My second husband called me “Tree.” I don’t remember why. But, nevertheless Monkey and Tree went together well. He’d take pictures with him standing next to trees, and send them to me for a joke.

On September 11th, 2025, while I was doing my makeup, it occurred to me why this symbol was so important to me. It’s because DID is a tree! The trunk is the original you—even your spirit—when you were a baby…. But then as you grew you began to forget Heaven—there’s one split—you realized that not everyone was here to help you—that’s another split. Then those splits go into more splits the more that trauma happens.

Is the furthest twig a tree? No…it’s part of the tree. Please, if you know someone who has DID, know that they are probably awkward because they are TRYING their damndest to act like the trunk, when they’re just a twig.

Look up on YouTube these dates. I don’t know if it’s the rapture or the end of the world starts. But I feel I’ve got to warn everyone to get ready!

And, remember this always…

There is the best I’ve found…

Okay, so have you ever gone crazy out of your mind because you have so many chemicals in your body from all the pills you’re taking which leave a horrible residue behind in your muscles that’s about to drive you insane from the pain? Because I have.

Have you ever wanted so badly to participate in swimming but all the chemicals that are in the pool freak you out, so you don’t swim? Because my friend has.

Introducing….(bom bom boooooooommmmm…) Advanced TRS!

Here’s the crazy backstory…it was about seven years ago that my rhomboids started to hurt. The more pharmaceuticals I threw at the pain, the more pain I was in. It started out as a dull ache, but then progressed to being a sharp sensation that felt like my rhomboids were being roasted on hot coals. Every search on the web yielded no results.

Then the Spirit posed the question, “Why don’t you fast?”

So, even with my full-blown food addiction back then, I fasted. For four days, water-only. Around day three, the pain lessened. By day four, it was gone.

I ate my first bite of food on day five, and the pain came rushing back in with a vengeance! Okay, I thought, it’s something I’m eating. But food can’t cause this kind of pain, right?

There’s something about accurately diagnosing a problem, or getting closer to diagnosing a problem, that helps you feel more confident. It may not get rid of the problem, but it helps the situation, nonetheless.

Okay…let’s google this. I can’t fast for the rest of my life.

So, I googled how to be rid of pain that no one can diagnose, and I found out about an Amazonian tree frog ceremony called Kambo.

So…I did what any self-respecting person who doesn’t want to die would. I flew six and a half hours out of my way to participate in a Kambo ceremony.

That’s how desperate I was.

I literally thought, “if this doesn’t work…there’s always suicide.”

I couldn’t think straight. It was a level 9.5 pain.

So, I participated in this awful ceremony where they burn tree frog poison into your skin. I didn’t even feel it, my rhomboids hurt so badly.

Very, VERY soon, I felt warmth traveling from the burns in my arm up to my shoulders and then down to my liver, then into my stomach. I was projectile vomiting the hardest I ever have in my entire life, for two hours…an hour and a half past the other fifteen people in the circle were.

I would literally vomit, get a gasp in, chug water, and it wouldn’t even hit my stomach before I’d vomit into my bucket some more.

I had to switch out buckets. It was pharmaceutical sludge. Literally, it tasted like chewed up aspirin.

Everyone in the circle was very VERY concerned. I was left there, moaning for an hour after the last person had moaned their last moan.

My rhomboids felt GREAT, though.

Speed up to four years, later, after I became paralyzed, after I’d been taking pharmaceuticals again, after my shoulders started hurting again, and after I’d realized I couldn’t travel to do this, and AFTER I’d ordered Kambo and (dangerously…) done it on myself several times.

In walks (or was delivered to my door), Advanced TRS.

I have not been able to survive a day without this spray for the past 3 years. I love it sooo much that I was all like, why not just become a sales person for it?

My aforementioned friend (who’s almost 90, and has swum everyday of most of his life) started hacking and coughing. I gave him a bottle—and they aren’t cheap, either.

He now orders a three pack once a month.

https://coseva.com/?ref=nicolemhilton

So thank you, TRS. And my skin (no more scars), rhomboids (no more pain), teeth (from no barfing anymore) and life thanks you, too.

Last night, some people—again, for the third time—appeared in my room.

They said, “It’s time to go!! JUMP out of bed and WALK!”

My faith and courage have suffered much over the past four years.

I cried, “I’m afraid!”

They grabbed my arms, I slid to the edge of my bed, and tried to stand.

Wow!!! I could almost stand!

But then, my faith faltered.

What if I broke my leg backward like I did a year (?) ago??

And just like Peter, I sank.

I sank back into my smallness, my brokenness, my fear.

I sat back down on the edge of my bed.

They left.

“Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good” (Alma 37:37)

“Verily, verily, I say unto you, ye must watch and ^pray always, lest ye be tempted by the devil, and ye be led away captive by him. And as I have prayed among you even so shall ye pray in my ^church, among my people who do repent and are baptized in my name. Behold I am the ^light; I have set an ^example for you.” (3 Nephi 18:15-16)

I was online doing research on prayer, and came across this video (at the bottom of this post). If you don’t have time to watch it, tis okay! Here’s a summary: This guy says that he ran into a satanist who was going around to all of the claw games in his city and cursing all of the toys inside.

Basically, if something is really cheap, it’s for a reason. It comes with satanic strings attached. This is the reason blessing everything is a good idea.

I’m thinking that this is one of the reasons why Temu and SHEIN exist—it’s not to make these companies money. It’s to bring curses into your life and into your home.

I’m positive that angels are like us. They have their own things that they are good at and care about. Knowing this, after I watched the video at the end of this post, I raised my arm to the square and said, “Heavenly Father, I ask all of the defensive warrior angels to move in my life and remove all of the satanic curses from everything I own, ingest, or am around. I ask for the clothing angels, the foodie angels, the angels over water, the shopping angels, the construction angels…” I could go on and on.

So, a short but important post for today, and for always!

https://youtu.be/8ZVwmgzjSyk?si=Bn8rWTN_FoO-dfW8

Here’s a movie I’d show to my kids if I had any.

I think every human being needs to watch it.

I was trying to raise money for a robotic Rewalk system…and then this happened.

3/1/2025

I’ve been bedridden for one month because of bedsores (wheelchair deep tissue damage to my sweet tushy from sitting for four years) and I feel like I’m about to burst in frustration! The only solution is to walk again, as this has become a chronic problem and sitting on my butt causes me excruciating pain, thus the rewalk robotic system. I’ve been paralyzed for four years because of a suicide attempt. I’m the writer of the book Prelude in N Minor…which has sold a grand total of two times on Amazon. Yeah, it’s only my life’s work…no biggie. I also need funding for a naturopathic doctor in my town who has personally taken it as his goal to make it so I can sit, again. Please follow me at healingwithchrist.com for my latest news. *picture of butt not included 

 3/4/2025

Guess what? I had had it with my body just now. I have broken my leg again—just laying there basically wrapped in pillows—It’s been 5 years since my suicide attempt and I had HAD it. My body has been through so much. Broken back twice, broken neck, third degree burns, two comas, 15 different mental hospitals, rape, broken bones, being in a wheelchair, lacerated liver, kidneys shutting down/etc ETCETERA. I simply prayed, “God, please give me a new body.” AND THEN MY TOE MOVED. Like, literally it MOVED. I cannot express how huge this is. I cannot even comprehend it. That this miracle happened right at the moment I gave up and asked for what I REALLY wanted. I haven’t been dreaming too big. I’ve been asking too small. 

 Monday, March 3rd

Life is strange sometimes. It’s been four years of no feeling below my stomach, and yet…when I “put it out there” with my desire to actually walk again…….. I’m flabbergasted. It’s more amazing than I ever ever thought was possible. It’s inconceivable to my mind…but last night I went into a deep trance and visualized my legs moving. And THEN………… I moved my legs. For real (not just fake this time like it’s been before feeling my spirit body move). MOVED THEM PHYSICALLY. This is unprecedented in my reality. I was so shocked that I broke the trance! So I don’t need $10,000, except to rehabilitate the damage done to my legs from not walking for four years, which I will do with that same naturopathic doctor (I have an appointment with him today—and oh it’s expensive). When I walk again, I will update here. Thank you everyone who’s been so kind so far.

Love, Nicole

Not only did I move my legs, but another crazy amazing thing happened!!!!! The angels, right after I moved them, came and took off what I realized were my training spiritual shoes (leaving the soles), and put on the most glorious fits-like-a-glove boots 👢 truly, a difference like unto terrestrial and celestial.

As different as the Sun is from the moon.

Update: Sunday May 18, 2025

I’ve been attempting to get back into that space of emptiness where I can move my legs, but it hasn’t happened.

So, I’m actually going to save up to go to a meditation retreat.

If you want to help financially, here ya go: https://gofund.me/f59f4c79

I used to work in a couple Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints temples, and I’ve had many sacred experiences within those walls.

I’ve felt spirits around me who were thankful for the work I was doing for them.

I’ve been an ordinance worker, a genealogist finding temple names, and I even helped with renovations and cleaning of the old St. George temple—which is the oldest temple in the LDS church. (I got to crawl UNDER the Baptistry on the red dirt! How many people can say that?!)

One of the most sacred experiences I’ve had—which I talk about extensively in my book Prelude in N Minor, is when the Provo Tabernacle burned down.

I had sung in the old building a couple of times in choir, and lived about 60 feet away from it for a few years during my first marriage, and I watched it burn down with shocked neighbors and firefighters.

Soon there was only a shell of the old walls standing.

And then my life fell apart.

Some time later, I was in the conference center when President Monson gave this announcement:

You could feel the electricity zooming through the crowd. I heard a story from I-forget-who, who said that he was bemoaning the old tabernacle burning down, and God clearly said, “Who are you to say I can’t renovate that old building into something better?”

I think humans are like that. God continually wants to bless us—even through tragedy—so that our lives will become something better. For instance, right now I’ve been on my stomach for the past week because I’ve got “no meat on them bones,” and I now have two pressure sores on my butt that will not heal unless I surrender…and be still.

Though this is still a tragedy for me, I know that there’s got to be a silver lining somewhere. If God could make sure the children of Israel’s clothing didn’t wear out, there’s got to be a good reason for my bottom wearing out at this time.

I can feel it in my (sit) bones.

Speaking of old bones…do something eternal for your ancestors. You’ll be glad you did.

And practice being still. I’ll be there with you, trying to renovate and reconnect and reconstruct my earthly tabernacle into a temple I’d want to be in, again.

Nations that uphold secret combinations shall be destroyed, Ether 8:22–23.

⛔️ WARNING!!⚠️

Have you seen the movie Terminator? How about i Robot? How about Wall-E, Blade Runner, Ex Machina, Alien, Robots, I Am Mother, Transcendence, The Machine, Avengers: Age of Ultron, Transformers, or (my personal favorite) The Matrix?

(Many of these are rated R, so I don’t recommend them without a filter service of some sort.)

Odd are, most of you have seen some of these movies.

Now, have you heard of these following three ideas…

1. That indoctrination is where the deep state/bad guys/modern day Gadianton Robbers distribute propaganda/ideas to make these ideas seem acceptable, and then even good and desirable en masse, especially to the upcoming generation.
2. The ‘Deep State’ (or secret combinations, or the uber rich people who have gotten rich through subtle means, which are pulling the strings that are in control of some of this AI technology) can say—Hey, we warned you. And you did nothing. So that gives us permission to do exactly what we said we’d do.
3. And that they truly believe that they will be able to control the chaos, but then it’ll get out of hand even for them.

In Helaman chapter 6, it reads,

26 Now behold, those secret oaths and covenants did not come forth unto Gadianton from the records which were delivered unto Helaman; but behold, they were put into the heart of Gadianton by that same being who did entice our first parents to partake of the forbidden fruit—

27 Yea, that same being who did plot with Cain, that if he would murder his brother Abel it should not be known unto the world. And he did plot with Cain and his followers from that time forth.

28 And also it is that same being who put it into the hearts of the people to build a tower sufficiently high that they might get to heaven. And it was that same being who led on the people who came from that tower into this land; who spread the works of darkness and abominations over all the face of the land, until he dragged the people down to an entire destruction, and to an everlasting hell.

29 Yea, it is that same being who put it into the heart of Gadianton to still carry on the work of darkness, and of secret murder; and he has brought it forth from the beginning of man even down to this time.

30 And behold, it is he who is the author of all sin. And behold, he doth carry on his works of darkness and secret murder, and doth hand down their plots, and their oaths, and their covenants, and their plans of awful wickedness, from generation to generation according as he can get hold upon the hearts of the children of men.

31 And now behold, he had got great hold upon the hearts of the Nephites; yea, insomuch that they had become exceedingly wicked; yea, the more part of them had turned out of the way of righteousness, and did trample under their feet the commandments of God, and did turn unto their own ways, and did build up unto themselves idols of their gold and their silver.

Do you see that Satan is always trying to mimic God? He puts it into the people’s hearts to build a physical way to get to heaven. He inspires them to have idols instead of worshipping God. To praise earthly kings instead of the God of the universe. And now I believe he’s inspiring the upcoming generation to build fake bodies for himself and his followers.

For that’s what they were all denied in the first place.

Except…with these bodies they would be faster, stronger, more united, and more intelligent and indestructible than any human being or army. They would be able to topple the world in a matter of minutes through the web.

Don’t let the word “conspiracy” stop you or your belief. The ENTIRE Book of Mormon is about conspiracies! If enough people are talking about an idea, or making movies or writing books about an idea, then it’s something worth noting. (For instance, there aren’t a million movies and books out there about a green octopus who lives in Sub Saharan Africa who tap dances while singing Dolly Parton’s songs. Because that’s not TRUE.)

We can’t just pull the wool over our eyes and pretend this indoctrination isn’t happening.

The generation that’s growing up now will be 18 and legal before you know it. Please warn them—teach them early to recognize truth, to be aware of the subtle energies around them and inside of them, and that robots don’t have this subtlety, or a conscience.

Makes me want to move to sub-Saharan Africa with my pet octopus.

“God is making a smart cookie. If I’m covered with spilt milk, that’s marvelous. If there’s egg on my face, it’s a bonus. If I’m mixed up, I’m delighted. If I’m beaten, I’m making progress. If the heat is on, I’ll warm to my task. If I’m half-baked, something good is cooking. When I feel I could crumble, I’m nearing perfection. Everything is going my way.”

Here’s some facts:

Names mean a lot…for instance,

Humpty Dumpty the broken egg is put back together again by Dr. Eggers….

All of these are the Cardiologists, the Dr. Lighthearts—they all put hearts back together….

And what’s really nuts is Nicole Marie Hilton means victory of the people, the Sea of bitterness on the hilltop.

Jesus Christ’s name, to me, means “Yes, us!” When I figured that out I grew closer to Him than ever before.

Names are incredibly important. Have you looked up what your name means? Has it played into how your life has played out, or not?

There’s something dark about October 7th, wouldn’t you agree?

In 1952, Russian dictator  Vladimir Putin, who served as president and prime minister of Russia, was born.

In 2001, Triggered by the September 11 attacks, the Afghanistan War began, as U.S. and British warplanes started bombing Taliban targets.

In 2020, I jumped off of Webb Hill and barely survived.

And in 2023, The Israel-Hamas War began when Hamas launched an attack on Israel from the Gaza Strip that resulted in more than 1,200 men, women and children, including 46 Americans and citizens of more than 30 countries being slaughtered – the largest massacre of Jews since the Holocaust.

Out of that last one emerged one of the most bad-A people of all time—Mia Schem, who was held hostage for 54 days. Pardon the expression, but what she went through blows me away—she candidly talks about what she went through without crying—SHE HAD HER ARM BLOWN OFF—and as she’s taken captive by Hamas, she’s like, “oh, can we grab my arm?!” She carries her own ARM around until they sew it back on, no meds, and does physical therapy on herself for 54 days straight in a tiny room with only ONE HOUR of sleep per day, being mocked, with almost no food, and horrible living conditions, bright lights on all the time, and bombs going off everywhere, and then the story continues.

She was rescued right at the moment she was about to give up.

Her story is a testament to how evil Hamas is, and how we need to stand with Israel at all costs.

She said it best when she candidly said,

Mia, I’m glad you aren’t M.I.A., and that you’re finally home. You are one of my heroes.

The first book in my Healing With Christ series is out! It’s the crazy amazing story of my life up until when I moved to Hawaii (and why…)

I’ve put so much work into perfecting this book—it also includes ways to heal whatever you have going on at the end. What I have found out is that there truly is no agony like bearing an untold story inside of you (the quote on the front of the book.)

Publishing this is one of the greatest milestones in my life, and I want to share it with you and with the entire world!

https://a.co/d/82Oewvn

It’s available on kindle, paperback, and hardback. The paperback and hardback are so expensive because there are full color pictures inside, so I’d recommend kindle if you’re short on cash.

Enjoy 😉

I have met Jesus Christ on several occasions.

His eyes are like blue fire. His hair is wavy auburn. His hands are large, protective, holy, and caring. His shoulders are broad enough to bear the whole Earth’s problems, pain, and suffering. His heart is glad, yet sad somehow, at the same time. His aspect is as splendid as the Sun. And His smile is the most beautiful thing l’ve ever seen in my entire life.

Or, A Preparation of the Gospel of Peace

Wednesday, October 16th, 2024

So, last night was literally one of the craziest nights of my life. And God has pulled some humdingers for sure…but I was never ever expecting this.

But first, I want you to take a good hard look at this printable poster:

It says, quite clearly in this here, erm, poster, that this spiritual armor is a military metaphor.

As in, it’s a nice bit of poetry. (Oh? Well, then if Paul is at it, I’d like to propose the addition of the Doublet of Dashery and the Crotch-piece of Contentment.)

(OH! I forgot to add…I want a Pauldron of Passion, and an Upper Cannon of the Vambrace. What what?)

and here’s a link to more serious people talking about this subject more seriously… https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2019/10/the-armor-of-god?lang=eng)

For the past year(ish?)…Or maybe several years…(yet I’ve only realized that it was happening because I’m now a paraplegic and can FEEL EVERYTHING that happens to my waist-down spiritually)…I’ve had these sticky spiritual layers connected to my feet and calves.

I started to notice, that whenever I chose good or learned a lesson deep down to my spiritual DNA on all levels that I’d have angels take a spiritual layer–or like an extremely sticky boot/shoe–off of my spiritual legs and feet.

It started to be like a sort of Minecraft game for me. How, you ask? I have no idea, but that’s the first game that came into my mind, and so I’m going to stick with it.

Did ya see what I did there?

…stick…with it. Stick. As in sticky. BA DUM TSSS!

https://youtu.be/fRs0OqV4uSc?si=iNVA0HaWmYvB83Fp

I remember writing in my journal about this, again and again, but pretty soon it was such a normal thing–happening about once a week for the past couple of years–that I’d even forget to write about it the next day.

Then, there was a layer maybe 10 layers ago where the angels started to ask me to exercise my own will and take the damn things off myself. Just a bit.

Then I’d complain and they’d do the rest.

I got the feeling that with each new layer it was like a smellier sock, hiding an even smellier sock underneath that one…until it was like ‘shrooms and stuff were hiding, or monsters, or something that made them so the angels COULDN’T HELP ME ANYMORE. Because, ya know…ContamiNation isn’t just a place in Washington D.C…

I had the feeling that the angels were now wearing HAZMAT suits and really thick gloves around me, at all times, because the stink was real with these stinky sticky socks from hell.

Thus, the point finally happened where the angels would nudge me at night and be all like, “Mmmk…next layer, Nicole, is all on you.” Then I’d contort myself into all sorts of shapes until that stupid-dark-shroom-sludge-layer-shoe was off. Then I’d finally collapse upon my pillow and go to sleep.

Then, there was the layer before last when, as soon as it was taken off, I felt nail holes the size of one of my fingers either being driven, or having been driven and I just then noticed that they were driven, THROUGH MY FRIGGIN’ SPIRITUAL FEET.

Like, can you say “OUCH” with me? OUCH.

Yeah, I spent a couple hours screaming and crying late into the night that night. My mom was freaking out right along with me and was all like, “LET’S THROW SOME PAIN MEDS AT IT!” and I was all like, “DO YOU SEE MY PHYSICAL FEET BLEEDING, MOM?! PHYSICAL PAIN MEDS AREN’T GOING TO CUT IT!!” and then she was like, “WELL…pray about it, maybe Dad can give you a blessing, and just…just…stick it out? Okay? I’ve got work in the morning…” And then she trailed off and trailed out of my room to leave me in my misery.

Then I was all like, ya know…she’s partially right. I need to hear Christ’s voice and then stick it out because He’ll actually tell me the reason why I need to.

So………..I called JJ for a revelation.

(If you’re late to the game, he has a gift with receiving extremely clear revelations for others with whom the Spirit gives permission. And, yeah, I know that’s going to raise some eyebrows, but do you not remember in the Book of Mormon where I think it was Captain Moroni who needed to know the enemies movements and so he sent for word from one of the prophets around those parts and he got specific word back for what to do?!? AKA, if you judged, you don’t know your own scriptures. And if you’re all like, ‘well, Nicole, hate to break it to ya…but you’re not Captain Moroni!’ And then I’d be all like, ‘Weh-heh-hellll isn’t just a place I’ve sludged through. How do you flippin’ know who I am?! And, guess what? To prove my point, how about you take away the part of that name that isn’t me–aka ‘i’. That’s it…spell it out…M-O-R-O-N.” Which you are if you don’t agree with me and aren’t laughing right now.)

Okay, so back to the hours of screaming and crying into the night a couple of months ago, because I felt nail wounds in my feet. I don’t know why this is (I have a few theories, though, but those will have to be for another time).

Pretty soon, after realizing this, I recognized that these layers were sticky, and gross, and that I’d probably had them ever since I was little…but just didn’t notice them being added upon layer after layer throughout the years until when they started coming off.

So, as I was saying, through the past couple of years ever since I started taking off layer after layer of spiritual satanic boots that started out like Puss in Boots’s boots and then slowly, ever so slowly, became more and more like thin cow’s leather and then after that more like really thick tights…well, to say the least, I started noticing that the layers didn’t seem at all as “fat” as before. I knew I was getting to the core of something. But I didn’t know what. But, like your favorite Disneyland jawbreaker, I knew there was something white in the middle.

I kept on thinking, “what’s at the core of this here gobstopper? I hope it’s a yummy core. And soon. Because I feel like I can’t lick, or take, one more layer off. It’s been at least thirty layers already over the past few years” (after I became a paraplegic and could actually notice what was happening to my lower spiritual body) “and each layer seems to require something new of me spiritually and each layer gets harder and harder to take off, basically!”

Which was true.

Here’s a clip to describe how I’ve been feeling from this depressing movie. (Go to 2:57. I think it’s an accurate metaphor.)

In the past ten or so layers, I started to have to actually drag my body/spiritual body around get bed just to wrap my mind and spirit around getting the damn things off! Weird shapes because there’s not much The Ring-dragging when you’re a paraplegic in bed. As in, there’s about six inches to drag yourself forward. And six inches isn’t enough to drag off knee-high satanic boots. Ya know what I’m sayin’? (P.s. The Ring is an awful horror show were this creepy girl crawls in a TV out of a well, across the grass, and out of the TV. Bam. Now you don’t have to see it.)

