The Darkest of the Dark

By Nicole Hilton, August 1, 2019

I experienced that which awaits those facing utter damnation. It was bleaker than the worst trauma I’ve experienced in spirit or in body.

            I remember one night in particular when my mental, emotional, and spiritual illnesses combined in such a way where the resulting product was the darkest of the darknesses I have ever experienced. Even during my spiritual SRA torture, I had an inkling of hope in the back of my mind that God would surely stop the pain—that there would be an eventual end to it—because I knew that I must matter. Even in the worst Atonement attack I’ve experienced, there was hope and a sacred reason for all the suffering. Even in my worst panic attack, I have known deep down that the sun would rise the next day, and that I would live to see it.

            But as I lay in someone else’s bed one night when traveling with my family, I stared up at the slanted white ceiling. Everything looked normal in the room. Then, I felt that I was spiritually plunged down to the deepest and darkest part of the universe, where no light could ever reach me. This was so dark—so evil—that there was not even a semblance of hope left. The suffering was eternal…infinite…absolute. I felt a complete and all-consuming desire for annihilation. There was a certainty of destruction, of damnation.

            Only now—all these years later, remembering this one night and aching for my past self—do I understand that this must be the reality that the sons of perdition (the truly damned) face. Given a choice, I am sure that I would rather go through elemental annihilation and be unmade rather than face such an existence.

            Knowing how they feel, being unmade would be a blessing—a deliverance from the hopeless state they have chosen.

            I, for one, hope never to feel that all-consuming and never-ending darkness again.

Published by Nicole Marie Hilton

Hi, I'm Nicole. I suffer from amnesia and multiple personalities caused by childhood trauma and a gauntlet of spiritual Satanic abuse. Professionals refer to this as Dissociative Identity Disorder and Satanic Ritual Abuse (DID/SRA). The wounds and evil programming from DID/SRA create a continuing cycle of spiritual, emotional, mental, and social destruction for the victim and their loved ones. Most professional therapists misdiagnose or misunderstand it and do more harm than good. Healing requires plunging the very depths of Christ's atonement for the victims and their loved ones. The process exposes Satan's methods and Christ's power, and this knowledge is essential to anyone seeking to ascend above this mortality. This is the story of my wounding and my ongoing healing with my Savior Jesus Christ.

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