheduled me a massage), and my (5) Rhomboids hurting like hell from all the poisons trapped in my body…well, I was ready to throw in the towel. It’s a bit much when you’re (6) already in a wheelchair and you (7) can’t even take a crap when you want to (although I didn’t use the word “crap”), AND when you’re (8) DID, but everyone around you is scared of the subject and doesn’t want to hear about it, AND you have a (9) Traumatic Brain Injury. I listened to JJ on the phone…he basically let me cry, talked me down, and sacrificed his money and got me a Zion Mat appointment as well as some Glutathione—which we researched and which can help the body detox. Then, he gave me a THIRD beautiful blessing/prayer of faith over the phone for today. It’s been a 2/10 day…(although, compared to what I’ve been through before everyday in elementary school it’s more like a 6/10 day, which just floors me—how strong little kids can be).”
Herein is my rating system for days:
On July 15th, I wrote, “Today I went and did my appointment at Trinity Wellness (the Zion Mat appointment), and I loved it.… Tonight my friend from my singles ward named Crystal came over and we watched the movie Redeeming Love, which is SERIOUSLY my story with JJ to a T (although ours was way more intense to the umpteenth power!) I also spoke with Kassie my BFF (besides Ash Cat), and I’m trying not to be so negative all the time. I’m trying to learn how to pray…like I used to before The Jump—where I’d happily sacrifice an hour or more every morning. I do want that well of living water. I do, I do. It’s been a 4.5 sort of day.”
On July 17th, I (basically) wrote, “Mom and I went to my singles ward to talk to the bishop. However, he said that I have upset a lot of people by the comments I’ve made that aren’t really, well, ‘kosher,’ and I said that I’d be returning to my home ward. We left all sad. But, then Heavenly Father sent me a couple I’ll call The Babbling Brooke, who have adopted a bunch of kids and who truly mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort. It was the perfect end to an extremely ——- day. Thanks Jesus, YOU GET ME. It’s been a 3/10 to 8/10 day, or what I like to call a bipolar day.”
On July 18th, for the first time since what seems like forever, I asked myself the following question: why I’m even LDS anymore? Why can’t President Holland hear about my story and just come over and heal me? Why can’t my Dad or JJ just heal me?? And why is it so hard to remain Spiritually Centered? (No matter how much I think of Jesus…) Then I wrote, “STILL IN AN EFFING WHEELCHAIR 🤬 3/10”.
On July 19th, I basically wrote, “it’s Tuesday…went swimming with mom’s Relief Society (was faking it the whole time—and quite aware of that fact—it was making me feel like I was going to jump out of my skin or explode despite the kindness of everyone around me), watched JJ’s video about the Deep State, and JUST GOT DONE SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS TO MY BLUE WALLS, ‘I’M NOT OKAAAAAAAAAAY!’ over and over and over—freaking both my parents out—and I rudely yelled, ‘ignore it! Just go out and let me scream!’ I cannot tell how awful it has been not being able to go out to my car or to the desert at will and be able to release whole dump-truck-loads of emotion like I used to almost daily…and I’ve been doing Sananga—sometimes twice daily—but it barely helps. Received another amazing blessing/prayer of faith over the phone from JJ, where God told me that progress isn’t pretty. (Truer words were never said! But, am I even making any progress?!) Then, I heard—in the stillest and smallest of voices, ‘the world doesn’t necessarily need the truth, because there’s a lot of truth out there…what the world needs are YOUR thoughts at this time.’ Well…here they are: I’m EXTREMELY frustrated that I have to put on a freaking ACT all the time! And I feel like I’m in a fog…just a little child wandering around in a fog, crying for something she’s forgotten. Like Dory. 2/10”
On July 22nd, I was laying in my bed, just suffering, thinking about all of the things I wish I could do, when I realized I needed to detox my body some more from all the many medications which seem to be stuck in my tissues—causing a peculiar kind of pain one needs to experience to understand.
And so, I took my Biomat and laid it on the floor, then (in a very rare burst of “I Can Do This Myself!” Syndrome) I fell—very clumsily—out of my bed onto it, got myself situated, and tried to relax as the Biomat heated up with infrared rays and got to work.
I had a pretty good sweat going when my mom came in and got me up. Eventually, she saw what I couldn’t feel: two huge burns on my rump.
My mom freaked out, I was freaking out…everyone was freaking out! (Except JJ on the phone, who has mastered the art of remaining calm.) I had gotten some third degree burns, which I’ll illustrate…for your viewing (dis)pleasure.