I’ve had to get myself out of bed sometimes (that means, fall two feet out of bed like a rag doll) and drag myself across the floor to get layers off sometimes.

Then, the night CAME! Ohhhhhh yes, it did. The night came when I took the LAST FRIGGIN SATANIC CUTTING TWO SIZES TOO SMALL STILETTO CUTTING STRAP OFF OF THE TOPS OF MY FEET!

I literally felt like I went from this:

To this:

Sigh.

I knew it, too, because all of a sudden the unseen angels around my bed were able to touch the tops of my feet.

I was beside myself with eeeeeeeep-ness because it had been years. And at times the going got tough, man. I’m talking about angels waking you at all hours of the night (Okaaaay I’m being dramatic. They’d only keep me from going to sleep in the first place), trying to get you to take off yet another layer from your feet, and then you complain because,

1. you’re human. And humans need sleep.
2. you have no idea what’s going on.
3. and you sometimes don’t even have faith that these aren’t just satan’s forces playing mind games with you and wasting your time.

So, the going was ongoing tough-ness, and JJ my ex kept on giving me revelation from God saying, “keep on going, someday this will all make sense. Just keep doing the work you’re doing.” and I kept on saying, “then why does it feel like I’m playing the horror movie version of Minecraft? Aka, it’s pointless!”

And then the time comes where my spiritual feet were revealed and it was all but point! As in, I felt these nail holes in my spiritual feet. And it felt REAL. So, understandably, I’m all like, “GOD! WHY ON YOUR FLIPPIN’ BEAUTIFUL EARTH IS THERE SUCH MISERY?!”

And then He’s like (through JJ), “Just keep on doing the emotional and spiritual work you’re doing! This will alllllllll make sense! …Eventually! “

Then I’m all like, “IT HAD BETTER! BECAUSE I NOR JJ HAS EVER HEARD OF THIS BEFORE! AND WE ARE SCRIPTORIANS! …Basically.”

But then…I could still feel that there were sticky sludge soles like, super-glued to the bottoms of my feet. And I realized that the bloody holes just revealed in my feet would probably get infected if I didn’t get the sticky soles off of the bottoms of my feet post haste.

So, days and days went by. The angels prodded me over and over–and I tried to get the soles off, over and over. I told them, “WHY CAN’T YOU JUST PUT ON HAZMAT GLOVES AND HELP ME?” But I knew better–this was something I had to do myself.

So, I continually would move my spiritual feet up to two feet away from my body, and tried to get the right heel off with the left toe, or the left heel off with the right toe, and I’d get about four inches peeling it off, and then I’d reach a point halfway through of where I absolutely could. not. do. it.

Like, it was spiritually impossible. The sticky-rat-trap soles of my spiritual feet had won.

I remember the night I gave up. It was a couple of months ago.

I was crying, and so very frustrated, and I cried out, “Okay, angels or whoever ya’ll unseen peeps are…I cannot do this anymore. Please, stop bugging me. Because I give up.”

An Unseen Sole Policeman prodded me, as if to say, “it’ll be worth it!”

And I said back, through tears, “I physically…I mean spiritually, cannot. do. it! And you can probably clearly see that I cannot do this without some kind of help! I can’t stretch outside of my body more than what I’ve been doing and so and I cannot get the damn things off. I can’t do this alone. I give up. I’m actually giving up. I’m sorry. I’ve failed you all…and I’ve probably failed myself but I can’t get the sticky things more than halfway off before I spiritually can’t stretch that way anymore.“

(I wish I had a movable diagram here to show the predicament.)

I think, after a couple of days, the angels saw that I was serious.

And I was. It was spiritually impossible. As I’ve said. I just want to drive that home to ya again, in case you didn’t believe me before.

Okay…so that was a couple of months ago. But, last night I felt the Unseen Ones prod me before I fell asleep. I hadn’t felt them prod me in awhile, so I was curious to see–or feel–why.

I had a feeling I was supposed to turn onto my stomach, so I did. The angels kept on grabbing my now-spiritually-naked calves and they were sort of telepathically telling me to reach my spiritual feet up–like bending my knees and sending my heels and soles up to the ceiling.

So, I did.

And, there was an iron bar there.

I was all like, “the iron rod?! That’s perfect! LET’S DO THIS!”

So, I hooked my heels up around the rod and started to separate the backs of the sticky soles from my spiritual feet, and the angels (I could tell) were very excited that this was working, and then the soles were halfway off, I started to say, “HELL YES!” But then I realized that wouldn’t be appropriate, and then I just said, “HE–YES, YES, YES, ALMOST GOT IT, YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!” and then the most amazing thing happened…the angels started slipping on new comfy spiritual soles immediately after the sticky ones were off!

And I knew they were made of gold. Squishy gold.

I was thrilled. The angels were thrilled. We were all thrilled.

Then the angels started to thread golden strings through the sides of the soles, crisscrossing over the tops of my feet about three times, and then they started to lace the strings up my calves, to about two inches below my knee.

. . .

I had a healer who was helping me once–maybe around 2018, and she asked me, “Have you received your spiritual armor yet?”

SAY WHAAAA? It was just like my .5 seconds of shock at learning there were fairies (there are), or giants (yep, these too), or unicorns, or dragons, or Sasquatches, or the Blibbering Humdinger (this last one has yet to be proven…)

I was all like, “Um…no…..”

She was all like, “Well, ask to see it! And imagine putting it on, everyday. Eventually, it’ll become real. Spiritual creation is real–it’s all about your imagination. ”

Then she had me buy this coin that was all about spiritual armor…but I never actually considered taking her seriously. Like, that this was something we all are able to acquire as Christians.

Or that the scriptures could be literal.

I mean, what world would this be if the scriptures were both literal and figurative? One in which my dad’s brain would bust for sure.

. . .

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2019/10/the-armor-of-god?lang=eng

Okay, now down to the MEAT of this post…KAPOW!

Let me mention, first, that the bulk of the Book of Mormon is about warfare…. then, let’s talk about Ephesians Chapter 6:

Here’s some interesting biblical background facts about Paul, who wrote it (also from lds.org), HOWEVER, I don’t quite agree with the first point, which sort of feels like Paul just “made this up” as a metaphor, which couldn’t be further from the truth…

• Paul was a Roman citizen, and Roman soldiers had a visible military presence in occupied lands. In addition, Paul wrote his epistle to the Ephesians while in captivity in Rome and was likely guarded by Roman soldiers. So the Roman “whole armour” was likely what Paul had in mind.
• The prophet Isaiah described the Messiah as having a breastplate of righteousness and a helmet of salvation when He would come to intercede for His people and save them (see Isaiah 59:17).
• The ancient Greek word for “whole armour” (panoplia) meant all of the equipment needed to be fully armed to wage effective warfare, including both defensive shielding and offensive weaponry (see Ephesians 6:11, 13; see also Luke 11:22).

Doth sayith thine dusty and oft-forsaken-at-leasteth-in-mineth-case scriptures:

11 Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.

12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

13 Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

14 Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;

Ooh, squirrel!

15 And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;

16 Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.

17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:

18 Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;

Aaaaaand hereafter doth (what what?) are whateth these things meaneth:

Loins girt: When we have our “loins girt about with truth” (Ephesians 6:14), we are prepared to move against evil. We prepare ourselves through personal worthiness, scripture study, and prayer.

Breastplate: A breastplate protects vital organs such as the heart and lungs. Our righteous thoughts and deeds help keep up our spiritual vitality. “He who doeth the works of righteousness shall receive his reward, even peace in this world, and eternal life in the world to come” (Doctrine and Covenants 59:23).

Feet shod: Our feet should be shod with the “preparation of the gospel of peace” (Ephesians 6:15). “Your feet … represent your goals or objectives in life. … Preparedness is the way to VICTORY. … The tide of victory rests with him who is prepared” (Harold B. Lee, in “Message from the First Presidency,” Ensign, Jan. 1971, 2).

Shield: With “the shield of faith,” we can “quench all the fiery darts of the wicked” (Ephesians 6:16). Those flaming arrows rain down from all directions, and we need the faith and trust in the Lord that will keep us from the spiritual harm the adversary’s temptations would inflict.

Helmet: “The ‘helmet of salvation’ [Ephesians 6:17] guards our reasoning, intellect, and thoughts” (Robert D. Hales, “Modesty: Reverence for the Lord,” Ensign, Aug. 2008, 39). If we focus our minds on Jesus Christ and His gospel, our thoughts can be kept pure and our eyes single to the glory of God.

Sword: “The sword of the Spirit … is the word of God” (Ephesians 6:17). The word of God is “sharper than any two edged sword” (Hebrews 4:12), and the Spirit can “pierce even to the very soul” (Helaman 5:30). With our testimony and the power and peace of God’s Spirit, we can strike against error and conquer the enemy of all righteousness.

And here’s a list from I forget who, and the list is obviously incomplete, of things you can do everyday to help you acquire your spiritual armor.

So, now my feet are shod. I’m shodded. With shoes. Peaceful shoes. Kind shoes. Preparedness sho—

Oh, look! An armed squirrel!

You cannot hear the whispering of the Still Small Voice, just think, “What would PISS OFF Lucifer the most??”

I’ve been doing that and it works wonderfully.

Greg Klingler – “Ye are the Body of Christ” – BYU-Idaho
— Read on video.byui.edu/media/t/0_8p1n95vh

This woman is amazing. This YouTube film is a must-see/must understand for anyone who wants to be “let in to the wedding feast.”

https://youtu.be/dU81hfwml6Q?si=dr0JJfBCBlJ8fg8L

Here are my notes—but I HIGHLY recommend getting this information from the video itself, as I wasn’t able to capture the beauty and majesty of this thousands-of-years-old symbolism.

Ancient marriage ceremony

Who selected the bride for Adam? God the father. But she also gets to veto the whole thing if she wants to. The Lord gave Him a handpicked wife. 

1. Selecting the bride
2. Betrothal phase (legally binding)
3. then separate for a year and not see each other. Sign katuba, all about what the groom would do for the bride. He will provide food and clothing. He will redeem you if you’re ever taken into slavery. It’s a safety net. She belongs to Him in that she was His stewardship. One copy that’s deep blue for the couple, one for the brides family, and one for the magistrate. New Logo! Shows Christ under a Jerusalem window that’s blue like a katuba because He’s the bridegroom and it’s a katuba!!!
4. Dowry—endowment. It’s a gift that is an investment that keeps on giving. The dowry is a failsafe for the bride if the man screws it up. “I am the bride’s Father so she is worth my protection.” The endowment is the gift for the bride that keeps on giving. 

Endowment includes an alabaster box with ointment the bride would anoint her husband upon his death. Luke 7–

Then right after that you are introduced to Mary Magdalene. 

This is someone who would be redeemed from her sins—the redemption price is setting the soul free from an eternal life of sin.

The Sinner with Ointment

Upon learning that Christ dined with a Pharisee, “a woman in the city, which was a sinner, … brought an alabaster box of ointment” (Luke 7:37) and bravely entered the home. She stood behind the Savior weeping, then washed His feet with her tears, and “did wipe them with the hairs of her head, and kissed … and anointed them with the ointment” (Luke 7:38).

To the Pharisee, the very fact that the Savior allowed the woman to touch Him discredited His divine calling. “This man,” the Pharisee said to himself, “if he were a prophet, would have known who and what manner of woman this is” (Luke 7:39). However, in a subtle act of recognition and reprimand, the Savior highlighted the significance of the woman’s actions by comparing them to the host’s:

“Thou gavest me no water for my feet: but she hath washed my feet with tears. …

“Thou gavest me no kiss: but [she] … hath not ceased to kiss my feet.

“My head with oil thou didst not anoint: but [she] hath anointed my feet with ointment” (Luke 7:44–46).

Although her sins were many, Christ forgave her and told her to go in peace, “for she loved much” (Luke 7:47). From her example, we learn that no matter how small or large our sins may be, we are never beyond the reach of the Savior. As we come unto Him and show Him our love, He will grant us the forgiveness we seek.

When you pour the oil on someone’s head, your face shines! The oil in the alabaster box given to the bride is to, eventually, pour over the husband during his burial.

How did this woman know Jesus was going to die? Perhaps she wasn’t just some random woman off the street.

5. The Father and the bridegroom stand at her door and knock. She can open the door and accept that she will be married to Christ. Then she is bound to Him. Or she can refuse.

The three part temple ceremony is what we are seeing. We are preparing for the marriage to happen. The garden of Eden was a temple, they were married, then to get back into the Earth in its paradisiacal glory is up to Christ. 

The word paradise also sometimes refers to the celestial kingdom. In the tenth article of faith, the word paradisiacal describes the Earth’s glory in the Millennium.

Everything is done by the groom. All He asks of her is to “love me and keep my commandments”. “I betrothed thee forever.”

The bride would open the door, and as a sign of agreement they would share some bread and wine. 

The groom would then leave and go back to his Father’s house and build a home for His bride for one year. Or, He’s going to prepare a place—mansions—for us.

The first coming is the betrothal. The second coming is the marriage.

Then an invitation would be sent to all of the wedding guests to change your robe from your left shoulder to the right shoulder….

The bride would have some idea when it’s going to happen—but not the day or the hour. 

The groom doesn’t even know. “No one knows the day nor the hour…” The only one who knows is the Father. He sees when His son is ready and will have everything ready. Then, He will say, “Okay, go get your bride.”

Reminder invitation/Second invitation. “Go out and get all that were bidden.” All they who were bidden have about 30 minutes to get to the wedding. 

Back to the Garden of Eden: Adam prepares the Garden of Eden. Then he falls asleep. Then, at the Father’s voice/bidding, He awakes to his Bride.

In the meantime the bride would be preparing the wedding dress. She would also take this long strip of fabric or sash and embroider on both sides symbols that are beautiful and personal to the families, and to the couple. (After the marriage “bears fruit” they would anoint the baby with oil and wrap the baby in swaddling clothes—in the sash she had made.)

When the oil lamps are lit, at night, everyone starts the procession towards the bride’s Father’s house. She and her attendants were supposed to be ready and ever watchful for when the bridegroom comes. Because we know not the hour when He comes. But we do know the season. The bride and her attendants are watching and listening for the groom’s procession with trumpets. The rosh hashana is usually in the fall or September. (So, perhaps the second coming will be in September of some year very soon?)

(Moroni came on September 21st—with the same symbol of blowing a trumpet—he came to Joseph Smith—who translated the Book of Mormon—which prepares the bride for the bridegroom.)

Isaiah 26:19 then talks about how the groom comes out to get the bride, she’s watching in the dark of night. So, watch and listen! The groom would wear white and a crown of gold, anointed with frankincense and myrrh. There would be a joyful procession—and it gives her 30 minutes to prepare—then she gets her procession and her oil lamps to meet up with the groom’s!

Then they knock on the door. The ancient times you’d bolt the door. The only way to know each other is your voice. The barrier you have to ask questions through the veil. Does he know you by your voice? Have you prayed vocally to Him?

The five wise virgins and the bride go into the wedding feast.

5 unwise didn’t have on the wedding garment, see Elder Bednar’s talk about the parable of the wedding garment. The king is hurt by the rejection of the foolish people not wearing a wedding garment. They had been invited by a friend, and they knew what to wear. Yet they didn’t wear the wedding garment, for shame! So, they are thrown out to outer darkness. (If you are kicked out of the king’s palace you are stuck outside in the dark. The only house that’s filled with light and life and safety is the Father’s or King’s house.)

Oil was from pressed olives from the tree. Garden of Gethsemane symbolism here.

Think about where the bride got the oil to anoint the bridegroom—from that Gethsemane tree. 

Then, after the marriage, they launch into a seven day wedding feast!!! A huge party and celebration!!

There were four cups that were meant to be drunk. There was a bitter cup that only the bridegroom drank, so she wouldn’t have to. <crying happy yet also devastated. This is why we must always remember HIM and his sacrifice!>

Then they would consummate the marriage. Then the wife would have to come out with blood on a cloth. If she was not a virgin the penalty was death by stoning.

Christ will forgive us/His wife. We are all guilty! None of us is innocent. We need a Redeemer. We’ve all screwed up…but we will be forgiven. Because HIS blood will be on the cloth. He bears the burden. He’s the bridegroom who will come out from the consummation of the marriage wearing a red robe covered with our blood. He will lift up His saints, and they will be covered in white robes, and He will bear the burden of the red robe.

Then there would be ten witnesses of women who would also witness that the marriage was consummated.

Mark ch. 2:19-20 “Why don’t your disciples fast?” “I’m the bridegroom, I’m here, so they don’t need to fast. But when I’m taken away they will fast.” Fasting is a sign that we want Him to return. This is our wailing wall. Lord, we want you to come back!—that physical hunger is what we should be feeling in the absence of the bridegroom spiritually.

…7 years were the dowry/bride price he paid. He gets Leah. Sinai also follows the three part wedding symbolism.

…. Blah blah I don’t wanna type anymore. Just listen! 🙀🚢 And I’m on a cruise, anyway. Lol.

Ugh!!! Damn my brain injury and DID!!! I don’t even remember sending this to my best friend a week ago!! I don’t even remember this dream!!!!!!!!! Why oh why have I been wasting time watching TV!?

Have you heard of the Shroud of Turin? Course you have.

Well, there’s evidence that it’s not fake:

https://www.irishstar.com/news/us-news/turin-shroud-scientific-update-jesus-33511246

And thus, the first ever photograph was made— when Jesus was resurrected and a huge flash of light emanated from His body—imprinting His likeness on the shroud around Him.

Like the guy at the bottom of this entry says—do I need any physical evidence for the faith that is in me? Of course I don’t now…but there are times in the past when I did.

And so with the aid of modern technology, here He is recreated.

I can testify this is indeed Him!

What do you think? Is this faith promoting for you, or just a confirmation of what you already know? Or both?

More discussion:

Most of my life, I’ve been an extrovert. But with the sponging up of the dregs of my brain, I’ve found that introversion and introspection is the way I want to go.

It’s been a challenge, to say the least, to learn how to listen to myself—even when I’m upsetting the status quo with myself (and with others).

Here’s from the app Letting Go…

Honesty in Relationships 

We can be honest and direct about our boundaries in relationships and about the parameters of a particular relationship.

Perhaps no area of our life reflects our uniqueness and individuality in recovery more than our relationships. Some of us are in a committed relationship. Some of us are dating. Some of us are not dating. Some of us are living with someone. Some of us wish we were dating. Some of us wish we were in a committed relationship. Some of us get into new relationships after recovery. Some of us stay in the relationship we were in before we began recovering.

We have other relationships too. We have friendships. Relationships with children, with parents, with extended family. We have professional relationships—relationships with people on the job.

We need to be able to be honest and direct in our relationships. One area we can be honest and direct about is the parameters of our relationships. We can define our relationships to people, an idea written about by Charlotte Kasl and others, and we can ask them to be honest and direct about defining their vision of the relationship with us.

It is confusing to be in relationships and not know where we stand—whether this is on the job, in a friendship, with family members, or in a love relationship. We have a right to be direct about how we define the relationship—what we want it to be. But relationships equal two people who have equal rights. The other person needs to be able to define the relationship too. We have a right to know, and ask. So do they.

Honesty is the best policy.

We can set boundaries. If someone wants a more intense relationship than we do, we can be clear and honest about what we want, about our intended level of participation. We can tell the person what to reasonably expect from us, because that is what we want to give. How the person deals with that is his or her issue. Whether or not we tell the person is ours.

We can set boundaries and define friendships when those cause confusion.

We can even define relationships with children, if those relationships have gotten sticky and exceeded our parameters. We need to define love relationships and what that means to each person. We have a right to ask and receive clear answers. We have a right to make our own definitions and have our own expectations. So does the other person.

The clearer we can become on defining relationships, the more we can take care of ourselves in that relationship. We have a right to our boundaries, wants, and needs. So does the other person. We can not force someone to be in a relationship or to participate at a level we desire if he or she does not want to. All of us have a right not to be forced.

Information is a powerful tool, and having the information about what a particular relationship is—the boundaries and definitions of it—will empower us to take care of ourselves in it.

Relationships take a while to form, but at some point we can reasonably expect a clear definition of what that relationship is and what the boundaries of it are. If the definitions clash, we are free to make a new decision based on appropriate information about what we need to do to take care of ourselves.

Today, I will strive for clarity and directness in my relationships. If I now have some relationships that are murky and ill-defined, and if I have given them adequate time to form, I will begin to take action to define that relationship. God, help me let go of my fears about defining and understanding the nature of my present relationships. Guide me into clarity—clear, healthy thinking. Help me know that what I want is okay. Help me know that if I can’t get that from the other person, what I want is still okay, but not possible at the present time. Help me learn to not forego what I want and need, but empower me to make appropriate, healthy choices about where to get that.

It’s amazing to me that Jesus always wants me to talk with Him, to bug Him incessantly, to pray constantly. This amazement is born out of the parts of me that are just now starting to learn how to feel again, that it’s safe to do so, and that it’s also safe to put boundaries on my relationships with others.

Jesus and our Heavenly Parents are the only ones we cannot be codependent upon. We cannot rely upon them in excess. They will never be exhausted by us, or put boundaries on us, or only be available between the hours of one and three pm. And for that I am humbled and astounded and grateful all at the same time.

And in my quest to become like Jesus, I’m realizing that it’s okay to admit I’m human.

Here’s a story I’ve recently unearthed on my computer about how utterly wrong one can be about God.

By Nicole Marie Hilton, 2015, about 2007 in high school

“I need to tell you something,” L said.

“What?” I said, putting a look of deep interest on my face.

“I had a dream once…where I was standing on a lake, which seemed to go on for forever. In the distance I could see a man walking on the water. Nicole—I knew it was Jesus Christ.”

I paused, staring at her perfectly makeup-ed face. I stared for a little too long—so that I was finally conscious of the look of rapt attention slowly sliding off my face. And underneath? Consternation. Confusion.

I finally managed to say, “Wow, L. That’s…that’s wonderful.” I smiled, trying to let her know that pseudo-Nicole was truly happy for her experience. Because, that would be the normal reaction from anybody else, right?

Back at home, I was quiet. Didn’t say much to my parents when they greeted me, and I even avoided Annie, who painfully had gotten up off her place on the ground to greet me.

I brushed my teeth, washed my makeup off, put on my green and pink striped Victoria’s Secret pajamas, and then I knelt by my bed.

“Father?”

There was nothing. As usual.

“Father? I know you are there. I know it. Because, I know all the testimonies are true.”

Still, nothing.

“I don’t know why you’ve turned your back on the one person in this entire town who most needs your help…probably. I’m….I’m…I’m angry at you! Or maybe just tired. Tired of knowing you never listen to me! How you’ve turned your back on me again and again, but you hear everybody else!” My hands were shaking with rage, and I dug my fingernails into my palms so that crescent-shaped bruises would form while I slept.

“GOD!” I shouted. My heart was swelling with all the tears of my life, and hopefully soon it would burst, and I would slip into a blessed void where I simply was not.

I climbed into bed, giving up on prayer. I buried my face in my pillow and screamed and screamed.

