By Nicole Hilton, August 6, 2020
The Mind is a battleground between Light and dark. The dark side uses abuse and trauma to overtake the mind and turn it into a killing field, destroying all hope, empowerment, self-worth, and light. Agency is neutralized as the victim’s mind is flooded with a torrent of dark choices. For survivors, hope must be rediscovered, empowerment must be relearned, self-worth replanted, and the Light reached for against a current of despair.
Yesterday I finished (again…) the book Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. In this book, Harry learns to conjure up a “Patronus”—a pure force which drives away “dementors”—creatures of darkness which suck all the happiness out of life.
It’s a good thing I was reminded of Patronuses, because I was attacked by Satan while getting ready for bed last night.
His insidious thoughts assailed my mind—you are a shadow of your former self. When you asked your mom to remind you of positive things about yourself tonight, she had to scrounge for ideas. You are useless. You aren’t of any value or worth. The heavens have forgotten about you…
The attacks were so intense, I felt the weaker parts of my personalities (which are all fronting, by the way—a side-effect of the integration process) start to give in and believe these lies.
I started crying, but then some part of me decided to grasp onto a truth from the light. I said out loud, “I am still the girl Christ showed the entire universe to. THAT is who I am. Get thee behind me, Satan, for I am a Daughter of God!”
As I said this, the darkness around me lessened. I thought back to my experience with Christ and what it had felt like to see the universe. The memory was shiny and bright—a truth just waiting for me to utilize. I grasped the implications of the memory—I thought about how this experience had to mean that I am a key part of God’s plans. I refuted every one of Satan’s lies with this truth, until the darkness was completely gone, and I could breathe easy again.
It may be obvious to some of you reading this, but wielding truths in the face of darkness is an absolutely new idea to some parts of me. Trauma survivors are programmed to feel powerless.
I think it’s important to gather the truths which can fuel our proverbial Patronuses, which drive away the darkness. We all have these truths—perhaps it is the knowledge that another person loves us, or it’s an experience we have had, or it’s something we have achieved. We can rely on these truths to be a shield to us just like a Patronus.