I asked myself, this has never ever happened before laying on my biomat for the same amount of time…so why do crazy things Always seem to happen to me?? Then I texted my amazing massage therapist, Teri, for guidance and counsel. (I promise I’m going somewhere with these seemingly random details and winding story.)
I thanked her and felt this anxiety which had been building up behind my heart for half a year suddenly burst forth like Mt. Vesuvius. I had been lying to myself…I knew exactly what those burns were about in my heart—even though I hadn’t been able to admit it for a very long time.
The burns were about breaking up with JJ.
Jj is the man who’d given me an estimated 700+ blessings since we met under the pagoda in a park in St. George for the first one. The man who’d seen me act so very, very strangely once I’d moved out to Virginia to be closer to him—who’d seen the dawning comprehension in my face as I stood there in “our” kitchen when I realized I had multiple personalities. Who’d seen my eyes, mannerisms, voice and vocabulary change over and over. Who’d witnessed when the different parts of me had become self-aware and named themselves Marie, Nollie, Question, Why, and Wonder…among many others. Who’d literally wrestled me to the floor many times and pinned my arms to my sides to keep me from hurting myself. Who’d traveled across the country and back just so I could wave at him from my window in the psychiatric ward after yet another suicide attempt and see him let a red balloon drift into the blue blue sky…Who’d witnessed the darkest, most programmed part of me Why cut my own chest with a wire over and over on FaceTime until blood dripped onto the floor in defiance against him, against God, and against all light. Who’d been there at 2 am…3 am…4 am…and 5 am more days than either of us can remember on the phone to offer comfort, to point out when my thoughts weren’t aligned with truth, and to channel God’s words straight into my soul. Who’d been the one to see through location services that I was on top of Webb Hill, and who’d saved my life by calling my parents.
He is, without a shadow of a doubt and despite his failings, one of the most Christlike men on earth and the only one (that I knew of) equipped with the heart to love me despite of—because of—and through my DID. I wish I could explain what we’ve been through—but I’ve tried to finish this sentence for two days, and all I can do is to quote the Book of Mormon verse in Moroni chapter 9 that says,
“…and the suffering of our women and our children upon all the face of this land doth exceed everything; yea, tongue cannot tell, neither can it be written.”
And truly tongue cannot adequately tell, neither can pen write or voices be able to sing or hands sculpt or TV screens show what we have been through together, though people try for the next 100 years.
I began an angry dialogue with God, through huge sobs which felt might re-break my neck for the third time. I went through a whole box of tissues in one night. I can’t even tell you how many times he’s been there for me—and with very little return on my part for all of his trouble—and “now you’re asking me to give up the redemption we were going to bring to the entire world? In return for what?! Someone better? Well, Father, you can take that someone better and leave him in the brighter sunshine. I want to stay, right here in the twilit morning hours in our off-the-grid cabin of my mind with this writer of our countries laws!”
He’s the man who had learned how to heal me—and, therefore—others from DID, right there in the trenches with Christ for years…ever since I stood in his kitchen and had the realization that made his confusion at my odd behavior make sense. He was my utmost confidant. We knew each other better than most married couples know each other—and that’s with 2,284 miles between us…or at least it seemed that way.
The Spirit then told me to look up this talk on YouTube.
In this amazing talk, Matthew Holland says, “Sometimes in response to prayers, the Lord may guide us down what seems to be the wrong road—or at least a road we don’t understand—so, in due time, He can get us firmly and without question on the right road. Of course, He would never lead us down a path of sin, but He might lead us down a road of valuable experience. Sometimes in our journey through life we can get from point A to point C only by taking a short side road to point B.”
Then my head and my heart finally gave in.
“I work not among the children of men, save it be according to their faith.” 2 Nephi.
September 16th, 2022
Since writing this post, and since breaking up with beloved JJ, the Spirit has rushed in upon my life in such amounts that,
9 But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.
10 But God hath revealed them unto us by his Spirit: for the Spirit searcheth all things, yea, the deep things of God.
11 For what man knoweth the things of a man, save the spirit of man which is in him? even so the things of God knoweth no man, but the Spirit of God.
12 Now we have received, not the spirit of the world, but the spirit which is of God; that we might know the things that are freely given to us of God.
13 Which things also we speak, not in the words which man’s wisdom teacheth, but which the Holy Ghost teacheth; comparing spiritual things with spiritual.
14 But the natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God: for they are foolishness unto him: neither can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned.
15 But he that is spiritual judgeth all things, yet he himself is judged of no man.
16 For who hath known the mind of the Lord, that he may instruct him? But we have the mind of Christ.
1 Corinthians 2