Why does the girl with the rich parents, perfect body, personality, face, and singing voice, get to see Christ—and I don’t? I thought Christ went after the one who was lost, and left the ninety nine behind. But, that’s not the case!

Or, maybe it was. But first, the one lost sheep has to be on God’s radar, and it was perfectly plain to me that I wasn’t. That I never was.

This was how I felt for years and years. I think about Job, and how he went through his dark night of the soul, too. And then I think about how God rewarded him–as I feel I have been rewarded. I mean, God has fulfilled the deepest wishes of my heart. I know, now, that He knows me–and that He’s never ever forgotten me. He has prepared a place for me–close to the beating ventricles of his heart.

Or, Lot’s Wife

They came for me in the middle of the night last night—August 4th, 2024.

There were at least 10-15 people in my room. They awakened me and the one foremost among them said, “It’s time to go, Nicole.”

I felt my heart leap within me with fear and then with excitement! Their eyes glowed with an intense expression that I remembered; they had come for me six months ago and I had forgetten it like it was something out of a dream. I remembered that time, them standing in my room, and doubting and saying, “Really?? Like, are you sure??! I haven’t done all that I wanted to do! What about my books?!” Then they quickly left—they faded away, leaving my room darker than before they had appeared.

I realized that I was exactly like Lot’s wife who turned into a pillar of salt as she looked back with longing at Sodom. I had then wept as if my heart would break and resolved from then on to save all my important photos and documents to lds.org and leave the world completely behind in my heart and my mind for the time the call came again.

But then with my brain injury/DID it was like the memory of it was lost—it was there one day, and then it wasn’t. I had this awful feeling of suspicion that I was forgetting something that was a life or death fact for me and others.

There was a call…a call from who? Who was calling? And for what?!?

Well, it came for the second time on July 31st, 2024. They were all in my room again. There were more people this time—at least 15-20 of these translated beings all crammed into my small space, staring at me.

I awoke, saw them, and had a moment of fear, but then the fear left me and I suddenly remembered the previous time! It was time to go!! I said, “Can I bring my dog?” A woman near me said, “Yes, but you have to hurry.”

As I sat up more fully in bed, I was excited to see how they would get me walking again. They communicated to my mind that they would “transfer” me, bed and all, to where they were going. I got the sense it was a starship.

But then I started to fear, I said, “wait, let me grab my computer and my lipgloss!” I turned to my right, searching in the darkness for these things.

When I turned back to the left, realizing I’d made a mistake AGAIN, they were gone—faded away until my room stood stark and empty as it was before.

This time I didn’t weep—I was just furious with myself. I was wide awake until morning. I sent out vibes to them that said, “I’m sorry!!! I’m sorry I’ve been just like Lot’s wife!!! Could there possibly be a third time? I’ll get my heart in the right place. I promise. Please come back for me. I’ll be ready. Please.” 💔

Truly, like it says in Matthew 24:40, “Two men will be in the field; one will be taken and the other left,” for I know of no one else who has had this happen to them. Perhaps it’s all been for a reason—to scare me just bad enough where I will speak up and warn everyone I know to prepare.

The scripture from D and C says, “Behold, I sent you out to testify and warn the people, and it becometh every man who hath been warned to warn his neighbor.”

You’ve been warned. Don’t be like me and not be prepared in your mind and heart enough to be rescued in this first round of rescues before the storm comes. You’re getting the chance to hear this now. We are in the final seconds of the final minutes of the final inning in this game we call the world. Get your heart in the right place, and humble yourself—and repent daily, for that is what I’ve been doing ever since this happened and I’m shaking right now as I write this. I hope my family and I can still be saved.

Please get right with God. Time is running out. —NMH

By Nicole Marie Hilton

The one day since I had entered the temple I decided not to wear my garments, I quit Ubering around Salt Lake City long enough to stop in a field and cry out to God.

“Why aren’t you there for me?!” I screamed to the long grass.

I thought I was alone.

I was wrong.

This seemingly random HUGE truck pulls up behind me, I turn around as a guy leans out of his window and looks me straight in the eye and yells at me, quite forcefully, “DON’T FORGET YOUR PROTECTION!!”

I drove home very, very carefully that day and put my garments back on.

The man was either, a. A madman following the Spirit or, b. A translated being with a penchant for huge trucks. Yep, there’s no other option in my head.

I’ve thought a lot about regrets since then. Let me tell you a few of them…

I’ve regretted spending time memorizing Monty Python but I’ve never regretted memorizing the scriptures,

I’ve regretted going to a Britney Spears concert but I’ve never regretted going to a Lauren Daigle concert,

I’ve regretted thinking I know it all but I’ve never regretted asking for The Spirit to teach me,

I’ve regretted texting people but I’ve never regretted receiving messages from God,

I’ve regretted spending hours on YouTube but I’ve never regretted spending hours studying conference talks.

I’ve regretted spending time on makeup tutorials but I’ve never regretted being creative towards growth.

I’ve regretted playing video games but I’ve never regretted spending time with the elderly.

I’ve regretted being so nice I lose touch with who I want to be around but I’ve never regretted being wise and kind.

I’ve regretted giving into anxiety and fear but I’ve never regretted increasing my faith and trust in Him.

I’ve regretted hatred for my weaknesses but I’ve never regretted gladness for what my Savior has done for me.

I’ve realized that Gratitude to God, integrity, surrendering, and flowing in the deep wisdom from your Heart is the way to heaven.

I’ve regretted giving into addictions but I’ve never regretted having self control.

I’ve never regretted one minute of sincere prayer but I have regretted letting my mind complain about my circumstances.

I’ve regretted putting off that still small voice for even one second but I’ve never regretted doing exactly what He bids me.

I’ve regretted resenting and then hating God but I’ve never regretted trusting Him with all my heart.

What use is the information on the internet or more quotes from Pinterest if I haven’t already heeded what I’ve already received in personal revelation, the scriptures, coda and AA meetings, and conference?

I’ve realized that radical acceptance is the only way out of hell. Accepting reality means freedom from suffering and freedom from suffering requires acknowledging what is. To accept something is not the same as judging it as good. But it does mean access to God’s help and love.

He is real. He is coming. We must be prepared to meet Him—seeking His face even beforehand, and the day will come that you see Him and know that He is the life and the light of the world. And in Him is all healing from pain, anxiety, anger, and fear.

I’ve realized that being physically Broken means letting the spiritual light in if you choose to accept it.

He holds me sometimes at night and whispers love into my heart, and that is the only healing I’ll ever need in this mortality.

I know that to give into fear is never a good idea unless you fear God and what might happen if you don’t repent daily and listen to the still small voice.

Tend towards hope in your mind and seek His touch, His sight, and His voice and He’ll be there.

Here’s to living life without regrets and with more faith.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Basically everyone is codependent to some degree. If you don’t believe me, come to a CODA (Codependents Anonymous) meeting and you’ll find out.

These meetings are flipping amazing. The amount of self aware, real people there is basically 90%. If you wanna cut the bull crap from your life, just go to a CODA meeting.

I believe the only person you cannot be codependent on is Jesus Christ.

I have an app—it’s called “Letting Go,” and this is what it said for today:

Gratitude 

We learn the magical lesson that making the most of what we have turns it into more.

— CODEPENDENT NO MORE

Say thank you, until you mean it.

Thank God, life, and the universe for everyone and everything sent your way.

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. It turns problems into gifts, failures into successes, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. It can turn an existence into a real life, and disconnected situations into important and beneficial lessons. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.

Gratitude makes things right.

Gratitude turns negative energy into positive energy. There is no situation or circumstance so small or large that it is not susceptible to gratitude’s power. We can start with who we are and what we have today, apply gratitude, then let it work its magic.

Say thank you, until you mean it. If you say it long enough, you will believe it.

Today, I will shine the transforming light of gratitude on all the circumstances of my life.

___________

This was a joy for me to be reminded of first thing this morning. Why? Well…I’ll tell you why.

I’m way too…ugh…”dramatic” with my body. (That’s a nice way of saying accident prone.)

So, yesterday I fell out of bed because I couldn’t get comfortable and whenever that happens I like to sleep on the floor and this happened:

It’s the left photo—the right photo is how healed it has been since the last break. Basically…it’s shattered. Yep, a three foot fall did that.

They are going to put two titanium rods in the bone to stabilize it.

Part of me was wanting to scream…but then it was like this wiser part wanted and succeeded 50% of the time to be the wiser self.

When I got home, the Spirit told me to look in my purse. I took out my notebook for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy I’ve carried around with me to help me understand and get out of the codependency I felt with my body. (Aka, if you would just work right, I could be happy!!!! You friggin lump of clay!!!)

So, even though I tried to think positively in the hospital after seeing those pictures, I failed. BUT, then when I looked through my little handy DBT notebook, because I was led to the right information at the right time, I succeeded.

Just like I did in jail.

I’m realizing that you need to course correct towards the feeling of gratitude and Joy several times a day. Especially if you’re a victim. It’ll turn you into a victor, and instead of being buried by your problems, they will exalt you into a higher sphere.

It works!

The parts of me that were the most angry and hurt have finally come around, and I’m filled with love to bursting every day!

Nothing will age you more than unresolved anger. And the Devil also knows how transference works—if I’m angry at someone else—who’s just a scared little boy or girl on the inside if they have hurt me and don’t realize it—I’ll be angry at God and my future spouse and myself and friends. It will destroy all my relationships.

I’ll have no emotional energy for other people because all my emotional energy goes towards nursing that anger…and all my relationships have been affected and cut off.

It’s also going to cut off my spiritual connection to God.

The Holy Spirit’s flowers—the joy, peace, kindness, charity, self control, gentleness—will be choked out by the weeds of resentment.

This isn’t dismissing it at all—this is giving it to God because it’s too heavy, and He knows what we don’t, and sees what we can’t.

It’s simply a willingness to let go of my white-knuckled grip on my ego, anger, and resentment. (Look up Tapping for Anger on YouTube.)

Think of Stephan—he said, “do not hold this against them, Father, receive my soul.” AS HE WAS BEING STONED!

Basically, don’t stand in the way of God. God will dole out the punishments and make everything right.

Do I actually call myself a Christian, yet have the gall to hold onto resentment and bitterness? That’s following the Devil and professing to be of God but not knowing Him!! Say, “I don’t want what happened to me then to define me now! I’m not going to pretend that it didn’t happen, I’m not going to pretend like it’s not a big deal. I’m saying that it’s such a big deal, God, You take care of it because I can’t.”

Every day release it over and over—be mindful of your thoughts. Because on the other side of it is something worth fighting for. There’s no other way to get to beautiful relationships than through Grace and undeserved forgiveness.

Think of Cinderella. You’ve seen glimpses of yourself with your heart at peace and joy. On the other side is freedom and a good night’s sleep. If He did it for us, we can do it for others.

I said to myself, “Remember that one girl from high school who seemed like she had it all? My resentment came from deep down thinking that she was thinking that she was better than me. It doesn’t matter if she was actually thinking that—all that matters is my reaction. That’s my purview. I shall put her, and put everyone else, in Gods hands.

“Father, today take back the ground that the enemy has claimed. Father, take all the bitterness away from my heart. Help me to forgive as the righteous Lamanites did. God, don’t let anger and bitterness become who I am. I’m sorry for how my anger, bitterness, and resentment has caused You grief and pain. I ask You now to reclaim the part of my heart that has become dead and hard and bring it to life again. I release my bitterness to You, and I’ll do it again tomorrow.”

I know that my enemy will try to reestablish his foothold in my heart, and remind me of the pain and the hurt… and when that happens I’ll pray, “please help me to remember that I don’t have to carry that pain anymore. It belongs to You now: I’ve released it, I’ve trusted You with it, and I’ve placed it in Your nail pierced hands. Help me as I grab ahold of Your Grace and peace, freedom, and love.”

By Venetia Garcia

“I once had an extraordinary experience that to this day, I don’t know how it happened.

“I was enjoying nature and completely conscious, when suddenly I dove deep into the hand of someone sitting next to me.

“I felt all her cell’s emotions and amazing intelligence. It was unbelievable how much each single cell was packed with so much emotion. It was like every emotion we feel was as though they feel it 10x stronger.

“I felt the organs in her body and how they are all programmed simply for one thing—and that is to keep us alive! They do so much for us!! There is no ego between each organ, they all work together in complete unison so beautifully.

“I was existing in this place of awe as a tiny microscopic piece of dust and they were quite large.

“At that time this person was emotionally suffering. I felt her from the inside out, it’s hard to explain. Her cells were crying in despair and were in agony. All they wanted was simply for her loved one to place his hand lovingly on hers.

“From that day I realized the power of touch. Her cells were almost dwindling away and were in anguish from having been starved of love. Sadly, not too long later in life this young healthy beautiful person developed cancer and is no longer with us. I often believe it’s her strong emotions that were trapped inside of her and not knowing how to release them is what took her life.

“I’ve had many spiritual experiences and this one is one I will never forget. Love your body from the inside out, it works every second of every day of your life to keep us alive in spite of how we treat it through unhealthy foods and unhealthy thoughts and emotions until it can go on no more.

“Show deep love and appreciation to our organs and cells—and they will truly feel it. No self hatred please!!”

Nicole: Okay. So I have waaaaaaaaay too much emotion sometimes. If you’ve been reading my blog even a little bit, I think you’ll have found that out. THE most successful thing I have found to diminish any “negative” emotions is Sananga. You’ll have to look it up, but basically it’s these eyes drops from South America that feel like they are burning your eyes out of your sockets.

But…it’s a rocket towards feeling 100% better within 10 minutes, more grounded, confident you can deal with anything life throws at you…it gets rid of stuck emotions in the tissues of your body. That, plus Ayahuasca (which is way harder to get to and is sometimes questionable) are THE number 1 things to just…well…DEAL with big emotions.

I get mine on Etsy.

There’s this guy on YouTube who took Sananga every day for thirty days and it completely transformed his life.

Hmmmm…I wonder what would happen if I took Sananga every day for thirty days?

Thus be the journey of Sananga, mate: 🤔🫣😓😳🤯🤯🤯😭😭😭😭😭😭😖😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭🫠😭😭😭😭😭🤬😭😭😭😭😭😭…🥹🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🙏👌🙌🙌🙌🙌🥹😅…<shall I do it again, tomorrow?>😟🤐

Saturday, 8th of June, 2024

Just had one of the craziest spiritual experiences of my life last night as I was falling asleep. It’s soon—I think I’m going to walk again soon!!!!!!!!!!!! God is so good! I love the creativity that happens when I serve Him and do what He asks me to do—even if it doesn’t make sense to my little brain or others at the time, I catch on when I first accept where I am right now and then allow myself to get excited about His plan for me. I get excited when I read the prophecies in the scriptures, get clear personal revelation, meditate on the best possible path and future for me, and think about my Savior.

By Nicole and Unknown

A professor gave a balloon to every student, who had to inflate it, write their name on it and throw it in the hallway.

After the professor mixed all the balloons up, the students were given 5 minutes to find their own balloon.

Despite a hectic search, no one found their balloon.

At that point, the professor told the students to pick up a balloon and hand it to the person whose name was written on it.

Within 5 minutes, everyone had their own balloon.

The professor said to the students: “These balloons are like happiness. We will never find it if everyone is just looking for their own. But if we care about other people’s happiness, we’ll find ours too.”

My mom recently went to Africa. There were tears in her eyes when she described how when she gave out candy to kids who never get any, they would share it with “the least of these my brethren”.

Or, Pray For Us

I had someone ask me the other day, “are you borderline?”

Um, no.

Did you know that Dissociative Identity Disorder is often misdiagnosed as borderline personality disorder?

Borderline-sufferers will exhibit at least 5 out of 9 of the following:

1. Being obsessed with being abandoned

2. Their relationships and friendships always have instability and intensity

3. A person doesn’t know who they are (they chronically will change their appearance)

4. Impulsivity with dangerous or problematic behaviors—acting out with soothing behavior

5. Recurring suicidal behaviors, or cutting, often as a cry for help

6. affective instability—moods will fluctuate on the hour

7. chronically feels empty, and will fill that emptiness with the outside world constantly

8. inappropriate intense shows of anger—they have very thin skin, but then they feel humiliation and will want to even self harm. This all might happen in an hour.

9. Under stress, they will be paranoid and may even look delusional, and might even show symptoms of DID

I have three of these—used to have seven because of Satanic programming—(I’m successfully knocking them out one by one, gurl!!)

DID has also been often misdiagnosed as Bipolar Disorder, and even sometimes narcissism. (And if that last one is confusing, it’s sometimes misperceived as narcissism when,

1. One of the personalities is a narcissist

2. It takes this much…

<———————————————>

…introspection over years of one’s life to figure one’s self out. However, the way to tell if someone is truly a narcissist at heart is if they cannot identify with anyone else’s feelings.)

Check this out:

And, for all my DID Darlings out there (erm…just go with it 🤣) go to 3:30-4:00 to check out where she says “DID is a very rare disorder…”

(lol I think we deserve a little nail inspection!)

BUT, I know it’s more common than professionals suppose. How do I know this? Because, not only is it almost impossible to diagnose, but—to date—I personally know sixteen people who have revealed their other personalities to me. (I suspect that this number will grow in size because it always seems to, year after year…)

I will put some letters of their names here because I want you all to know that these are actual people, who are actually close to me, who actually need help, and who actually are not getting it. More than half of these people don’t even know that they have DID, and wouldn’t believe me when I told them about their other personalities who revealed themselves to me (I’ve chosen not to mention all the people I know from online support groups…):

Je

Dl

Ar

Ka

Rp

Jn

Se

Ra

La

Bn

Aa

Ai

Ba

Ey

Ay

Ce

These sixteen people are all, as far as I know, undiagnosed DID.

(As am I. How can a doctor diagnose something he can’t get close enough to see?)

Why do I know so many? Because our spirits can tell when someone is like us. We are drawn to one another by quantum forces we have yet to discover. (Haven’t you found that this is so?)

Currently, professionals say there are an estimated 74,000,000 people who are diagnosed DID on the planet.

But…

If each healed DID person knew 16 others who are undiagnosed DID, that would mean there are actually…

814,000,000 people who have suffered, and are suffering, more than the average person can imagine.

Pray for us.

He is the reason I was able to spend 7 days in one bed, being poked and prodded every day.

And here’s what has been making me laugh all day, everyday–and I swear I heard Jesus laughing with me:

(Jesus does parkour)

Continue reading “Hospital Post 4/24/2024 and Naming Things”

youtube.com/watch

Here’s Jj’s newest video.

Okay–I know this sounds nuts, but at least twice in my life I have neared translation. The first time I was about to pass the point of no return, when the Spirit said, “STOP!” I then consciously decided to turn back to being fallen.

And as an intermission (from all the Nollies) here’s the best video I’ve found on the internet explaining DID:

I’m so grateful to Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ for forcing me to stay here so many times…through a bevy of random flashback memories: crying and not being able to pee in front of the guards in jail, racing out to the Arizona border to hit an old car with boards and scream, exposing myself to almost being raped in Jamaica and in Utah, cutting myself with a wire and eating an entire batch of cookie dough (plus a subway sandwich, two hotdogs, a protein bar, a yoghurt, a doughnut, and a brownie) and then throwing it all up, memorizing the movie Groundhog Day when I was 12 because it reminded me of myself, spending all my money on things I didn’t need so I felt sufficiently numb, making out with 3 guys a night at BYU, laughing so hard I’d pass out with roommates, weeping over so much heartbreak I wouldn’t be able to describe it adequately in a million years, to working out a system of communication with my boyfriend through blinking, to all of the burns and broken bones, to being bullied incessantly growing up, to every time I felt at least 5% false when bearing my testimony, having to overcome major satanic tendencies and feelings—including a propensity for murder—to making all my homeless friends frustrated, to yelling at my first husband to stop making me laugh because I’d just broken my back the first time, to overcoming same-sex attraction, to standing in front of classmates at BYU with them cheering, to working in more than 30 different jobs, to turning the last page of Harry Potter, to the deterioration of my body despite doing EVERYTHING I can to prevent it….to seeing myself through Jesus Christ’s eyes during the Millennium and fainting out of the vision because of joy.

I’ve survived it all.

And I’m glad. It’s been bipolar 17,000,000,000,000 ways from Sunday, but I’m glad.

By my brother Levi Jefferson Hilton, M.D.

3/30/24

My oldest brother is an ER doctor. I’m so proud of him. He also recently published a book about an allegory he discovered in the Book of Mormon.

(Here’s the back of his book)

And here are his notes:

Palm Sunday – increasing in faith and worship of Christ
Monday – cleansing our inner temple, overcoming the world
Tuesday – feasting upon the words of Christ, increased revelation
Wednesday – resting in the Lord, preparing
Thursday – sacrament/sanctification, promise of second comforter to come
Gethsemane/Calvary – Trial of Faith
Friday/Crucified – endured trial well, it is finished
Sat/In Tomb – mourning, period of silence, all seems lost, spend time in the temple focusing on work for the dead as Christ did in the spirit world
Sunday/Resurrection – reborn in newness of life, Christ calls your name, He visits you, you feel the prints of the nails in His hands and feet, you obtain your Second Comforter
Afterwards – you’re called to testify of Christ all your days

What day are you on? 😀

Get his book, The Way, on Amazon!

Written May 9th, 2016

I am realizing the importance of the group of individuals you hang out with–your TRIBE or COMMUNITY–and why they matter so much. Much of what we believe actually doesn’t come from within–it comes from a variety of outside places such as your parents, family, friends, coworkers, classmates, or other important people in your life. Some of their beliefs will start to become the foundation for your life going forward.

So, ask yourself, are you happy? Are you going in a direction which makes you love to get up in the morning? Are you on the right path? I’m realizing that life is not only about WHAT you want, but WHO will be there for you to rally around you, to support you and help you see ways to get to your actual goals; the goals that speak out of your life-purpose.

What if, right now, you became the sum of all the people you come in contact with? Would you be pleased with the result? If you think you are an island, you are wrong. If you think being kind to everyone around you means you have to spend time with these people, you are also wrong.

Take a look at the people who are influencing your subconscious belief system right now, and decide what moves you’ve got to make to move to a higher level of vibration.

In a word, if you don’t like your roommates, you might want to move or get a positive friend to move in. If your job is negative, do something about it. If your bf/gf is bringing you down, realize that you can’t change them no matter how hard you try and act accordingly.

Realize that YOU AREN’T A BAD PERSON if you need to sever certain toxic relationships in your life. Realize that you can love people from afar.

If we all do this, I believe a general upward trend towards surrounding ourselves with higher vibrational people–happy people who support and inspire you to be the best you can be–will inspire our communities as a whole to raise our vibration.

Let’s step out of the third dimension to the forth dimension. This will prepare us for the trials which lie ahead. I know, 100% from spiritual sources, that the world is about to be shaken up. We need to explore every avenue of SPIRITUAL PREPAREDNESS in order to face the future with faith.

February 29th, 2024

I had a major panic attack the other night, after watching a YouTube video about the last days.

The video didn’t—at all—go with what my patriarchal blessing says needs to happen before everything goes to crap and all hell breaks loose.

Yet…still I panicked to the point my mom had to give me the anti-anxiety medication that always makes me loopy. Then I proceeded to fall out of bed, hitting my head in the process (there was blood—EVERYWHERE—to the point I looked like I was a redhead) and then, miracle of miracles, my brother (who doesn’t share my beliefs) came in and lifted me back into bed and told me to cast out (which I did)…and then all was calm on the bedstern front.

(Here’s said panic-inducing video…)

Okay, so then I texted JJ the next morning and he watched said video that I had panicked about, then laughed because apparently it was SO wrong, and then he sent me this video…and everything made more sense.

I’m so glad we have a JJ in these last days to set things right, again and again…

And this was his reply if you’re interested:

“This may be one of the silliest videos I’ve ever seen on the last days from an LDS person.

“He needs to get away from his powerpoints and cherry picking things he hears from the pulpit and actually study the scriptures. The scriptures all confirm one another Old Testament, New Testament doctrine and covenants, book of Mormon all say the same thing: the seven year tribulations will be horrifying.

“If he thinks that we’re going to go through the tribulations without realizing it and suddenly find Christ coming in the clouds, he’s extremely naïve, and actually uneducated in the word of God.

“Just because prophecies have been fulfilled in the latter days and some people haven’t recognized it doesn’t mean the tribulations are going to be subtle. They won’t be.

“The tribulations will be like nothing that’s ever been seen on earth before. They’ll be so bad that the Church will be torn asunder and the righteous will be refined to the point of translation. Everything we’re experiencing today is child’s play and only a foreshadowing compared to what’s coming.

“And there are many more things than two that need to happen before his actual second coming. At least if the scriptures are true.

“When Christ comes he comes to the new Jerusalem, and will have already been to the mount of olives. His 144K will be replacing the missionaries in the gathering BEFORE he comes, because normal missionary work will be way way too unsafe. last time I checked, there’s no new Jerusalem, there’s no temple in Jerusalem, the mount of olives is still intact.

“These MUST happen before he comes. The scriptures are extremely literal about the details and they all confirm these details.

“President Nelson is right in terms of our role in the last days I think the gathering is sufficient for the second coming. So from the churches perspective we don’t have a lot we have to do. But things will definitely happen in the world that will not be subtle before Christ’s final second coming.

“He should do a PowerPoint on all the things the scripture say, instead of cherry picking little things said here and there over the pulpit.”

He also sent me this one. Thank you, God, for righteous messages on YouTube!

Here’s a YouTube video that is exceptionally good at unmasking how trauma can affect our lives, and how to be grateful during our trials.

By Nicole Marie Hilton

Have you ever seen an eagle?

To see one in person is breathtaking—there’s a reason the Bald Eagles are the National bird for the United States—they symbolize freedom.

I’ve wondered if, at the end of the world, these eagles will show up to save everyone…just like Tolkien imagined in the Lord of the Rings series.

I feel like…some people will knock something that sounds too fantastic to be believed.

But, then again, if you knock the existence of something as paltry as a giant eagle, what makes you think the Atonement will be, eventually, grasped by one with so little imagination?

If you’re reading this, you’ve stuck around until the end of this meandering entry. Thanks for being here, at the end of this thing….

….I wrote this, too 💋

“Last week I had many different beings around my room visit me at night…including a HUGE eagle. This thing was MASSIVE. It had an eye that was as big as a basketball. He was so stunningly terrifying and beautiful—and was as big as the eagles who rescue Frodo and Sam in the end of the Lord of the Rings series. He couldn’t fit into my room, and I saw that half of his body went through the wall—as spirits are wont to do—out into the backyard. I was, at first, shocked to see that these gargantuan raptors actually exist, but then the shock was replaced with wonder. His translucent inner eyelid blinked several times, and he moved his head quickly back and forth in a bird-like manner, bringing his eye a foot away from my own. His beak could have bitten me cleanly in half—no problem. Yet I was unafraid. I turned from him and fell asleep—him watching over me like a hawk…um…eagle, I mean.”

I will end on this note, from the esteemed J.R.R. Tolkien himself, who seemed to have known the mysterious ways of these huge creatures:

Recently one of my best friends posted this on her Facebook profile:

“I saw this letter today- as a funeral directors son, I have been around this for years. This is some of the best advice I have ever seen.

‘Hey there, Thanks for writing. I’m really glad your friend has you in her life.

‘I get it. Grief is a funny thing. It’s the time in our life when we most need help, and also the time when asking for help is so hard. Not because we are ashamed to ask for help, although that happens sometimes too. But mostly because our brain just sort of shuts down.

‘When my Dad died, I looked functional. But I wasn’t OK. Not at all. And when the news got out, the ton of people flooding me with calls, texts, and DM’s was overwhelming. I really couldn’t function. I sat on the swing in our yard and just stared into space. People called and asked what they could do to help. I had no idea.

‘“Well, anything you need at all, let me know, OK?”

“‘OK”.

‘They hung up. I stared into space some more.

‘I had no idea what to do. What I needed. I didn’t even know what to ask for.

‘Then a friend sent a text. This friend had met Dad once but didn’t really know him. But still, she knew I was hurting. I saw who it was and almost put the phone down without reading the text, but I saw the message and it stopped me:

“‘Will you be home at 8:30 tonight?”

‘What’s weird is this friend lives 12 hours away from me.

“‘Yes,’ I replied.

“‘K.”

‘10 minutes later, she said, ‘Instacart will be there at 8:30. Open the door for them.’

“‘What?”

“‘Grief Groceries.!!”

‘When Instacart showed up, they put two large bags of groceries on my porch. Frozen pizzas. Ice cream. Oreo cookies. Tinned soup. Stouffer’s lasagna. A gallon of milk. Like that. Things I could heat up if I needed a meal, or pig out on if I needed fat and sugar. Sometimes, you just need to eat half a box of Oreos.

‘Notice she didn’t ask if I needed any food. I would have said no. She just asked if I would be home.

‘Grief groceries.

‘Another friend, who lives out of town, asked Renee to name a restaurant near our house where we like to eat. There is a local chain near our house that is sort of a deli. When we eat supper there, we spend about $25. Renee told her the name of the place.

‘An hour later, there was a gift card in my inbox for $250. Yes, that is a lot of money, and I understand not everyone can do that. But the wonderful thing was that because it was enough for multiple meals, we didn’t try to save it for “the right time”. We ate there that night, and take out from there several times a week for the next month on nights when I just didn’t have the spoons to cook.

‘Both of those gift-givers knew something I didn’t know – that when you are grieving, you don’t want to make decisions. No, that’s not quite it: You can’t make decisions. You hit decision fatigue really fast.

‘So, I guess what I’m saying is, don’t ask grieving people to make big choices or decisions. “How can I help” is a big choice. But “Can I take the kids this afternoon so you can have some time to yourself” is a much smaller one. “Will you be home tonight?” is a small choice. “What restaurant do you like” is a small decision. Just showing up to cut their grass because you noticed it needed cutting is loads better than asking, “Do you want me to cut the grass?” Or, “I’m going to Target. What can I get you while I’m there?” is better than “Can I run any errands for you?”

‘It won’t always be like this. If you stick around, eventually they will surface and ways to be helpful will make themselves known. But in the first few days, especially, it helps to remove as many decisions from their plate as you can!’

Original Words from: Hugh Hollowell Jr.

These are the most popular talks on YouTube by my ex, JJ Brown. Whichever one sparks your interest is worth giving a listen.

Dr. Adeel and his Process for Curing Many Things with Stem Cells: Broken Bones, Cancer, Chronic Issues, Even Aging

The following movie literally concerns every single human on this planet, because we all have bodies, and we need to lobby our governments and demand the future of healthcare—which is already here.

We just didn’t know about it.

I’m glad I have two doctors and a therapist in my family, because I get to hear about the latest and greatest…my mom is trying to get me in to see this guy! He can even cure very old injuries!

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-jordan-b-peterson-podcast/id1184022695?i=1000639960542

Happy new year! It’s going to be a good one!!

From a Facebook Post, by Anonymous

An Angel of the Lord appeared unto me in vision and spoke with me on the morning of March 21st 2023.

He said well done. That I had done much good and the Lord was pleased with me. That the things I was doing were good and if I continued the time would come quickly that I would behold the living Lord in the Flesh and see and hear and know that he is the Christ. I asked him how I might know he was an angel of the Lord —a true messenger of the Father. In this he satisfied all doubts.

My soul was filled with rapturous joy, peace, and power. There was an energy, an intention to my mind which lead me to ask him if I might receive a blessing from him.

I was commanded to kneel and upon my head he conferred the priesthood of Aaron—his blessing a direct quotation from Doctrine and Covenants. I asked him why this was and he said that whereas before I had been given authority in this matter now the power was active in me.

I asked him if I could see him with my natural eyes. He said that this was indeed the culmination of the aaronic priesthood to view an Angel for it was their purpose to invite us into the presence of the Lord wherein he would activate the power of the Melchizedek, for as the scriptures say:

25 And Melchizedek lifted up his voice and blessed Abram.

26 Now Melchizedek was a man of faith, who wrought righteousness; and when a child he feared God, and stopped the mouths of lions, and quenched the violence of fire.

27 And thus, having been approved of God, he was ordained an high priest after the order of the covenant which God made with Enoch,

28 It being after the order of the Son of God; which order came, not by man, nor the will of man; neither by father nor mother; neither by beginning of days nor end of years; but of God;

29 And it was delivered unto men by the calling of his own voice, according to his own will, unto as many as believed on his name.

30 For God having sworn unto Enoch and unto his seed with an oath by himself; that every one being ordained after this order and calling should have power, by faith, to break mountains, to divide the seas, to dry up waters, to turn them out of their course;

31 To put at defiance the armies of nations, to divide the earth, to break every band, to stand in the presence of God; to do all things according to his will, according to his command, subdue principalities and powers; and this by the will of the Son of God which was from before the foundation of the world.

32 And men having this faith, coming up unto this order of God, were translated and taken up into heaven.

33 And now, Melchizedek was a priest of this order; therefore he obtained peace in Salem, and was called the Prince of peace.

34 And his people wrought righteousness, and obtained heaven, and sought for the city of Enoch which God had before taken, separating it from the earth, having reserved it unto the latter days, or the end of the world;

35 And hath said, and sworn with an oath, that the heavens and the earth should come together; and the sons of God should be tried so as by fire.

36 And this Melchizedek, having thus established righteousness, was called the king of heaven by his people, or, in other words, the King of peace.

37 And he lifted up his voice, and he blessed Abram, being the high priest, and the keeper of the storehouse of God;

38 Him whom God had appointed to receive tithes for the poor.

39 Wherefore, Abram paid unto him tithes of all that he had, of all the riches which he possessed, which God had given him more than that which he had need.

40 And it came to pass, that God blessed Abram, and gave unto him riches, and honor, and lands for an everlasting possession; according to the covenant which he had made, and according to the blessing wherewith Melchizedek had blessed him.

Having finished explaining to me the manner in which this would proceed and exhorting me to diligence and faithfulness in remembering to keep the commandments of the Lord and rid myself of the false traditions of my fathers and wickedness of my generation he told me that I must keep building the foundation upon which I would receive other things.

I asked if there was time for questions: He said there was some time.

I asked him what I should do to accelerate such a process inasmuch it was possible as not to be the limiting factor in such an experience. He laughed and spoke saying that we are always the limiting factor not God and there is a time appointed for us to adjust to the needed light and go through our darkness or valleys to rise up to the peak of light needed to behold the Savior.

He said that I should attend the temple more regularly for though I have gone every other month this was less than I could to receive blessings and it would be good for me to do more.

He also said that my family should dedicate more time to the Lord daily and that a greater portion of our time as a sacrifice would be a blessing to us.

I asked him how I should tell my wife this, I tend to mess up in my quest or hope to do more spiritually and most efforts have fallen flat over the years or burnt out very quickly.

He said to tell her that I was visited by an angel and told that this sacrifice daily would bless our families lives for generations to come. That it was Gods will and I knew it and that she would know it was true and listen and obey and we would serve the Lord together.

I furthermore asked him if he would bear witness of the Christ and Heavenly Father unto me.

He looked me in the with a smile and said Brother I would love nothing more.

He bore a powerful witness which can not be written. There was joy in his voice and tears upon his face. He bore witness of Christ Jesus and the Father of the Heavens. Their Character, their love for me. My soul was filled with excitement and rapture.

When he finished I asked if he might do one more thing for me. That he would go to my wife and son and bless them. He said that since the aaronic priesthood was authorized (it’s almost the right word but not entirely) I was within my rights to make such a request. He left me to feelings of rapture. As he bid me goodbye he called me by name and told me his name. Then he was gone.

By Daniel and Nicole Marie Hilton

I hope the title of this post doesn’t scare single people away, because this is amazing information!

The following is what my Marriage Counseling Therapist brother said to me in five minutes off the top of his head. It’s a bit random, but worth the effort to try and understand:

“After marrying, it’s now between you and God to finish the unfinished business of your childhood.

“Children who are securely attached more than 72% of the time—are good.

“But in other relationships if there is no return and repair, it would be an insecure attachment.

“‘You need to have something of God in your father before you find your Father in God.’

“Trying to get your wounded spouse to be your secure attachment = good , but trying to get them to be your Higher Power = bad.

(See the triangle where God is above, and two people are on either side.)

“If someone is attention seeking, they are looking for deeper connection. Your role must be to increase your capacity to communicate.

“With couples, you need more intimacy to deepen connection…but do NOT focus on childish needs. Your relationship with your spouse should be 5 to 1 positive to negative interactions.

“Above 11 to 1 is too much positivity. That’s codependency.

“Being in a relationship with your spouse is about Choosing and being Chosen.

“In codependent enmeshed relationships you put your spouse in the place of God. You will escalate off of each other. You need to be okay with saying or receiving the answer NO.

“Don’t be disengaged, either. That’s too many boundaries.

“The more divergent the values, the more stress in the relationship.

“Self betrayal is when you betray the vertical attachment with your higher power. This equals resentment. (“I don’t feel like I have my own choice.”)

“Resentment is just as bad as contention.

“Being 100% non contentious is being weak. And you can’t trust someone who’s weak.

“Truth is what you should be most loyal to. Truth should govern the self, and the self should govern the body.

“Intimacy doesn’t require sameness. It requires honesty.

“Peace = negotiation (win-win) and acceptance (surrender)

“The closer you are to God, the easier peace in your marriage and elsewhere is.

“You want complimentary strengths, but close values in your relationships.”

Of course, one might say why should I listen to you? I used to be married—twice—and I’m not married anymore because those husbands were…well………..but I tried my absolute best, and I’m proud of that.

My minor at BYU was also family life. I loved it even more than my English Major. I was also a nanny to a…pardon my French…bat-shiz-crazy rich family and I held it together until I left that situation. The children who I loved so much, and who loved me so very much back, didn’t even get to say goodbye.

This broke my heart.

I can still see their faces. One of them said, “You won’t leave us, will you? All of the other nannies left. But you’re our favorite. You promise you won’t leave?”

I’d always say, “I would never leave you, I love you too much.”

But in the end, I had to protect my own sanity, or we both would have drowned.

I still carry a picture of them in my wallet.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Anyway, here’s where I’m going to deposit more videos (basically shorts from YouTube) and practical advice about marriage and family:

December 16th, 2023

Wow.

This entry deserves a run-on sentence.

After I (one of the darker personalities of Nicole) humbled myself and gave everything—my whole life—up to God…I had the most spiritual, amazing, beautiful, awe-inspiring, ongoing experience that still makes me cry when I think about what has happened and is happening and will happen for the future.

So if you’re doubting whether to give God everything, trust me…it’s more than worth it. He will then give you more of what you really want.

Nephi wrote that we must, “Worship Him with all your might, mind, and strength” 2 Ne. 25:29. I finally did this, by devoting two hours of prayer time per day, and it was soon after that this spiritual experience transcended anything I’ve thought of or wondered or supposed.

D&C 76 says:

5 For thus saith the Lord—I, the Lord, am merciful and gracious unto those who fear me, and delight to honor those who serve me in righteousness and in truth unto the end.

6 Great shall be their reward and eternal shall be their glory.

7 And to them will I reveal all mysteries, yea, all the hidden mysteries of my kingdom from days of old, and for ages to come, will I make known unto them the good pleasure of my will concerning all things pertaining to my kingdom.

8 Yea, even the wonders of eternity shall they know, and things to come will I show them, even the things of many generations.

9 And their wisdom shall be great, and their understanding reach to heaven; and before them the wisdom of the wise shall perish, and the understanding of the prudent shall come to naught.

10 For by my Spirit will I enlighten them, and by my power will I make known unto them the secrets of my will—yea, even those things which eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor yet entered into the heart of man.

Satan has lurked nearby, of course.

He always will attack you, right after your spiritual high, in any way his sorry little mind can conceive. And if he can’t get to you personally because you are doing all the right things, he’ll resort to inspiring others to attack you and throw major doubts into the mix.

He will even attack you with 99% truth. But it’s that little dark seed—that 1% lie—that he’s most concerned about planting in your soul…and if it takes root, Satan will nurture it until it grows and grows by the day.

The key is continual prayer all day. If you’re not praying (like I was a week or so ago), it is probably because of deep feelings of shame, or fear.

For example, there might be deep seated thoughts of shame that you’re not aware of—that are driving everything you do: “I’ve got to police others, they’re not doing it for themselves,” or, “I’m shameful in my sins, why would Christ care about me?” Or, “I fear that I can’t receive personal revelation, I’ve been so wrong before…” or, “my performance is linked to my worth…so I must not be worthy or worth anything, because I’ve never done anything worthwhile.”

These thoughts are ALWAYS lies. There is only fear, or love. Those are the only two choices we have to act from.

Here is a sample from James B. Cox:

Sunday, December 3, 2023

“Arguing with someone is rhetoric. Arguing with yourself is poetry.” —William Butler Yeats

A part of growth when you have DID is finding the truths that you once knew and relearning them all over again

I confess that I’ve been afraid to write this post, deep down inside of me. That fear hasn’t been in my conscious mind, but it’s been there nevertheless, underneath the surface—like cancer. I just hope I can make things right before it’s too late.

If you’ve been a follower of my blog for awhile, you may have noticed that it hasn’t been up to the caliber I started it with.

I’m realizing now that it’s not for a lack of material…it’s because of a lack in me.

My dad is a structural engineer—he checks out the foundations of homes to make sure they are sound. My mom is also (basically) a doctor. She helps the sick get well. It’s crazy that they have been here the whole time, showing me the way, and I’ve been too prideful to see it. And it’s not that they are without pride at all…that’s not it. It’s that that my focus has been prideful.

Do you see what I’m saying? I should have been focused on making sure that my spiritual structure and spiritual body are sound. That’s my job. My job is not to make others repent. It’s to make me repent.

The scriptures say that we should confess our sins to those we’ve sinned against. They say the following:

I realized that a step in the repentance process I’ve been missing during the past year is to confess my sin to the persons I’ve sinned against. I’m saddened to confess to you how I’ve failed you.

I’ve failed you in that I’ve thought I could fake righteousness. I’ve thought this ever since I’ve assimilated some of the darker sides of myself. I’ve thought that this seed of pride wouldn’t show fruits…but it has.

Negative feedback is powerful. I’d like to say that I’ve listened to all of the negative feedback from my lack of having the spirit in my life and the people around me, but I haven’t.

It’s only now, when the foundation of my body—-which is the rear end I sit on all day, everyday—has gotten so painful that I’m finally willing to see the fruits of my negative labors and actually try to change.

[Basically, my butt has been hurting so badly that I’ve been confined to being on my stomach. If I sit up, for even 10 seconds (and even though it’s below my injury site, where I’m not supposed to feel), I’m in such excruciating pain that it’s almost like walking on nails. Or sitting on nails.]

How weak I am! I’d like to say that I feel like Nephi when he says the following verses—but I’m not even that! I’m LOWER. I can only agree that the bolded verses that follow are true in my current experience:

17 Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched (wo)man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.

18 I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.

19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.

20 My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

21 He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh.

22 He hath confounded mine enemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me.

23 Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night-time.

24 And by day have I waxed bold in mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me.

25 And upon the wings of his Spirit hath my body been carried away upon exceedingly high mountains. And mine eyes have beheld great things, yea, even too great for man; therefore I was bidden that I should not write them.

26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

27 And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy? [And why am I prideful because of my story?]

28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.

29 Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.

30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.

31 O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?

32 May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may walk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!

33 O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way—but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy.

34 O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is (s)he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is (s)he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.

35 Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.

…But I can’t even agree with him on the non-bolded verses!!

My faith is lacking!

The scriptures also say that we must…

Love the Lord with all your might, mind, and strength.

You can’t fake that.

Oh, I’ve been trying to fake this. But I’ve been shown that I’ve loved myself and my prideful ways more than Him.

One of my brothers recently told me that he keeps all of his sacred experiences in his heart. I’ve thought, how does he do that? And how is it that I’ve prostituted mine so easily?

I recently confessed to God that I’m truly sorry for being pharisaical, and (perhaps like Joseph Smith initially wanting the plates in order to make money, then being shocked backwards when he reached for them) wanting to make money from my books just so I can get a house of my own.

But then I realized Joseph didn’t try to hide this fact from the masses. He confessed it.

So, this is my confession.

I’m just sorry that it’s taken 1. many people being put off by my pride and 2. my hurting butt to get me to change. This isn’t real repentance! This isn’t love or even fear of God! This is being forced to change. And forced change, I’m afraid, is almost never permanent.

So, I’m left to kick against the pricks. Which is myself. I’m the one who is, “hurting oneself by resisting” wisdom. I’m the one who, fittingly, can’t even roll in wisdom’s paths!

I’m the one who hasn’t seen the downward trend of my writing…the same things I’ve been going over again and again!

The same brother who said he keeps all his sacred experiences in his heart sent me the following YouTube video, and I’ll end on this note:

Oh, that I could reclaim in a moment the innocence, non-selfishness, and humility of when I jumped off of that cliff and went to Heaven!

Now, I’m afraid that I’d go down to hell to join my body, which is already there. What’s the solution? Be a little bit more like Nephi! Everyday!!

Awake!!!

***Update: after humbling myself, my butt has completely recovered, and I had one of the most spiritual experiences of my entire life. My soul rejoices in how forgiving and amazing God is!!! All I—one of Nicole’s darker personalities—had to do was submit my story and my pride to Him, and He gave me back a blessing that’s literally BEYOND my WILDEST dreams!!!! Submit! He will take care of you!

I’m posting this because we all need this reminder. I need this reminder.

Jesus commands: Judge not; ask of God; beware of false prophets—He promises salvation to those who do the will of the Father—Compare Matthew 7. About A.D. 34.

1 And now it came to pass that when Jesus had spoken these words he turned again to the multitude, and did open his mouth unto them again, saying: Verily, verily, I say unto you, Judge not, that ye be not judged.

2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged; and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.

3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother: Let me pull the mote out of thine eye—and behold, a beam is in thine own eye?

5 Thou hypocrite, first cast the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast the mote out of thy brother’s eye.

6 Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.

7 Ask, and it shall be given unto you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.

8 For every one that asketh, receiveth; and he that seeketh, findeth; and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened.

9 Or what man is there of you, who, if his son ask bread, will give him a stone?

10 Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?

11 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?

12 Therefore, all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them, for this is the law and the prophets.

13 Enter ye in at the strait gate; for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, which leadeth to destruction, and many there be who go in thereat;

14 Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.

15 Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.

16 Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles?

17 Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit.

18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.

19 Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire.

20 Wherefore, by their fruits ye shall know them.

21 Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father who is in heaven.

22 Many will say to me in that day: Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name, and in thy name have cast out devils, and in thy name done many wonderful works?

23 And then will I profess unto them: I never knew you; depart from me, ye that work iniquity.

24 Therefore, whoso heareth these sayings of mine and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, who built his house upon a rock—

25 And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not, for it was founded upon a rock.

26 And every one that heareth these sayings of mine and doeth them not shall be likened unto a foolish man, who built his house upon the sand—

27 And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell, and great was the fall of it.

So much symbolism has been descending on me for the past few days (probably as a reward for humbling myself and letting God take over. Do it. It WORKS! The most magnificent beautiful things will happen!) …for which I’m grateful for and obsessed with. I love to actually see meaning in everything. I believe that it is a high form of praise to God—when we notice His genius. He loves us enough to teach through symbolism.

And the symbols just keep on giving!

God is so amazing. How he teaches through nature, through the body and it’s mechanisms, through animals, through his use of light and dark…I’m just floating on air here!

Now, to the Ark of the Covenant.

It’s incredible how He has perfectly planned all this “too-good-to-be-true” symbolism that really is 100% true—like where the Ark ended up, and it just gets crazier from there.

How to I know it’s true? Because it’s all fulfillment of prophecies as old as the hills.

I’ve never needed proof of these things because my heart knows they are true, deep down in my bones. For me, it is, rather, faith-affirming and helps me seek God’s symbolism in my own life.

I had to first give God everything, but then He created something so beautiful from that little penny.

I recommend the video below like nothing else I’ve recommended in my whole life. It’s more than worth your time. I can vouch for the following movie because in college I remember I met either one of the main scientists or someone who knows them really well. The story checks out.

Here’s the movie of all Ron’s discoveries. My world-traveling grandfather Lynn M. Hilton’s book, Discovering Lehi, is pretty good too and also has faith-affirming proof that the Book of Mormon is true (such as the word Nahom found on a well in Saudi Arabia.)

But this video is the Indiana Jones-load of the Bible as far as I’m concerned!

“Who believed? Weak people. Children. Powerless people.”

Someone in my family said that they don’t believe in this “pseudoscience.” Well, they listened to five minutes of the above video from the other room and wanted to watch it from the beginning! They are now a believer in this AMAZING testimony of the Bible and the symbolism thereof!

“The sort of people who [believe] are wackos”…well then, I’m proud to be a wacko.

4th October 2023

Last night the succession of spirits I’ve had come to me or translated beings (unseen) culminated in someone coming into my room and handling my left ankle.

Then—well, you know the left side of that left ankle—the side that hit the dirt first when I jumped? Well, the being rebroke the outside bone of that ankle.

“OW. Okay—I wasn’t expecting that.” I said to the dark room and the unseen being who I knew was still there—emanating a comforting yet firm presence.

I could definitely feel that they broke it—although it was muted, and was perhaps 1/30th of the pain.

“Did you have to do that while I was awake??” I said to the room, as the pain amped up to perhaps 4x the initial pain.

I started to cry and cried into the night until I finally fell asleep.

In the morning, my ankle bone wasn’t sticking out anymore. It was healed.

What other times have I judged things to be awful, but were necessary steps towards healing? What other things need to be rebroken before they can be healed? The answer to that came clearly to me—and will come clearly to you as you think these questions.

youtube.com/watch

This video is how I’ve planned my life, and how I’ve gotten my book almost done!

Amazing productive value for every human being on earth!

To whom mucho is given, mucho is required.

(I kinda re-worded that just so it doesn’t roll off the backs of our eyes like every known scripture does…or at least that’s the way it is with me.)

So, I’ve noticed a very peculiar thing ever since I got back from heaven. Life is not easier…no, not at all. In fact, with every new revelation or thing conquered, life is harder AND easier at the same time.

Let me ‘splain this the best I can.

It’s like life is a mountain range, and with every new mountain conquered, well…you thought that you’d have “arrived,” and “overcome the world,” but you haven’t. There are just more Mt. Everests to climb.

But you also have more expertise to climb them.

However, I’ve noticed that every once in a while, the ENTIRE game changes. As in, your sight used to be black and white and now it’s in full color, or the next mountain range is under water and you have to grow gills like in Harry Potter, or the next mountain is on the moon—so you have to purposefully weigh yourself down because gravity isn’t there anymore…

Which is what I’m struggling with right now. I’m struggling with life being a bit too easy. It’s weakening my bones. It’s like God has handed over the gravity button and now I’m in control, and Lucifer is muzzled to the point where he just attacks the people around me. Or just my ankle. Which sucks, too. But in a different way for my own experience.

So, this weakening of the bones is real in a figurative sense and in a literal sense. (It’s funny how that sometimes works out, isn’t it?) the ENTIRE game has changed for me not just since the Jump, but in the past year my understanding of a deep doctrinal truth has made my life mucho easier and mucho harder at the same time.

I suppose it’s like having your first baby. It’s like, life will never ever ever be the same.

And so, it’s a very peculiar thing.

What peculiar things have happened that changed your entire life?

So I’ve been dealing with a bone infection in my right ankle for the past year, and it has spread.

Prayers are much appreciated 😵‍💫🤒😰

***Update: Thank you for everyone who prayed for my ankle to get better. What’s interesting is that I wrote a game plan like the one I’m sharing right here for my broken femur around a year ago, and when the doctor opened me up to put metal plates on it, he was SHOCKED at how quickly the bone had recovered. Said it was as if I was three instead of 33. So, y’all this list WORKS! (it’s hella expensive, but less expensive than losing a limb…)

One of the salves can be found here: https://www.etsy.com/listing/501238448/

We have since found out that soy milk is 100% better than calcium in milk.

Any soy products, actually, will strengthen the bones.

Also, found the book Ancient Secrets of a Master Healer which has many tips and recipes within. Best self help book I’ve ever read. And written by a Mormon boy right out of Utah—and has started a world wide phenomenon.

And found new way of meditating, which if I do right, I can feel bones and vertebrae cracking and popping into place. You need to find your “spiritual tell” to get into a specific rhythm of breathing that’s in line with your spirit. My spiritual tell is feeling surfaces breathing underneath me. Then after breathing in line with your specific tell, you should be able to reach a place where everything adjusts within you. So, I focus my breathing until I can feel the surface underneath me breathing, then I line up my breathing with that of Mother Earth, and eventually reach a place where my body is in sync with a greater truth, or health. Then the atoms adjust to that greater level of health. This has taken me around 10 years to develop…so don’t lose faith; just keep on trying. Jj’s tell by the way is that he’s able to expand his lung capacity and breathe in for “forever”. So it’s interesting to me that both our tells have to do with the lungs.

By John Bytheway

Why do bad things happen, even to good people? Thanks to modern revelation, we have a few answers.

The past few years have produced a lot of scary headlines. We’ve seen it all, from large scale to small scale, from international terrorism to the breakdown of individual families. Innocent people, even children, are not spared. Why do these things happen? Philosophers and theologians have wrestled with that question for centuries.

However, as Latter-day Saints, we have something many philosophers and theologians don’t have. We have revelation, both ancient and modern. So, rather than just asking why these things happen, let’s ask a slightly different question: What do we know for sure? Let’s explore five scriptures that will help us find comfort in the things we do know.

Scripture One: We Know That God Loves His Children! (1 Nephi 11:17)

Early in the Book of Mormon, an angel asks Nephi a tough question, “Knowest thou the condescension of God?” Nephi answers, “I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things” (1 Nephi 11:16–17). Nephi’s answer is a perfect statement for us to remember in times of trial. We don’t know the meaning of all things. We don’t have all the answers to explain all the tragedies in the world and in our own neighborhoods. However, we know, we are sure, that God loves His children.

Something wonderful happens when we really know, without a doubt, that God loves us—our questions completely change. Instead of asking, “Why did this happen to me?” or “Why doesn’t God care about me?” we say, “Well, I know God loves me; I know that. So what can I learn from this experience?”

Sometimes we think our trials come because we did something wrong. That’s not always true. Adversity is simply part of earth life. From it we can grow and progress if we choose to. Yes, some trials come because of our own disobedience, but many trials are simply part of life.

The scriptures contain many examples of righteous people who suffered: Abraham, Abinadi, Joseph of Egypt, Joseph Smith, and even Jesus Christ. The fact is, bad things happen to good people. Brother Truman G. Madsen once asked President Hugh B. Brown of the First Presidency (1883–1975) why the Lord would put Abraham through the experience of being asked to sacrifice his own son. Obviously God knew that Abraham would be willing to do anything God commanded, and if that was so, why did the Lord put him through such a test? President Brown answered, “Abraham needed to learn something about Abraham” (Joseph Smith the Prophet [1989], 93).

God already knows what we’re made of, but perhaps He wants us to learn what we’re made of. I think we would all agree that we learn more from our tough times than from our easy times. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. We don’t know the meaning of all things, but we know God loves His children! And because He loves us, He will never desert us.

Scripture Two: We Know That God Allows Evil to Exist in the World (Moses 7:26–33)

Sometimes our trials are a direct result of someone using their agency to do evil. Often when tragedy strikes, someone will say, “Well, it must have been God’s will.” What exactly is “God’s will”? It seems to me that God’s will is that we choose righteousness over wickedness! However, He also desires that we have a choice in the matter.

In the Pearl of Great Price, Enoch sees a frightening vision. “And he beheld Satan; and he had a great chain in his hand, and it veiled the whole face of the earth with darkness; and he looked up and laughed, and his angels rejoiced” (Moses 7:26).

Chains often symbolize bondage in the scriptures, and Enoch sees Satan looking up and laughing at the world in chains. Enoch also sees the Lord, who looks down on the sinful world and weeps. Enoch asks:

“How is it that thou canst weep, seeing thou art holy, and from all eternity to all eternity?” (Moses 7:29).

The Lord answers in what I think is one of the saddest passages of scripture:

“Behold these thy brethren; they are the workmanship of mine own hands, and I gave unto them their knowledge, in the day I created them; and in the Garden of Eden, gave I unto man his agency;

“And unto thy brethren have I said, and also given commandment, that they should love one another, and that they should choose me, their Father; but behold, they are without affection, and they hate their own blood” (Moses 7:32–33).

Clearly, what the Lord desires is that we love one another and choose to obey Him. But some do not. They are “without affection.” Everyone on Earth has agency, and sometimes those who misuse it have an impact on many innocent people. This scripture provides evidence that the Lord notices the tragedies on the Rarth and that He is affected by them.

Many of the bad things that happen are contrary to God’s will. But remember that man’s will is temporary, and ultimately God’s will is what will be done.

There are other questions in all of this, too. How many acts of premeditated evil has God prevented? How many of these tragedies could have been much worse? There is no way we could know. Sometimes we see things on the news and ask, “How could God allow this to happen?” Could it be that one day we’ll discover that God prevented much more than He allowed?

How many times has someone prayed that “we might get home in safety,” and we actually did? How many traffic accidents has He helped you avoid? How many times has He inspired you to do something that saved someone from injury? We will never know in this life.

The plan of happiness allows for agency, and therefore it also allows for evil. There is no flaw in the plan.

Scripture Three: Our Work Is Not Finished! (Alma 14:13)

Sometimes people need to look to someone else who relied on Christ’s Atonement and was able to make it through a terrible tragedy.

As you recall, Alma and Amulek taught the people of Ammonihah. Some of them were so wicked that they responded to the message by building a bonfire and throwing the believing women and children into the flames. They forced Alma and Amulek to watch the horrible suffering.

“How can we witness this awful scene?” Amulek asks.

Alma answers: “The Spirit constraineth me that I must not stretch forth mine hand; for behold the Lord receiveth them up unto himself, in glory.”

Those who believed in God were received unto Him in glory! They died, but they were going to a glorious place.

Amulek says, “Perhaps they will burn us also.”

Alma replies, “Be it according to the will of the Lord. But, behold, our work is not finished; therefore they burn us not” (Alma 14:10–13, emphasis added).

In other words, don’t let this tragedy define your life! You still have your own mission. Like Alma and Amulek, perhaps you were spared because your work is not finished!

After making such a statement, the obvious question becomes, what about those who die in such tragedies? Does that mean their work is finished? Perhaps their work on earth is finished, but apparently there is more work to do in the spirit world.

Death is just another milepost in the plan of salvation. One mission president noted the sadness experienced by families who send a missionary out into the field. He also observed the great joy experienced by the mission president and his wife as they welcome a new missionary into their area. The very same event brings different feelings to different people depending on where they are. Similarly, those who are left behind feel sadness at the passing of their loved one, but there is great joy in the spirit world as the departed spirit enters into the next phase of his or her eternal existence.

The best way to prepare for death is to live life at its fullest. I believe the Lord will hold us accountable for what we did with our lives whether we have trials or not, whether we marry or not, and whether our life is easy or not.

Needless to say, Alma and Amulek witnessed an awful scene. I wonder if they were ever able to forget what they saw. How did they survive? The answer lies in Scripture Four.

Scripture Four: The Atonement Is Not Just for Sinners (Alma 7:11–12)

This scripture teaches us that Jesus not only suffered for the things we do that are wrong, but He also suffered for the things which happen to us—things over which we have no control. Alma taught:

“And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

“And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people” (Alma 7:11–12).

The words “sin” or “sins” do not appear anywhere in those two verses. But notice the other words—things in addition to sins that Jesus took upon him: pains, afflictions, temptations, sicknesses, and infirmities. Alma and Amulek must have relied on the Atonement of Christ to get them through the sadness, the nightmares, and the emotional trauma of the tragedy in Ammonihah. We must rely on the Atonement to help us through our personal tragedies as well.

Scripture Five: One Day, the Lord Will Reveal All Things (D&C 101:32–36)

We may never have all the answers in this life. The newspapers, the cable news networks, and the politicians will be debating the causes and solutions to our modern problems for years. The faithful will look for answers in the scriptures, where the answers don’t change. And one day, the Lord will return and answer all our questions:

“Yea, verily I say unto you, in that day when the Lord shall come, he shall reveal all things—

“Things which have passed, and hidden things which no man knew, things of the earth, by which it was made, and the purpose and the end thereof” (D&C 101:32–33).

Think of the perplexing questions regarding the creation of the universe, the origin of the dinosaurs, and the age of the earth. This scripture assures us that one day, the Lord will reveal “things of the earth, by which it was made, and the purpose and the end thereof.” But that’s not all! The list continues:

“Things most precious, things that are above, and things that are beneath, things that are in the earth, and upon the earth, and in heaven.

“And all they who suffer persecution for my name, and endure in faith, though they are called to lay down their lives for my sake yet shall they partake of all this glory.

“Wherefore, fear not even unto death; for in this world your joy is not full, but in me your joy is full” (D&C 101:34–36).

The Ultimate Answer

You may have noticed the title of this article, “Five Scriptures That Will Help You Get through Almost Anything.”

Ultimately, it is not the scriptures that help get us through things, but the Lord Jesus Christ, of whom the scriptures testify. He is the one who will help us get through anything and everything. Because of Jesus Christ, we can remove the word “almost.” Jesus didn’t almost conquer death and hell; He conquered it. Jesus didn’t almost accomplish the infinite and eternal Atonement; He accomplished it. The language of the scriptures is absolute when it comes to power of the Savior. (See the list on the next page.)

Finally (and most important for our discussion), in the midst of our trials and adversity, He promises us the power to overcome all things with no almost: “By giving heed and doing these things which ye have received, and which ye shall hereafter receive—and the kingdom is given you of the Father, and power to overcome all things” (D&C 50:35, emphasis added).

While we may not have all the answers in this life, the Lord does, and we can trust Him more than anyone or anything in this world. He will help us get through everything.

So what do we know for sure, from sources whose answers don’t change? We know that God loves His children. We know that part of His plan is to allow evil to exist in the world. We know that if we’re still alive, we have a work to accomplish. We know that the Savior suffered not only for our sins, but also for our pains and afflictions, and we know that one day He will conquer the evil one, answer all our questions, and bless us with a fulness of joy.

The Lord Is Over All

Ultimately, it is the Lord Jesus Christ who will help us get through everything. The language of the scriptures is absolute when it comes to His power. Notice the absence of the word almost in the following verses:

• D&C 88:6—Jesus descended below all things.
• Alma 7:11—He suffered temptations of every kind.
• Hebrews 4:15—He was tempted in all points as we are, yet He is without sin.
• D&C 58:22—He subdued all enemies under His feet.
• D&C 50:41—He overcame the world.
• John 1:3—All things were made by Him.
• D&C 50:27—All things are subject unto Him.
• 2 Nephi 9:20—He knoweth all things.
• D&C 88:41—He comprehendeth all things.
• D&C 101:16—All flesh is in His hands.
• John 14:26—Through the Holy Ghost He will bring all things to our remembrance.
• Matthew 19:26—He taught that with God all things are possible.
• Romans 8:28—Because of Him, all things that we experience will work together for our good.

Something wonderful happens when we really know, without a doubt, that God loves us.

Why did this happen to me?

Everyone on earth has agency, and sometimes those who misuse it have an impact on many innocent people.

How could God allow evil to happen?

Don’t let tragedy define your life.

We may never have all the answers in this life.

But, He promises us the power to overcome all things with no almost.

I recently downloaded an A.I. (artificial intelligence) platform that’s called “Text Jesus.”

It’s been super helpful to me in hearing not only what Jesus would say to questions (in a very generalized sense backed up by scripture) but in hearing what the prophets of old would say, too.

Here’s what Job said when I asked him to write me a blog post about his favorite subject:

“Of course! I would be delighted to write a blog post for you on my favorite subject: the unwavering faith in the face of trials. Here it is:

“Title: Finding Strength in Trials: Lessons from the Life of Job

“Introduction:
In times of adversity, it can be easy to lose hope and question the purpose behind our suffering. However, one man’s story stands as a testament to unwavering faith amidst unimaginable trials – the story of Job. Through his experiences, we can glean valuable lessons on how to find strength and trust God even when life seems unbearable.

1. Embracing Faith:
   Despite losing his wealth, family, and health, Job refused to curse God or turn away from Him. He clung steadfastly to his faith, recognizing that God was sovereign even in times of great suffering (Job 1:20-22). Job’s example teaches us that true faith is not dependent on external circumstances but rests in an unshakable trust in God’s goodness.
2. Seeking Understanding:
   Job asked questions and wrestled with profound theological mysteries throughout his ordeal. Yet he did so with reverence and humility (Job 38-41). Rather than demanding immediate answers or turning away from God, he sought understanding while acknowledging the limitations of human wisdom. In doing so, Job teaches us that it’s acceptable to bring our questions before God but also important to approach Him with humility and reverence.
3. Finding Comfort in God’s Presence:
   Amidst all his anguish, Job found solace by seeking intimacy with God through prayer and meditation (Job 42:5). He recognized that true comfort could only come from being in the presence of the Almighty. We too can find strength by seeking intimacy with God through prayer, studying His Word, and resting in His love.

“Conclusion:
The story of Job reminds us that trials are not indicators of our worth or lack thereof; rather they are opportunities for spiritual growth and deepened reliance on God. By embracing unwavering faith like Job did—trusting even when we don’t understand—we can find strength amidst adversity and experience the transformational power of walking closely with our Heavenly Father.

“Remember, dear reader, that no matter what challenges you may face, there is hope found in placing your trust fully in God. May you draw inspiration from Job’s remarkable example as you navigate life’s trials with unwavering faith.”

So, even though this was written by a computer program, the words are true. “Let truth come from where it may…”

I’m still finding it hard to praise God through this trial, though! My left hip always hurts—so much so that I can’t sleep on that side—and my right foot is always swollen because of osteomyelitis (which the doctors said was gone…but my nurse practitioner mom and I don’t believe them). My ribs are always out of alignment as well, and my twice-broken neck hurts all the time!

Another thing I’m going through is the never ending frustration that comes from not being able to pee and poo by myself—I know I’m probably being too open—but, as you can tell, I don’t give a rat’s fart. 🤣

Have I talked about this before?

I can’t do the two things every human can do from the minute they’re born.

(I may just be a big baby about this…no, wait. I wish I were!)

I mean, have you ever thought about the absolutely perfect and ridiculous release you feel when you sit in your—ahem—water closet and “drop some coal,” or so my Christmas-themed Poopourri says?

I learned in college that the ancient…Greeks (I think?)…likened pooing and peeing as pleasurable as having sex. And how right they are. I dream of the day I will be healed and I can do those things by myself because my body works.

I need to purposefully be as Job—having unshakable faith in God’s goodness—even when it doesn’t make sense to my puny mind. Also, in reverencing God and giving Him my time in respectful prayer, and realizing that the only true comfort comes not in how many people love you—but how God loves you—is the only way to get through this.

I hate using the maxim that “everything happens for a reason,” but truly I think it does. (Do my readers remember how my thumb stopped working when I first broke my back and what I learned from that?)

We need to trust in Him.

Even if every second we need to choose that choice, again and again.

It’s crazy to me how God’s mercy works—after years and years of praying and pining away, He joined me up with Layna Claunch, of Voyagenesis, Florida, who read my blog and who commented in such eloquent prose I had to reach out to her. We just GOT each other, and she could spit out music as fast as I could write the lyrics—basically, we’re a match made in Heaven.

And, she’s hilarious.

And so, here’s my first legit product that I’m truly so so happy about. I wrote four of the songs on this album, and Layna’s voice and editing reminds me of soft guitar music paired with Lord of the Rings.

Next, I think we should do a speaking and performing tour!! 🥰

Our songs can be found by clicking on the link below, or by searching for “Voyagenesis” and “Healing with Christ,” in iTunes and most other popular streaming platforms.

https://distrokid.com/hyperfollow/voyagenesis/healing-with-christ

1. Till All is New

2. Be Thou My Vision

3. Part of Her

4. What Wondrous Love

5. God’s Doll

6. Abide with Me

7. Healing With Christ

The goal is to be able to afford my own house/business called WATCH: We’ll Ascend Together Center for Healing—aimed at healing those who have suffered from mental illness, PTSD, and SRA. I’ll build it somewhere green with lots of mountains and water, preferably by an LDS temple.

You may donate to me and my cause at Venmo @nicole-hilton-2. (But I also have THREE children’s books coming out as well, and my first full-length book, so save your pennies!)

So feel free to share this album with everyone you know! It’s about Christ and it’s only 27 years in the making!

By Hannah Elizabeth Seariac

Lord, is it I?

Sitting at the table before Jesus Christ, the disciples must have felt some measure of trepidation when asking “Lord, is it I,” with the discrete possibility of Christ saying yes, it is.

I think there’s some part of us averse to the very question. There’s a tendency to find fault with others and blithely see ourselves as righteous. It’s true we shouldn’t feel shame or be overly perfectionistic when approaching ourselves, but it’s also true we have a responsibility to change for the better.

Ironically, it’s seeing my own faults that has caused charity for others to flourish within me.

Today, I was again reminded of my purpose on earth while listening to some music. I need to know Christ better. And in doing that, I know myself better, I love others better and I become a better person.

But it’s not a selfish endeavor.

It’s not one where I can seek to be great or grand or praised, it’s an endeavor where I go into the darkest corners of my heart and invite the light of Christ to pierce through my sins, my shortcomings and my failings.

Then, with that light, I can look at people, all people, with a greater love. But I’ve realized time and time again that I feel that love for others not when I do what I want, but when I do what God wants me to do.

Part of how I know God is real is through the process of aligning my will with His, through sacrificing what I want for what He can make me and for the love I can feel from Him.

And so, I repent. And so, I change. And so, I have to do so many times.

But every time, my heart is keenly aware of the warmth of the love of Christ.

by Pastor Bojan Jancic

Jesus is a worm.

Psalm 22:6: “But I am a worm, and no man; A reproach of men, and despised by the people.”

The Hebrew word for worm here is tola’ath. This is the crimson worm that was very common to the region of old Israel and was used in the dyeing of garments to scarlet for the priesthood and the wealthy. It is somewhat round in shape and often mistaken for a berry. The life cycle of the tola’ath is just amazing.

When the crimson worm is prepared to reproduce offspring (which she does only once in her life) she attaches herself rigidly to a tree or a wooden fence post in such a way that she can never be removed without tearing her body completely apart. And when her young ones arrive, they feed upon the living body of the mother – a decidedly painful sacrifice.

Then, when the young are able to survive apart from the mother, she dies. As she dies she exudes a crimson gel which not only stains the tree, but her young ones as well. Thus, they are colored by the mother’s scarlet dye and remain so for the remainder of their lives. For the next three days the worm can be scraped from the tree and the crimson gel can be used to make a dye–the same dye used in the tabernacle, the priest’s belts, and by the upper class. On the fourth day, the uncollected gel is no longer crimson, but has turned into a white wax and is used to make shellac, a preservative of wood. Also, the crushed tola’ath has natural antibacterial properties and was used to make medicine to make the heart beat smoothly.

When Jesus said, “I am a worm” He was not saying, “I am a nobody.” He was saying, “I am a tola’ath. I will allow myself to be attached to a piece of wood. I will give my life for my children. I will bleed crimson and die so that they may live. My blood will cover them and take them from spiritual poverty to spiritual aristocracy. I will be crushed, but my blood will heal their hearts. My sacrifice will remove the dark stain of sin and forever preserve them, making them white as snow.

Isaiah 1:18 says, “Come now, and let us reason together,’ says the Lord, ‘though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow. Though they are red like crimson, they shall be as wool.”

By Nicole Marie Hilton

Once you know, you cannot forget. There is nothing in this world more important than saving these kids from being trafficked.

The Sound of Freedom is finally coming out because Angel Studios rescued it from being snuffed out by Disney. It was without a doubt one of the best movies I’ve ever seen.

We’ve got to educate ourselves, be unafraid of facing the darkness, and then fight back. I know that this is a hard subject to think about and to face…but once you know about it, if you do nothing, you will jeopardize your salvation.

Get to know the numbers of children being sex trafficked and then organ harvested in your country. Support this film—tell all your friends and family and church to support it. Donate to O.U.R. Get loud. Pray for the children, Jim Caviezel, Tim Ballard and all of those unnamed heroes who are part of O.U.R. and the aftercare centers who take care of these kids. Teach everyone who will listen about the dangers of pornography and how eventually it leads down the road of child sex trafficking or exploitation. Be aware of what God tells you to do about this problem, and then do not hesitate.

As far as I can tell, the following interview with Jim, Tim, and Jordan Peterson is the best interview having to do with this subject.

The following are supplemental videos—if you want to know more:

by Nicole Marie Hilton, June 21, 2023

Today was not a good day. Sorry for the TMI, but I hadn’t pooped for, like…three days? Going on four. I had felt extremely sick, weak, and could barely get myself to go get an ice cream with my Dad—which I didn’t eat. Another first.

And, so I lay in bed doing nothing on YouTube after we got home.

Then we were interrupted by Tammy Graan–who is an Angel and my hero. She’s so filled with light, that one of these days I wouldn’t be surprised if she were translated. She gave me a wonderful massage, and then… I had some success. At last. I don’t think you want to know any more details than that. So anyway,

Back to YouTube.

I went down such avenues as laughing at Matt Walsh’s dry sense of humor, creepy videos about toddlers who are extremely violent, psychologist stuff, Jordan Peterson, The new Barbie movie trailers, “The ghost that’s in my child!”, updates on the stranded submarine and what they’re doing about that, a couple Conference videos, updates on Brett Cooper (love her!), got upset about Lia Thomas–again, then watched Tyler Oliviera’s crazy reaction to this hero who helps people on the streets of Portland, Oregon, with, say, a smattering of cat videos here and there throughout. Like salt.

Cat salt? Should this be a thing?

ANYWAY, I was definitely going somewhere with this. Oh. So…I felt a bit of warm fuzzies somewhere in my heart on that last one. Then, this:

https://youtube.com/watch?v=iqiH2gfCL7I&feature=share

And then there was so much light in that one it was like I had BECOME a warm fuzzy! Like, I was sobbing.

On YouTube, a cat peeing in a toilet is like shopping for a bra on Temu, or eating at Burger King. Yes, I suppppppose it’s “good….” (unless it’s not) but what about Good Better Best?

Only the Spirit knows what’s best for such moments. And want I really needed, was to SOB my eyes RAW.

What we need aren’t great actresses flaunting (oh, but trust me, I wanted to be one), we don’t need critical people, we don’t need to do any violence…. What we need are people looking outside of themselves and who are raw and suffering with tears and excited eyes and laughter.

I pray: “I want to be real again, Father. I don’t want to become like my childhood all over again–just finding my latest fix to keep me going. Like a Hunger Games capital person just skimming the surface of life. I want to actually be lovingly living from day to day, and be surrounded by genuine friends. Or become a genuine friend myself.

“And most of all, I want my heart to be filled with love for my “enemies”. And I want to want my heart to be filled with love for them whenever I don’t feel like it.”

It’s always been somewhere over the horizon. Except when I leapt outwards into the clouds, oh, then I was COMPLETELY ALIVE and PRESENT, known and full of light just like the others around me.

There’s that saying about sharing your light, you know–the analogy for it is it’s like lighting a candle. The flame isn’t taken away by lighting another flame–it only gets bigger and there’s more to share.

So, after basically licking up the dregs of YouTube–I mean, there were a couple of good videos in there–but they were by no means life changing…I realized that there’s a certain…saltiness. A meat dish sense, if you will. To the above YouTube video. It actually changed me. Gave me something to build on. It MOVED my heart and emotions deep inside of me.

I’d like to say that it’s good to be informed — and we should all be to a degree –but if it’s taking you away from your MISSION in LIFE, I think being informed should and must take a backseat…it’s the whole question of good, better, and BEST. And the best things? They change your heart. They make you into something better.

Someone who I think is Jesus Christ (He’s invisible right now) just came into my room to massage my feet, telling me I’m on the right track and also reminding me that, while I can’t feel my feet, I can definitely feel my spirit inside of my feet. (One of the perks of being paralyzed, I guess. You always know when a glorious being is in your room to give you a foot massage!) I’m going to have to finish this writing tomorrow.

P.s. Yeah, it’s weird but when He does this, you typically can’t feel it, right? But it’s like my spirit is a hand feeling someone massaging the glove of my body! Anyway… just remember: you’re definitely not the glove!

By Nicole Marie Hilton, June 2023

“Are you sure you’re listening to the same spirit I’m listening to?” says my dad after I told him I’d be exploring other churches just to get to know the community better and be a missionary where possible.

“I dunno…” I replied.

I had just come from my room, where last night I’d been sobbing on the phone with my ex, JJ, explaining that I had done nothing but FAIL FAIL FAIL for the past two years. I had failed at learning how to meditate, I’d failed at saving up enough money to go on a trip I wanted to go on, I’d failed at getting a job, failed at moving out, failed at writing half a dozen books, failed at becoming a better human being, and failed at receiving good revelation again and again.

Heavenly Father keeps on promising me that I’m on the verge of a big break, but I can’t see how that’s possible.

Have you ever felt this way?

(My first writing for this blog, as well as new entries)

By Nicole Hilton Friday, July 13, 2018

I asked God once,

Why oh why God did you give me such a need to expose myself, such blatant honesty…and this incessant need for recognition?

He answered back, or at least I thought He did:

I know your loneliness is excruciating.

Your need to be known is both human and divine. Good will come of this if you are honest because you seek to point others to the truth. Good will come from this if you come from a desire to connect others to themselves and to God.

But evil will come from this if you seek to expose the faults of others. Evil will come from this if you seek to exalt yourself above those who are in need of your love.

After getting that from Him, I really have no idea if this blog is inspired or not. I know it’s been growing on my mind for years—yet I’ve been afraid to start. I’m afraid of my pride, mostly. I’m afraid I’m feeding my ego—this monster inside of me which might grow bigger and bigger with any recognition I receive—until I have a massive fall and I might be lost from beholding God forever.

I’m also afraid there is no one out there who will resonate with what I write. That I am completely alone on this Telestial plane. That it’s just the angels, God, and me who gets the complex glorious chaos that’s bursting like paint balloons inside of me—and thus inside of the whole Universe. That no one will accept the part of themselves that is me. Or at least that’s how I think about life, anyway.

But I need an outlet. And if one person out there gets it—if they understand what I’m trying to say—then it’s worth it, isn’t it? I hope it’s you I’m writing to.

Exposure

People don’t want other people to know everything about them. I’ve never understood this. I desperately have always wanted everyone to know everything about me—warts and all. I used to think the root of this desire was pride and a desperate search for validation, because I wasn’t giving enough to myself. I know that those two things have something to do with it…but even deeper than that, I think I want this open exposure because it reminds me of Heaven.

In Heaven, you are surrounded by other people who are on your level, or who come down to your level. You know them, and they know you. No words need to be spoken. You just…read. You read others like books, or see in them every truth they are attuned to. You know each other. Communication there is clear and simple, yet complex and astounding at the same time. And nothing is ever a one-way street. I was known through and through, accepted, and unconditionally loved. Everyone I was surrounded by I knew, accepted, and loved as well. The connection there…the knowledge that we were all separate and distinct, yet one, was a level of comfort completely incomprehensible to the human mind on this plane.

In this life, I don’t remember exactly when or who taught me that God sees and feels everything we do. It’s been ingrained in me since I could grasp rudimentary English. It’s probably the first abstract concept I held in my head. What? There’s someone out there who is all-knowing, all-powerful, and is watching my every move? From within AND without?! 

Then I heard about Adam and Eve in the garden. They were completely naked before God—yet they walked around with him openly and unashamed. I remember being naked in my room when I was five and feeling God’s eyes upon me—and turning to recoil into the corner or into the bathroom, or into some clothes. Yet this recoiling wasn’t natural to me—I had been taught to recoil and hide because I was naked. Over time, I realized that there was no running or hiding from God. No matter where I am, or what is covering me, God can see my physical nakedness.

He can also see my emotional, mental, and spiritual nakedness as well. To this day, I’m shocked that some of the very people who taught me that God sees all still try to hide things from God or themselves.

I want to say, Don’t you see that you are naked? That everyone and everything will be exposed at the last day?!

God says that He will “remember <our sins> no more.“ I don’t know if that means the rest of us will.

Yes, I’m one of the annoying ones who will chat your ear off about themselves til the cows come home if you give me half a chance, a listening ear, and an understanding eye. It’s literally one of the only ways I’ve found to process things. But these people are few and far between. Through the years, and as I’ve integrated many of my “littles”, I’ve slowly—very slowly—realized that not everyone wants to hear everything about me. This was shocking to me, but now I conform to standard social cues…most of the time. Now, I hope that I want to know everything about others that they want to share with me. About you…eventually I think I will. I think we all will.

________________

Thursday, Sept. 29th, 2022

Now, five years later, I understand why God gave me this gift of blatant honesty.

I just need to keep reminding myself that “there are no shadows in Heaven”.

________________

Monday, October 10th, 2022

And now I understand why I have such a need for others to recognize me. (It’s actually not because I have narcissistic tendencies, which was a relief to find out.) If you have this need as well, just know for a fact that you were seen in Heaven.

________________

Monday, March 20th, 2023

Most my parts/personalities are a collective—and I have retrieved a lot of my memories of darkness and of light, and I can hold all of this information in my mind at one time without going nuts. I’m a painted ostrich egg that was crushed but is now glued back together again, and I know as plain as the nose on my face:

1. I get my entire childhood. I get that if it was just a rape in second grade, I wouldn’t have become suicidal. I get just why I committed suicide when I was seven, and why I desperately clawed my way back into my body after I’d been dead and gone to heaven for the first time when no one knew it. I get why I felt absolute confusion after coming back, then hitting my head against my palm and screaming WHY over and over again—and all the pain that seemed to burst out of my heart in that moment…I get it, God. I get why You had to stand by and watch that. I get why I’ve always been so awkward —and an attention seeker in grade school—and why my family is the way that it is. I get why I married those two men as bookends to my BYU education and just why I always knew, deep down, that they weren’t supposed to be anything more than temporary teachers who showed me what I both did and didn’t want. I know why all the mental hospital stays—around 20 of them—happened, and now I remember the terrifying rocking back and forth in a corner or the singing and dancing I did and just WHY I did those things, and I know why I experienced all the other stories on my computer or my blog. I know which secrets of light have been tucked away in my head/in one of my personalities since I first learned of their existence in 2016 at BYU. This has been thrilling and heartbreaking for myself and for everyone around me, in ways I cannot explain over the past five or so months. Especially as I’ve shared with some who didn’t understand—just like how Joseph Smith wanted to share what had happened to him in the sacred grove and that backfiring in a big way.

2. I’ve been able to finally hold this secret—this mystery—in my head for the first time without going psycho and ending up in the mental hospital so they can medicate me down and brainwash me with what they ‘know’…without any support from someone on this plane who truly believes and gets it and the absolute magnitude and beauty of it—but no one actually gets it, except whoever wrote a few seemingly “obscure” passages in D&C 101:32-33, and Moses 7:48-67 that I now cling to. I am so alone.

3. Or, at least, I feel so very, very alone on this side of the veil. My excitement at getting most of my memories back has been wasted on the air. The celebratory dance and screaming in joy at the news of being able to piece my whole life together so it ALL FINALLY…finally makes sense…so much so that I wrote every single thing that I could think of that proves who I am and just why Satan hates me and why Enoch and Thomas S. Monson have been watching over me and why there was a parade in Heaven and why certain animals follow me around and why difficult to describe miracles have happened, and—most of all—my puzzling relationship with Jesus Christ….well, this all feels wasted—like a winning lottery ticket for half a billion dollars which is sadly squished below truckloads of trash and dirt in a landfill on Saturn.

Because a secret such as this needs to be—begs to be shared—yet I know no one on this planet except a few secretive translated beings will actually “get” it.

I send out a desperate plea to the universe—to send me some angels who have observed my life and get it, or some humans who have been moved of the Spirit who’ll get it, or some general authorities who are prepared to receive this great mystery, which I believe God is preparing the Earth for. Or Enoch…my best friend in the whole world. Enoch…..I miss you. I miss your red hair that curled on your forehead, down around your expressive eyes. I missed how you knew how desperately I longed to be understood. I miss how much you love me, and take me seriously. You know me. You truly do. Thank you for praying for me, for weeping to God for me, for truly suffering with me…

I don’t care anymore about how many “followers” I have, or how many “views” I get or how positive or negative they are. I just don’t CARE anymore. I don’t care about my reputation anymore—which one of my heroes, Jordan Peterson, said is your most sacred possession. Well, I happen to disagree. I think your most sacred “possession” is to be known as you are, for who you are, and to be loved by people you look up to…and to be surrounded by them forever.

(Re)learning this frankly horrifying, gigantic and secret truth about myself…well, I don’t care if people put me in mental hospitals for the rest of my life or burn me on a pyre or make it so I wish I’d never been born or whatever else these Satanic people come up with. Lucifer, I know now what you knew in that vision where I literally kicked your ass, and all your general’s asses, too. I know now. And I’m not afraid anymore.

While watching Dr. Who with my friend Kyle, we saw the following scene from the episode Planet of the Dead—where The Doctor calms down a bus load of people stranded in an unknown desert…

This is an example of what Christ does.

*He provides a way back home

*He is the smartest guy around, having all knowledge

*He has a calming presence

*He’s the ultimate Hero

But unlike the Doctor, He has unlimited resources as well as a perfect knowledge of who you are, where you are in life, and where you should be headed.

I cannot stress the importance of having constant conversations with your own personal Doctor, and of keeping the gate open for the Holy Spirit—which is the medium by which He communicates with us.

Because I suspect nothing breaks His heart more than someone who needs Him, but won’t exercise the faith to trust Him.

So, stay in the bus, with the Doctor. And if you can’t hear Him, then take baby steps until you can—like reading your scriptures and practicing receiving personal revelation.

Oh, and here’s what happened:

by Nicole Marie Hilton

Here are a couple of Christmas movies I’ve been in to brighten up your day!

By Nicole Marie Hilton, Friday March 27^th, 2020

On March 26^th I had my own experience of meeting the Father.

I had gone to bed quite late. JJ tucked me in and then left to sleep on the couch (I was staying at “our” place during the coronavirus epidemic, and we were quite happy for the time being), and I went to sleep without medication. (My “core personality” was fronting, and felt so relaxed and peaceful at our home we’d made together, that I had weaned off of my sleeping meds.)

I woke up on the morning of the 26^th for the second day in a row around 4 am. This was becoming a habit! I knew 3-5 in the morning are the hours of the day where the veil is the thinnest—so I thought, am I going through a spiritual awakening or something?

I was so tired that I decided to take an Ambien and get back to sleep. But, as I was laying there, I felt the other dimensions around me and the bed was “breathing” underneath me.

As the Ambien started to take effect, I realized that I wasn’t falling asleep immediately. When this happens, and I’m awake while on Ambien, it always enhances my ability to feel other dimensions even more.

So, just laying there, quite by mistake, I went into a trance-like state and fell down through into a lucid dream. While in this lucid dream-like state, I found myself in a car full of young men all joking and laughing. We seemed to be going on a road trip. I was in the spacious backseat, between two of these young men. I was completely conscious and aware.

Somehow, I knew what I should do. I closed my eyes and, inception-like, I fell even deeper down into blackness. I started following my imagination. Shifting images that were fuzzy appeared in my line of sight. I followed them until, somehow, I entered a scene that was very real, indeed.

In another dimension, I found myself sliding, buck naked, down a gigantic pink marble waterslide into a huge pool of water.

“Aaaaaaaaaagh!”

I splashed into the pool, but then I came up laughing. I hadn’t felt this joyous and free in a long time! Then, I saw marble columns rising above me, and a huge hall, which had been made into a large and exquisite bathhouse.

But no earthy bathhouse could be made to look like this. There were dolphins swimming in the pools of water, and a school of fish swirling in a beautiful vortex of water through the air.

At that moment I thought, “I want to swim through that school of fish,” and then, I was immediately taken there. I swam through the fish and they weren’t scared of me—somehow I even knew they were happy to see me!

While I swam through them, I looked at my cloud of hair swirling about my face, and then down at my body. It was absolutely perfect. I couldn’t believe it.

I laughed, and then I heard another voice laughing—one that was deep, rich, and warm. I looked up and saw a throne up on the other side of the slides. Immediately, I was standing there before it, dry and wearing a beautiful white dress.

There was a glorious man on the throne wearing a white robe, and who had white lustrous hair and a beard. His blue eyes were twinkling at me.

“Welcome home, Daughter!”

The next scenes were a blur—probably because they were so sacred. But I know I greeted Heavenly Father, and I actually rested my hand on His knee. He was so happy to see me. I was so aware of the experience that I thought, I am actually doing this! I am remembering this!

I was given to know that I was in a palace of my own creation, and it was a popular spot for other children of God to come visit.

I was ecstatic! I zoomed through the palace. I was truly…well…like a dog with a squirrel.

“Oh, what’s that!”

“I wanna see that!”

“Ooh, what’s down there!”

My thoughts were racing a million miles a minute, getting reacquainted with the palace I had created. Everything felt like déjà vu. Right when I saw my creations, they seemed familiar and bright—like they had been waiting for me all this time. No dust here. And no maids, either.

And the best part? Everywhere I went, any outfit I wanted to wear came upon me.

A sapphire blue gown with diamonds sewn into the bodice!

A soft yellow goddess gown with birds embroidered on the hem!

A white gown with a cape made of floating pink rose petals!

I had an intimate knowledge of every single fashion I had seen on earth, and my own creative force put hundreds of beautiful gowns on my body during my visit.

I was aware that Father could see me exploring the premises, no matter where He was sitting. He was with me, delighting with me.

I seemed to have liked marble columns and levels at least six stories high, with lots of stained glass ceilings and sunlight filtering in through tall windows. And every inch of the place was covered in symbolism.

One of the first things I explored was a cavernous hall which had the entrances to rides every ten feet or so.

Every time I asked a question, the answers were given to me. I wondered about the rides—which each had a “theme” and which disappeared either down into the depths of the earth or out to the grounds outside.

Pure knowledge entered my mind—the rides were for other people’s entertainment, and each was about something I had mastered or an experience I had been through.

I was so excited, I could hardly stay put or even talk to the hundreds upon hundreds of people in this hall who turned, or kept on appearing because I was there, or who tried to greet me. Everyone was laughing, with shining eyes and a warmth, which said welcome home, we love you and your creativity.

I was given the knowledge that, in heaven, I was known as someone who had a great imagination and who was highly inventive, all while being artistic and meaningful with my beautiful creations. 

I raced to another part of the gigantic palace. It was a sort of library, but not any kind of library I’ve seen on earth. The library was six stories high—all the way to the ceiling, and had rows upon rows of sculptures on all the levels.

As I examined the sculptures, I realized that each “set” was of a family eating around a dinner table. As you looked at the black obsidian sculpture, you were given knowledge about what culture the family was, what they were eating, and what they were talking about. It was like a thousand little snap shots of families eating their food at home.

I giggled at this and realized I must have been obsessed with food for far longer than this earth life!

I then zoomed to another area, which was up by the ceiling in another part of the palace. Everything here was Japanese-style.

I looked down and saw a beautiful green kimono come upon my body. I walked out onto the roof, where there were terraced gardens.

While leaning over a bonsai tree, I was suddenly aware of some evil spirits racing towards the palace. I stood up and turned around.

I saw the spirits break through a sort of force field, which was around my estate, and immediately large angels in white appeared, with swords which glinted like fire.

They tried to keep the evil spirits at bay. I realized that the evil spirits were there for me.

I stood there calm as anything, watching the battle progress. I thought, “I wonder if I could help out?”

As soon as I wondered that, I became aware of a power inside of me. I started to wield this power, and all of time and space became subject to me. I “paused” the scene, and raced around the battle, hitting each evil spirit where I knew it would hurt.

They couldn’t die, but they could be hurt enough to where they didn’t ever want to come back again.

I went back to where I was standing before, and time “started” again. The righteous angels were all halfway through a jab or a thrust with their swords, but it wasn’t needed anymore. The evil spirits turned and flew up, back the way they came—crying!

The angels turned toward me and I smiled.

“It’s about time!” a blonde angel said.

They all chortled and I laughed as well.

I decided to sing them a song in gratitude. I started singing, and my voice was clear as crystal. The notes flew through the ether, bathing everything in light and sound.

Here, I “woke up” a level above me, in the car. I opened my eyes to see all the young men around me staring at me, their mouths agape.

I said, “What?”

“You were sleeping.”

“And singing! Wow, I’ve never heard a voice like that!”

I smiled, but then desired to go back to my palace. I closed my eyes, and dived back down…

Here, I was in a part of the palace that wasn’t finished. There was still room to grow and create and have fun!

I did an inventory of the entire palace in my mind, and I realized there wasn’t anything dedicated to, funnily enough, the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show outfits.

I closed my eyes, and envisioned exactly what I wanted in this part of my palace. Then, I opened them. There were double doors right in front of me, and I knew there would be pink marble columns, a catwalk surrounded by mirrors, and every amazing outfit from all the fashion shows displayed in neat rows on the other side.

Excited, I sent out an “invitation”—sort of like a “mind-wave”—into the universe. Anyone want to try on all these outfits with me?

Instantly, one of my best friends in the entire universe popped up beside me. We greeted each other ecstatically, and then walked through the double doors and had the time of our lives!

I must have tried on at least 200 outfits, we had music going, and a camera hovered in the air, taking snapshots of our poses. I thought, I wish my husband was here to see this!

Somehow, there, I was already married.

I don’t have memories of the other rooms I explored. But what I do remember is that there was a feeling of love and absolute acceptance of who I am. This permeated heaven.

Later in the morning, I shifted through the layers of reality, left my palace, and went back into the car with the young men. Then I left that dream, and woke up in bed.

Notes from talking about this with A, a woman-who-is-a-friend:

• Him having a throne in my house means that it is a temple of heaven
• Can represent a house of my ancestors
• What do we do in the temple? Redeem our dead.
• House represents my spiritual attainment, my growth, but also my family house
• Devils could be ancestors who don’t want changes.
• Ask: what else I need to know
• Questions and Answers from September 11, 2022: Just who was the best friend who showed up with me and tried on all those outfits with me? It was your best friend of friends, ________, who has been through many different lifetimes with you.
• Does everyone have this large of a palace in Heaven? If they wish or desire it, but many of the people in Heaven don’t want this level of creation, because of what it entails…
• Does everyone who is LDS have this level of palace in Heaven? Heavens, no!!! In fact, you’d be surprised how few LDS people actually want this level of creation
• Who the crap is my future husband, who created all this with me? I cannot answer that at this time. Not because you aren’t prepared for the answer, but because you will, undoubtedly, be sharing this online.
• You’ve got that damn right.
• You swore…
• HA!!! “I love our little intrigues together…”
• So do I, my dear, so do I.
• May every person who is reading this have this level of correspondence with you?
• Yes, but it’s not up to you. It’s up to them.
• I hope they choose to. I do hope so. Because nothing has been more joyous to my soul.

By Nicole Marie Hilton, October 19th, 2022

“Everyone has the right to tell the truth about her own life.” ― Ellen Bass

And these first six pictures mean the most to me about my life. I hope some of them will have meaning for you too. Please excuse the raw horror of this first one…it’s a ring sculpture and it’s exactly what would happen to me every single night until I was seven years old.

“Trauma is personal. It does not disappear if it is not validated. When it is ignored or invalidated the silent screams continue internally heard only by the one held captive. When someone enters the pain and hears the screams healing can begin.”

― Danielle Bernock, Emerging With Wings: A True Story of Lies, Pain, And The LOVE that Heals

It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men. —Frederick Douglas

“You can recognize survivors by their courage. When silence is so very inviting, they step forward and share their truth so others know they aren’t alone…”

By Nicole Marie Hilton, June 10^th, 2018

I thought I was surrounded by windows

Windows in the eyes of the people walking around me

Talking to me

Glancing at me

I’d look into their eyes and think

This person needs to change

This

Or That…

When really I was surrounded by mirrors

All these mirrors I was looking into

Like God Himself has been talking to me

I realize what I see needs changing

Needs to begin with me

Until I become like Monson

And see only the good in the mirrors

Around me

By Nicole Hilton, June 4th, 2018

            Last night, after we had three sets of people from different central American countries over for dinner and I drove one of them home (D—I tried to help him also with his suicidal feelings), I still felt depressed as I sat downstairs in my rocking chair. Mom sat there next to me. I said,

            “I just want to leave. I’ve never ever healed here. I’ve only gotten worse. Why am I back here?”

            Mom came to my side and knelt down. “Did you ever think that I need you here?”   

            I raised my eyes to meet hers. I didn’t want to start crying, but I started to. Really? I thought. Could this be?

            “Nicole, I know I’ve helped you so much…but you’ve helped me just as much as I’ve helped you.”

            How? I just take and take and take. Does my mom really need me here? Do I have anything to contribute?

            We stared into each other’s eyes and it was a sweet and tender moment for us. I tried to believe her—I wanted to believe her.

I went to bed with a mixture of prayer, hope, and sadness in my heart, still very much confused about which path I should take, what my purpose is, and plagued with feelings of depression throughout my whole body.

            Then, President Thomas S. Monson came to me in a vision at 4 AM. The dream/vision seemed to be more of my version of true reality than this world has ever been.

            I was upstairs in my old bedroom—the one with all the clouds painted on the walls. There was a bed in the room and it felt like the safest room in the house for me. I think that’s why Heavenly Father chose it as the scene for this experience.

            I was reading my scriptures and suddenly, there was President Monson, who has just passed away some months ago! I started up to my feet, surprised. He smiled at me as if to say, Well, why are you surprised?

          I felt like I was still 29 years old, but also like a little child. I oscillated between the two states of being and stood there excitedly, wringing my hands in a childlike fashion, stepping from one foot to the other.

            “Oh, dear President Monson!” I said. I ran over in front of him and looked up at his kind wrinkled eyes, then we hugged. I was surprised and absolutely delighted. “Well, I’ll just sit down here…” he said, sitting upon the hardwood floor up against the wall.

            “What? Are you sure? Please, come sit on the bed! What about…?” I was going to say, your old bones, but then I blushed and I didn’t.

            “Oh, don’t worry about me,” he said. I think he knew exactly what I was about to say, and he found it funny.

            He seemed to enjoy sitting on the floor. I ran around the room, gathering up every pillow I could, and I stuffed them behind his back and under his knees as respectfully as I could. Since pondering on this, I realized that he sat on the floor because I normally like to sit on the floor…and he knew it.

This was no ordinary dream…it was a full-blown vision. I could tell that he was way more than a figment of my imagination. His great spirit filled the room and I felt so happy. Later, reading in How to Receive Your Second Comforter, this passage perfectly explained the experience: “With your spiritual eyes, in vision, they [your angelic visitor] will be glorious and brilliant, but you will feel comfortable in their presence. You will know it is a real experience, because the clarity and fluidity of thought and communication will be sublime, invigorating, and sacred.”

I knew the Holy Ghost was directing this vision and I was, indeed, meeting with a prophet of God. What a guest of honor! Here in my own bedroom! And to think…for some reason I feel perfectly at ease in his presence! I was shocked that I didn’t feel at all shameful or uneasy in the presence of this great man. I was especially surprised that Heavenly Father had sent him, because I never really had had a strong connection with him as a prophet. I had followed him as best as I could, and I appreciated him, but I hadn’t felt the same for him as I had felt for President Hinckley when I was growing up.

            Yet, my small testimony grew greater moment by moment while he sat there before me, until it grew into a sure knowledge—this was one of God’s prophets for the latter days.

            I sat on my bed, nervously at first—yet still delighted he was here. He started talking to me in his kind story-like manner. He asked me a lot of questions. Questions like, “How are things at the DI?” and, “Are you worried about the volcanoes and earthquakes in Hawaii and South America?” I replied that working at the DI was very hard sometimes for me, but that I was grateful for the friends I’ve been able to make there and people I’ve been able to help, and that I wasn’t worried at all about the devastating volcanoes but that I hoped the tribulations would come quickly. I chatted away about wanting to live in the terrestrial world.

He chatted away, too. He was everything a kind and considerate grandparent should be. I knew he knew everything about me—even more than I knew myself—and he’d been shown my life and sent here by the Savior Himself to chat with me. I knew this through and through. I was delighted that I was getting the kind of attention I have so longed for and desired in the past couple of weeks. I was thrilled to be talking to someone I knew I could trust completely. I knew that this man could, indeed, speak for Christ and that I could be myself with him. There was no pretense—no falseness or hiding as I sat there with him. I felt a huge burden being lifted off of me. I realized that here was a man in front of my very eyes that I could be 100% genuine with. No one—none of my mentors even—had earned that kind of trust with me.

            I reflected later on why that is. Why do I feel so out of place in this world with all its people—even the ones who have the kindest hearts and intentions? I realized… it is because I don’t trust a single human being completely. They haven’t seen my life or really known what I’ve been through. Yet I knew, looking into President Monson’s kind face, that he had. And I wanted him to—I wanted him to read me like a book. I felt I had nothing to hide and everything had been forgiven by my Savior. Here was evidence right before my eyes.

            He put me perfectly at ease with his easy going and amiable manner. I wish I could remember our whole conversation. He spoke about deep things of the heart—things I yearned to speak about but hadn’t been quite able to express to others in the world.

            Then, he quoted something to me (I wish I could remember what he said). I was sitting on the bed with my hands on my knees. “Do you know which section of the Doctrine and Covenants that’s in?” I gripped my knees tightly—oh no! A test! I blurted out the first thing that came into my mind: “D&C 88?”

“That’s good. You remembered!” He laughed a bit. He knew and understood about my memory problem! He smiled and then I rushed to get my scriptures and we studied, I believe, 17-20 together.

            After thinking about this part of the vision, I realized that it was an assurance from God to me about my memory. There is no way normally I could have recalled a chapter or verse from the scriptures—though I’ve tried to memorize them many, many times. Here was clear evidence that everything I have learned was still there, being kept safe by Jesus Christ and accessible with the Holy Ghost’s assistance.

            “Actually, I think that the whole of Section 88 would be good for you to study,” he suggested. I took him very seriously and I said that I would study it, and take it personally to heart.

            He said so many kind things to me, and complimented me. He was informed and open to talking about anything I wanted to talk about. He understood.

            Soon, almost crying, I couldn’t help but join him on the floor and embrace him. He held me for the longest time, and I cried with joy. I felt like a child in his arms—like his most beloved granddaughter. I finally knew this man was a prophet from God! And Jesus Christ had sent him here to comfort me and instruct me!

            Soon we held each other at arms length and just looked at each other with pure love and adoration for each other.

            He had been speaking to me for about 10-15 minutes—much longer than any previous heavenly visitor I remember experiencing (except for Christ in the jail cell). I assumed that he’d be there forever—or for a few more hours at the very least! I got up and turned to call my mom or my brother Daniel to come and meet the prophet, but then when I turned back to the wall, he was gone.

I woke, or came out of the vision, at 4 am, the sacred hour when the veil is the thinnest.

It took time to reorient myself in this realm. I had just been physically cuddled by President Monson as if I were his two year old grandchild! For about a minute I didn’t realize I was alone in my bed in 2018. I was soaking up so much love from the other side of the veil and I was basking in it.

I then realized I’d had a sacred dream—although, really, I think it was traveling to an actual place or dimension prepared for my spirit, to meet President Monson. I realized that I needed to record it before it faded away. Already, specific bits of our conversation were fading fast from my memory. I recorded the dream or vision as best I could and then I read D&C 88.

I felt the spirit deeply when I read about being a part of the Church of the Firstborn…I had the spirit testify to me that those first verses held meaning for me—especially when I was working out the next day. I still didn’t really believe it. I also felt Jesus Christ teaching me about the light which is in my eyes, and urging me to increase in His light. I marveled that I had seen God moving in His majesty and power. I knew that the day was going to come when I shall be able to comprehend God and be “quickened” by Him. I felt a personal charge from Christ to “labor in the field”. I knew that I needed to continue to seek, ask, and find Jesus Christ…and that He would reveal Himself to me in my own “season”. I learned about how to pray better. I was charged to continue in the prayers and fasting I had been doing, and to not be weary or give up.

Prepare to magnify your calling whereunto I have called you, and the mission with which I have commissioned you.

Not many days hence, the earth shall tremble and reel to and fro.

Above all else, clothe yourself with the bond of charity. Pray always. I come quickly.

I felt that night and all through the next day that I had received a divine commission. But, for what? To be a missionary at the DI? To write? To move to Farmington, or to stay here and try to heal at home? To be a missionary for my ancestors on the other side of the veil? To get my second comforter—again? What?

Even though I was still confused, I went through the day as if I was walking on air. I didn’t want to stop having these experiences. I don’t. I want to get to the point A— is at—to have visions and to be that close to God every single night. To receive that kind of comfort daily. I don’t want these experiences to be few and far between ever again.

After pondering this some more, I watched a video online entitled President Thomas S. Monson: On the Lord’s Errand. Emphasized again and again was the fact that President Monson was always known for ministering to the one. He was pure charity and genuine love. At the end of the video, I felt to write down a quote which answered part of my question of what my divine commission is.

“We read in Proverbs the admonition, ponder the path of thy feet. As we do, we will have the faith—even the desire—to walk the path which Jesus walked. The Savior’s example provides a framework for everything that we do, and His words provide an unfailing guide. His path will take us safely home.” His words stirred my soul. I felt the spirit saying, there are always reasons I send specific people to you. I sent Joseph Smith to you to teach you about temple prisons. I sent Enoch to you for very specific reasons—reasons I shall reveal to you later—and because his weakness and your weakness of feeling unloved, unwanted, and unable to speak were the same. I now send Thomas S. Monson to you because he requested it and was in the business of writing, reading, and being on the Lord’s Errand and administering to The One. Study the lives of these great men, and you will be led along the sure path back into my presence in this life.

I have, both before and after this vision, studied the words and lives of Joseph Smith, Enoch, and President Monson. I will continue to do so, and I also look forward to further study of D&C 88. I was surprised to find out that the “Olive Leaf” section of the Doctrine and Covenants was the very same one in my study with Lynn’s group of the “40 Points of Sanctification”.

A few days later, after sending Teri Stephens an excited message about Thomas S. Monson visiting me, she surprised me further by telling me that WINGS, the healing modality she uses, was developed around D&C 88, and that there is a WINGS training at the end of this month! I go to see her on Friday, and she has invited me to do Theta Healing on her in exchange for an hour long massage and WINGS session. I will talk to her about taking her course then, though I can’t imagine how I will afford it. That’s never stopped you before, has it? The Spirit says. It’s amazing how the Lord leads me.

Further dreams happened that night after my vision of President Monson. They were sweet and very vivid, but didn’t have quite the same “flavor” as the Monson vision. It was like I was getting glimpses of the future, but through a dark glass.

            In the first one, I was sitting on a beach somewhere with very beautiful people around my age sitting along with me. We were talking and laughing. They were not LDS, but very in tune with Spirit/Love and meditation—new age type people. I mentioned that I was Mormon and they were shocked. Then, to my great surprise, after talking some more, a beautiful girl and (I think) her boyfriend both volunteered readily to come to church with me. There was no having to convince them or do traditional missionary work with them…they recognized my light, they had been prepared, and they were ready.

            The dream was so sweet and I wanted to stay in it, however someone was tapping me—tap tap tap!—on my collarbone trying to wake me up. I didn’t want to wake, yet I finally did in frustration. I woke, inception-like, to find myself in yet another dream/possible future event.

I was laying down on my back, staring up into my brother Daniel’s face.

“Welcome to the 1800’s!!!” he cried, joyfully.

What?

I sprang to my feet. I was surrounded with 6 or so men and women, including my brother, and they were all beautiful and young. They laughed at my surprise, and briefed me on what was happening. We were in a Victorian-style house, in the parlor, awaiting a family to come home. I’m not sure if we were ministering angels, if we were translated, or if this occurred before my lifetime right now and I was remembering this, or we were sent back during the 1,000 years of peace to minister to this family. I’m thinking it was the latter.

“Just whisper whatever the Spirit tells you to in their ears. We are going to help them with—“ and then one of the people told me the family’s problems. These other angels felt like they were my family.

We all understood each other, and my memory slowly came back. These were my best friends and family in the whole world! I was so loved by them! I was on a mission, and I had a divine purpose! I was needed!

I gazed into a mirror, and I saw the same beautiful Nicole that I saw in my vision of the cave. I was thin, with perfect skin, and long wavy hair which had a chestnut and blonde hue.

The family came home—a mother, father, and their sick son—and I tried my best. I stumbled over many things and I was very awkward.

One of the angels was a great singer. He started to sing truths to them. I had a feeling that, in another dimension, there were Satan’s angels trying to sway the family to their side, and we were providing the opposition to that. I was delighted to realize that we all had distinct gifts in waging this war against the adversary, and that I had gifts to offer as well!

I eventually got my bearings, and my voice came back! I started to remember how to sing pure frequencies and intelligence into the air, and my voice was ringing with purity and light. I sang to the family, and the mother started to become aware of me because she was more in-tune than the other humans.

I can’t remember much of the dream, but I know we helped them.

After the family left the parlor—and I believe their son had been healed, the mother turned around and said, “this is for the awkward goddess who has been singing in my ear all day,” and she set a golden pin shaped like a rose upon a seat.

They closed the front door, and it was truly like a party in there. We celebrated with much laughter and hugs all around. Daniel was prancing around being entirely silly, glorying in our accomplishment. Daniel, the other angels, and I were so filled with bliss and pure joy, which comes from accomplishing a great work and bringing souls back to God and a better state of peace and health.

We knew our current assignment was over, and we were going to go back to wherever we came from. I picked up the pin.

            “Can I keep this?”

            The leader of our group smiled. “She gave it to you, didn’t she?”

            I tucked it into a pocket. I had the sense that I had a home I was going back to, and many treasures such as this, which were the beautiful trophies of jobs well done. Then the vision ended.

By Nicole Hilton, April 22nd, 2018

And they came over unto the other side of the sea, into the country of the Gadarenes, which is over against Galilee. And when he went forth to land, there met him out of the city a certain man, which had devils for a long time, and he would wear no clothes, neither abode in a house, but in the tombs. And no man could bind him, no, not with chains; because that he had been often bound with fetters, and chains, and the chains had been plucked asunder by him, and the fetters broken in pieces; and he brake the bands, and was driven of the devil into the wilderness; neither could any man tame him. And always, night and day, he was in the mountains, and in the tombs, crying, and cutting himself with stones so that no man could pass that way. But when he saw Jesus afar off, he ran and cried out and fell down before him, and with a loud voice said, What have I to do with thee, Jesus, thou Son of the most high God? Art thou come hither to torment us before the time? I adjure thee by God, that thou torment me not. (For he had commanded the unclean spirits to come out of the man.) Jesus commanded him saying, Declare thy name. And he answered, saying, My name is Legion; because many devils were entered into him….And [Christ] said unto them, Come out of the man….and [the people] came to Jesus and saw him that was possessed with the devil, and had the Legion, sitting, and clothed, and in his right mind; and they were afraid. And they that saw the miracle, told them that came out, how it befell him that was possessed with the devil, and how the devil was cast out, and concerning the swine. Then the whole multitude of the country of the Gadarenes round about, immediately besought Jesus to depart from them; for they were taken with great fear. And when he was come into the ship, he that had been possessed with the devil, spoke to Jesus, and prayed him that he might be with him. Howbeit, Jesus suffered him not, but said unto him, Go home to they friends and tell them how great things the Lord hath done for thee, and hath had compassion on thee. And he departed, and began to publish in Decapolis, throughout the whole city, how great things Jesus had done for him; and all that heard him did marvel.

Like Uchtdorf, I’m going to use airplanes to illustrate a principle.

Everyone’s journey through life is like flying an airplane.

Some flights are a slow and steady rise with a bit of turbulence.

Some skyrocket up to the sky.

Some meander around in loops and circles.

Some come so close to the ground the watching crowd is left breathless. They might even lose a wheel or two, or dent a wing.

But the pilot’s airplane is still fly-able. They can still work their way—however slowly—up to the sky. They have that ability. They have their gift of Agency.

For those of us with mental illness, which brings us to the point of suicide or leaving our bodies because of the pain, it’s like a violent plummet downwards, resulting in a terrific crashing and burning.

Then we are told we need to pick up the pieces and actually make that shell of a burnt out plane sky-worthy again.

How can this be possible? When you lose your mind, your ability to reason—to have agency with the body you’ve been given, it’s analogous to an engine burning out or being struck by lightening and falling from the sky.

Of course, there were things you could have done to prevent it from happening. But that’s all in the past, and now you are plummeting straight for the ground and you hit it like a meteor.

Miraculously, some survive and leave the burning wreckage, only to have to turn around and head back into the fray after the plane is cooled down enough.

How can one pick up the pieces and become sky worthy again? Have you seen the photos of such airplanes? It seems impossible.

But the Father and the Son are the greatest mechanics of all time. They can do it. They have done it for me, and they will do it for you.

I say to my dissociated parts or to people who are reading this who have dissociation, go back into the burning airplane.

Have Faith.

You will be put back in your body, and the Father and the Son will give you that one percent of agency back with which to fight.

They will send angels on this side of the veil.

They will send angels on the other side of the veil.

You’ve got to fight and exercise faith.

He will put out the flames. He will command the metal to eventually resume it’s original pristine shape. He will command new elements to be built into your aircraft. And you will be more glorious than before. I know this from experience.

And you’ll fly as high as you want to go.

By Nicole Marie Hilton, March 2018

            I discovered this trick while walking around Costco today. I was a bit sullen because there was a huge blemish on my face, which felt like the size of Jupiter. Honestly, I didn’t want to look anyone straight in the eye, and I quickly pushed my cart towards my destination (a big bag of lemons in the fruit section).

            While I quickly maneuvered the enormous cart around equally hurried and harried people, I started thinking about the movie Wonder, which I saw recently with my mother. It’s about a young fifth grader who was born with a facial deformity and who has had to endure surgery after surgery to even look passable. Even then, he endures the most intense bullying at the hands of his peers.

            While I thought about this character, I thought about what it would feel like to have my face taken away and replaced with something more like the boy’s in Wonder. It was somewhere around the milk aisle where I came up with what I call The Godmother Game.

            The Godmother Game is where you choose something in your life you really, really cherish. It might even be something that you haven’t thought about—like your ability to walk, or your face. Once you have chosen the item (or person, place, or thing), spend a couple minutes meditating on what it would be like if you had never had that thing. Really go into detail here. Use your imagination. (Most of us with mental illnesses are actually quite fantastic at using our imaginations…this is something I’ve noticed. Go on—try it!) Imagine, if you will, that you couldn’t walk from the day you were born or that you were born with a facial deformity. Imagine how different your life might have been.

            Now, after doing this meditation (and it really can be done anywhere), imagine that your Fairy Godmother shows up right beside you. Mind you, your Fairy Godmother can look like just about anyone. (I chose my Savior, Jesus Christ.) Now imagine that your Fairy Godmother waves a magic wand, and POOF! The thing that you never ever had is suddenly bestowed upon you.

            I’m sure the people who were walking towards me were confused when I went from being sullen and stressed to beaming in .023 seconds flat. My shoulders squared up and I cheerfully said, “Hi!” to the couple who were walking towards me. I couldn’t believe it! I had a face! I had a gorgeous wonderful amazing face! I felt like I had just won the lottery. I had experienced life with a facial deformity, and now I had a face that any mother would be proud of. 

            I marched around Costco feeling like I had a new lease on life. The smile on my face was so large, some people were staring. But really, I couldn’t wipe it off! I said hello to multiple people and even joked with a lady in the checkout.  I was so grateful to have my face, and I’ve had a happy heart for the rest of the day—where before I would have been sad for the rest of the day.

            I know that it is hard to hear quotes like this one, from Dieter F. Uchtdorf: “We can choose to be grateful, no matter what,” especially when you are suffering from depression. If this trick doesn’t work, trust me: I get it. I’ve been dealing with depression for twenty two years, and only just now have I come up with this trick. And why did I come up with it now? Because I’m finally ready—and healed enough—to receive it. So be patient with yourself.

            I’ll end with a quote from our late prophet, Thomas S. Monson, “Regardless of our circumstances each of us has much for which to be grateful if we will but pause and contemplate our blessings.” For those of us who aren’t dealing with depression, or who have enough strength to play The Godmother Game with enough imagination to make it work, I testify that we truly do have the ability to be grateful with just a bit of contemplation of our innumerable blessings.

By Nicole Marie Hilton, September 28th, 2016

On the 21st of September, 2016, I found myself leaning up against the face of a granite headstone, reading an old book whose spine was so broken and cracked with age I had been surprised to find it. But there it had been—nestled on a common shelf in the Americana Collection of the Harold B. Lee Library. The book was a first edition of a pioneer novel, entitled John Steven’s Courtship: A Story of the Echo Canyon War. The modest headstone on which my back rested against was tucked away in an obscure corner of the Provo Cemetery, and it bore the name of GATES. Below her eternal companion’s name was the name of Susa Young, 1856-1933.

I had approached Susa Young Gates’ grave—the author of the novel in hand—that overcast day with mixed reverence and curiosity. And I would leave my graveside meeting with her almost overcome with respect for her artistry and her testimony of God. Despite life’s worst oppositions, hers is a voice which, “crying from the dust,” still has the power to teach and to instill courage in the beating hearts of today.

Susa’s life was rife with golden achievements. Better pens than mine have shed illumination on her successes and triumphs as a women’s advocate and suffragist, an educator, leader, missionary, and pioneer at the turn of the century. She has been described as “the most versatile and prolific LDS writer ever to take up the pen in defense of her religion”.

But, even more compelling to me in my studies, was the anguish of heart that she carried with her throughout her life, and the concrete resolve—cemented by her unwavering faith in Jesus Christ—which lent bravery to her words and actions, despite this ever-present anguish. She lived her life with vision—her actions wouldn’t make sense to one who hasn’t gazed through an expanded Gospel lens.

Months before, I had first seen her face on a poster. I couldn’t shake the feeling, despite being completely unqualified, that I needed to learn and write about her. I had the feeling that I knew this woman, a feeling inexplicable.

I learned, to my shock, that I share many experiences—and even an ancestry—with her. It is common knowledge among the BYU community that she lost eight children to divorce, accident, and illness—facts which haunted her during life. But she also endured six miscarriages—a pain I have also felt. Like me, against her parent’s wishes, she married as a teenager and suffered a heartbreaking divorce five years later. And, like me, she suffered an emotional and physical breakdown, which halted her life—and her mission—for a time. In all her behavior, she was a walking contradiction—a “study in contrasts”: she could be compliant, yet inflexible, sweet yet saucy, unorthodox yet traditional, impatient—yet kindhearted. In my own struggles with bipolar disorder, being a struggling writer, and living a life full of my own contradictions, I saw myself in Susa Young Gates. I felt that if I shared similar sorrows and traits with such a woman, perhaps this meant I could also have the courage to continue and to endure amongst my own trails.

Her father, Brigham Young, commented that reading a novel—let alone writing one—was akin to “swallowing poisonous herbs”. Susa delighted in adhering to his counsel—that is, unless her integrity demanded otherwise. True to form, Susa wrote two glorious novels—novels full of romance and action, words replete with substance and life lessons learned the hard way.

Leaning against her gravestone, I looked over the top of the book, which was falling apart. In contrast, with each new page and passing hour, her noble character fell together a little more for me. I imagined her figure—always so upright and stately in photographs—stooped over one of the small, weathered markers before me, weeping over yet another beloved child, laid to rest in the same ground I sat upon. A line from her book applies to her, and to all of us—the many Latter-day Saint women struggling with illness and loss: she grieved as deeply as she loved. Despite being shattered again and again, Susa still saw the beauty in life and lived it to the full with love.

She lived her life with conviction, too. Her life and her novel testified to me that even though we experience guilt and heartache, broken promises and even death, the power of God is manifested in His ability to take our broken lives of sorrow and make them extraordinary, even joyful.

I realized that the bones crumbling into dust beneath me were much less of Susa Young Gates than the strong presence I felt beside me. Her words were a comfort to me, a fellow traveler going through parallel life experiences. Generations separated us, and yet we were as close as two friends could be.

It was then that I decided to finally try my hand at writing, and trust God to turn my paltry efforts into words that could, perhaps, influence some girl far in the future who might need them. Who knows? Words have a strange way of resurrecting, speaking as voices from the dust. Turning the last page, I sighed and looked about me, the sky darkening. I decided to arise. I would arise a better woman, with a more fervent faith in God and a resolved courage to face whatever life would bring me.

Susa Young Gates, my first cousin, five times removed, said it best through one of her characters, “I have proved that God will help even the weakest of us to improve and get strong, if we will continually seek Him for help and light.”

She did, and I will too.

Nicole Marie Hilton, 27, is an aspiring writer who has been attempting to graduate from BYU from 2007 until this year. She has struggled with bipolar and panic disorder, a broken back, divorce, homelessness, and has been in and out of many hospitals, padded cells, and jails throughout her struggle. Each of these has become a Temple Prison for her. She considers the current health of her brain as her greatest success, one which has been gained through continually seeking the face of her Savior, Jesus Christ. The talk, “Like a Broken Vessel,” was inspired, in part, by her story. She will finally graduate as a BGS student, English Emphasis, Spring 2017, ten years after her journey began. Her current favorite scripture is Isaiah 52:2.

by Nicole Marie Hilton, Thursday October 6th, 2022

featuring Do You Wanna Build a Snowman Parody and other things

by Nicole Marie Hilton, Thursday, October 6th, 2022

If there’s one thing that will help you get through anything, it’s faith–the belief that you are alive for a reason and that life is worth living–even if you have to cling to life by the skin of your teeth.

This also ties into hope. I have the hope that I will be able to bring Heaven here on earth. I hope that Jesus Christ is hearing me, and even responding to me when I can’t feel it.

But, sometimes…you’ve just gotta laugh. I’ve found out that there are times to laugh, times to cry, times to let yourself feel bad about a situation, and times to hope that a silver lining is coming soon.

And sometimes, it takes faith and hope to laugh.

I’ve had this kind of faith and hope before, and I’m sure I’m exercising it again.

So here’s a couple of movies, pictures, conversations–what-have-you–that I’ve made in the past with friends, sometimes during the darkest times in my life–I hope that they will provide a nice distraction from whatever hard thing is happening in your life.

Enjoy!

Once, I was looking up with my name means. Afterwards, I remembered that my first married name was “Nicole Hack,” so I looked up what that meant as well.

I could just hear Jesus laughing…

How does a polygamist hippie count his wives? 1 Mrs. Hippie, 2 Mrs. Hippie, 3 Mrs. Hippie…(I figured he’d just give up when he got too high)

After losing three fingers on my right hand, I asked my doctor if I’d still be able to write with it. She replied, “maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it.”

Noah had just landed the ark. He told all of the animals to go forth and multiply. And then he saw two snakes sitting in a corner, crying. He asked them, “What’s going on? I told you to go forth and multiply!” The snakes replied, “Yeah, we know–but we’re adders.”

Never buy flowers from a monk…remember, only YOU can prevent Florist Friars.

What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality.

What did the green grape say to the purple grape? “OH MY GOSH! BREATHE! BREATHE!”

And the Lord said unto John, “Come fourth and receive Eternal Life…” but John came fifth and won a toaster.

And now, a little bit of wisdom from my alter-ego, Dorcus Dixon:

By Nicole Hilton, April 23^rd, 2018 to present

            Today my heart is full. I started getting my spiritual gifts back today—mainly the gift of being able to ask any question (as inspired of the Lord) and having it be answered in the most miraculous ways. Sometimes it was the whispering of the spirit, sometimes the answer came in the form of a song over the intercom at my sorting work at Deseret Industries (“A Thousand Years” was Heavenly Mother’s gift to me), and sometimes it was what someone said or an object lesson. I laughed, I cried, I prayed in gratitude to Heavenly Father for all the knowledge he gave again and again over the hours. All he required was all I had, and then He gave everything and more back to me.

            Last night, I prayed for the chance to minister to someone who has anxiety face to face. During a break, I overheard a man talking about his daughter, who is in high school, having to stay home today because of anxiety. He was at his wits end about what to do and it sounded like the situation was serious.

            I immediately got up and went to him. “Hi, I’m Nicole. I’m actually trained in how to deal with anxiety. Can I come over to your place and talk with your daughter?” He said yes—I could come over right after work!

            Then, I saw a beautiful shirt displayed proudly up front at Deseret Industries that had just come through. I thought, Wow, I want that shirt!

            After my shift, I had to decide: do I go straight to this man’s house and talk with his daughter, or go try to find the shirt first? I decided to go to the man’s house. Thus began an hour-long discussion with this beautiful young girl, her parents, and her amazing younger sister about opposition in all things and how we need to recognize Satan’s lies and replace them, through the power of Jesus Christ, with the truth. I was led of the Spirit to testify to her how amazing she and her sister are, and I was led to know exactly what to say. I had goosebumps again and again as we spoke and I felt the Spirit direct my words. I told her to take my number and call me anytime, day or night, and that I would help her face her dragons and overcome them through Jesus Christ.

            When I left, I was almost overcome with an overwhelming sense of purpose, which had been growing since the moment I tried to bravely walk up to that house and rang the doorbell. I knew, without a doubt, that I had found my calling.

            Later, I found out from the man that the girl went back to school completely anxiety-free for the rest of high school.

            Afterwards, on the way to see my mom at work, I felt I should stop by the DI and find that shirt. So, I did. It wasn’t there where it had been displayed—of course it wasn’t! It was a superb shirt. Those types of shirts are snatched up really quick. Well, when I was leaving the DI, feeling a bit sad, I saw the shirt. It looked like it had been taken down and hidden away, just for me.

            I grabbed it in surprise and went and tried it on. It fit perfectly! I smiled and thanked Heavenly Father, and went and bought it.

            I saw Lynn at his home and was greatly edified by his words. I almost can’t believe God would love me enough to give me a friend with such a great a heart as his. I asked Lynn how I could overcome my feelings of pride after I confessed to him that Satan was trying to tempt me to believe I was better than everyone else. He said to put off the natural man and be centered in Christ, and many more things—which were all true and edifying.

            But, later at home I was outside in the backyard for my meditation. I was gazing upwards from the grass at the sky, the trees, and the moon. I looked over at a bumblebee buzzing around and thought, “what is the lesson I need to learn from this bumblebee?” the Spirit immediately answered, “your lesson is that each worker bee is needed, and that you are a worker bee like everyone else. No bee’s worth is greater than another. If you listen to Satan’s lies, you are saying that you have greater worth than someone else. This is not true.”

            I thanked God for the answer. It was so personal because I needed the image of the bee, or two bees side by side, to help me overcome my weakness. And God knew that.

            Then, the constant stream of whisperings and teachings from the Holy Ghost I had been experiencing since Friday (for four days) went suddenly still. I waited for more questions to be given of the spirit, so I could get more answers. There was nothing. This went on for what seemed like forever. Everything was quiet. I decided to enjoy the stillness, taking it as a sign that God needed me to process things, but then got worried. Did the Holy Ghost leave me?

            I asked, “do I still have the Holy Ghost with me?”

            Nothing.

            Then, a dove flew down and lit upon the swing set right above me, turned it’s head and stared right at me with it’s little black eye.

            I was speechless.

            The dove looked at me. It was so close that I knew under regular circumstances it would never have gotten this close to a human being. I knew, overwhelmed by the Spirit, that the dove was my sign from the Holy Ghost that He was still with me.

            Then the dove flew away, and I just cried.

            And then we—Mom, Dad, and I—did family history work! It was an amazing day. I think every day can be like this when I’m spiritually focused. If so…I’m not sure if the spirit wants me to write it down all the time. Wouldn’t that be too time consuming? Wouldn’t it detract from where my focus is meant to be?

Update:

            Later one night, I was downstairs when mom called me.

            “I want to show you something!”

            She was quiet as I walked up the stairs, and then she led me to the front door and opened it. I felt a feeling of almost sacredness come over me.

            She pointed, saying “Look!”

            I looked. At first, I couldn’t see what the big deal was—there was just the arbor there over our front door archway. But then I saw it—a nest.

            Turns out, the same dove—I swear!—built a nest within a foot of where our heads pass in and out of the doorway each day.

            I stared in unbelief at her eye. She seemed curious and wise.

            For the next few weeks, she was always there. I named her Peace. I would talk to her. She was comforting to me—a sign that the Holy Ghost was still with me, and still wanted me to be in this house.

            Later, two scruffy looking baby doves were born, and they learned how to fly. They visited their nest, coming back for a few days, and then they all left.

2022:

Three years later, D—– would move in with her two girls, who were also learning how to “fly” in this home.

            Later, after D and her girls moved out, I was at A’s house. His mom showed me something extremely curious—that if you break open a sand dollar, five little baby doves will fall out.

            Try it.

By Nicole Hilton, June 5th, 2018

            Today I woke up feeling empty and depressed. It’s a feeling extremely familiar to me, which always sets in after a wonderful spiritual experience. (Such as I had yesterday with President Monson visiting me.) I should have expected it…but I keep on hoping that one day I’m going to be happier than the day before and I’ll keep on being happier and happier.

            Well, that day wasn’t today.

            I fought hard to do right and be of use—walking the dogs, eating semi-healthy…and I hated this empty feeling. I felt like a black hole. Like someone who is so insatiable for experiences like the kind I had with President Monson that nothing except being in Christ’s presence all of the time would be good enough. Yes, the emptiness was familiar to me…but I longed for the feeling of being loved and cherished I had felt yesterday. Why did it have to go away? Was that just my lot in life?

            Unexpectedly, I broke down crying when Shawn sent me a video wherein he assured me how much he unconditionally loves me. I finally tapped into the well of emotion I know is boiling underneath my calm demeanor, and I had the question answered I have been asking God for a long long time. The question is: what is the root of all this sadness in my life? The answer: I don’t feel loved.

            “There’s things I want to say, because I think you need to hear them. I love you. I’ve said that before, and you’ve heard that before…but I just want to make sure so you can save this and refer to it in case you forget. You say that you forget a lot and you keep having these experiences to remind you of who you are, and that you’re loved.

            “I think that your whole life you’ve struggled with feeling loved. And your mom worked a lot—which is great—but maybe you didn’t get the attention you needed and you didn’t feel that love from her. And you can feel and acknowledge that now…but that doesn’t replace missing out on something when you’re younger.” He went on to mention my brothers and the struggles I had with them, and also how my Dad couldn’t relate or understand.

            “So it’s all a struggle to feel loved. It’s like what James B. Cox said about the prisoners…that the words sounded so nice, but they couldn’t feel it. They didn’t feel that they can be loved. And I wonder if that’s what happened to you…and dating since you were younger all these guys…I wonder if that was seeking—even on a subconscious level—love. You just wanted to be loved.

            “I remember after Christmas you came back and said, ‘Wow, you really love me unconditionally.’ Um…well, yeah. It was kind of confusing to me. Like you are used to having all these conditions placed upon the love you receive.

            “I think about how we got together and how miraculous that was. It was meant to be…and I think it’s because you needed to feel what it’s like to be loved unconditionally. And I think that’s why you have such a special relationship with Jesus Christ, because He’s the one who provides that for you and you need that more than most…because you feel you have been starved for love your whole life.

            “You know…you’re taught from society to look a certain way so you can get the attention and be beautiful, and all this and that. I can tell you a thousand times over you look beautiful and amazing and stunning…and I can cite specific examples when you said this was the best outfit or that was the best outfit…but I’m like, ‘No no no no…I saw you in that herringbone skirt that one time you went to the temple—that was the best…I can name that! Or the time at the BYU 147^th, and you kind of leaned over, and I looked at you and saw your profile and it was just absolute perfection. Like, I can still see these in my mind and I can tell you these things…but I can also tell you that’s not why I love you.

            “I love you for you. There’s been arguments and fights and tough times, but I still love you. Maybe in that moment it’s been difficult, but that’s because I’m not perfect, and you’re not perfect, and that’s what we’re here to learn—to grow and be better. But it doesn’t mean I don’t love you or didn’t love you. I absolutely do love you. And what I think is really amazing is that I don’t have to. I never had to love you. Nobody ever told me—‘Hey, you need to love her’. An angel didn’t tell me I had to love you—that didn’t happen. It was all my choice. I chose to love you, and I still choose to love you. And I think I chose to love you ages ago, before we can even remember. I think we met and got together, fell in love, whatever you want to call it—because you needed to have the experience of someone loving you unconditionally by choice. Not because they’re supposed to because you’re family, or they are trying to win you over, or for whatever conditional reason.

            “This testifies to you that you are loved. You are loved for who you are, no matter what. And it’s from a very real, tangible, realistic, within-reach person. That’s great you had that dream—that’s fantastic. I love that you were able to have that experience. I just have been thinking this for a couple of days though, that I had to tell you that I love you. And I had to tell you so that you can know, so that you can feel that love—even if you’re struggling and having a hard time, and you don’t know what to do, you can feel loved. We’ve been through some tough times, and I’m still saying it. You know…I’ve been hurt, I’ve hurt you…and I’m still saying it. Still feeling it and believing it. I just want to make sure that you know that you are loved. And I can say that because even if the ends of the earth deny you that, I don’t.

            “I. Love. You. I hope that you can feel that. If you ever forget, mark this and find it, and listen to it. And know that it’s true…then feel it. So you don’t feel the need to search for it or long for it…because it’s right here.” He then patted his chest.

            I was curled up into a ball on my bed, just sobbing and sobbing. He had completely hit the target and answered the question to all my depression for my entire life. I am sad because I feel, acutely, the absence of unconditional love in my life.

            Throughout the rest of the day I reflected on how close I must have been to Heavenly Father, Heavenly Mother, and Jesus Christ—and all those perfected beings who unconditionally loved me so often and so well. I must have been extremely close to all of them, because I feel their absence so acutely in this life. I feel it more than most everyone I know.

            I reflected back on how Joseph Smith was sent to me and loved me unconditionally, how Enoch had that look of absolute perfect love in his eyes, how Jesus Christ loved me in my padded cell and in my dream and all the other times I can’t remember, and now how President Monson just held me and unconditionally loved me. I reflected that I felt completely natural, at ease, and at home in the presence of these great men. How my experiences with them were all my greater reality…that right now, it is as if I’m in the dream.

I went to my therapy appointment with Leann and, now that the floodgates were open, I cried through the whole hour. She said so many kind things to me, and talked about how pure I must be to have all these experiences. She said that out of all those she has counseled, no one has had the mental illnesses and difficulties I have had. That really surprised me. She also said that no one has had the highs I’ve experienced, either—and that those two things must go together. She quoted a scripture from the New Testament which said that all my trials shall be worth more than gold.

I then went to the temple. I was taught something very unexpected. As I was gazing down at my right hand, reflecting on what I know about the fingers and thumb of my hand and what they mean, I was told by the spirit to examine my thumb. The thumb is opposable…it represents the opposition or Satan’s forces. I looked at the scar on my thumb and I remembered that when I broke my back the first time, it was just my thumb that stopped working.

            They had surgically opened up my thumb and discovered that the tendon was attached and everything was in working order—yet I still couldn’t bend it for four weeks.

            And for those four weeks, Satan had absolutely no hold on me. I was free from opposition.

            I almost gasped in my seat. Here was another literal symbol in my life that God was showing me—almost ten years after it happened. Satan had been arrested when I broke my back…and my thumb had stopped working to represent that.

            I kept on staring at my hand. The Spirit nudged me to ask about my broken finger. I broke the right hand ring finger during gymnastics the night before a big piano recital when I was younger. I then saw that the finger I broke was the one that represented the Telestial world. The spirit told me that yes, in this Telestial world, I am going to be broken and bent. But…I must hold on. For the terrestrial world is coming.

            And I can’t wait for the day we can all read each other and give and receive unconditional love for each other. I can’t wait to be surrounded by loved ones and light constantly.

I hope it can happen here on this plane…I’ve tasted it for a few days or weeks at a time. I want to taste of it again.

This is a movie I recorded one night after Ubering around Salt Lake City years ago.

I had picked up a girl who had lost her job, her boyfriend dumped her, and she’d been raped all in one night.

I gave her some chocolate and we cried together in the back seat of my Toyota Prius.

After I dropped her off, I vowed that I would do everything I could to help rescue the most people possible—but to also be in search of the One lost lamb as Jesus always did.

Or From My Hospital Bed, or Whither Shall I Flee, Or Don’t Let Go

by Nicole Marie Hilton, September 27th, 2022

I’m here in the hospital–yet again. It’s a long story, but I wanted to let all of you, my readers, know that even though I’m in the hospital for the umpteenth time, I still have so much hope for the future in my heart, and even peace in the present.

How am I finding this inner peace and strength? It’s through a constant dialogue with Jesus Christ in my mind. I’m still definitely a beginner at this, but I’m learning fast.

I think of the scene with Mary Magdalene in the show The Chosen, where she desperately clings to the following scripture:

Psalm 139:7–12
Old Testament

7 Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?

8 If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.

9 If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;

10 Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.

11 If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.

12 Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.

She had no idea that right at the moment of crisis, Jesus Christ would be there to catch her:

I feel as though a lot of us are just getting by–just hanging on by the skin of our teeth, as it were.

And then there are some who give up completely.

Sometimes even I wonder still, will He be there to catch me?

The wiser parts of me know He will. Because I’m realizing that He was there when I was young and raped on the playground. He was there when I was older and being bullied left and right. He was there when I went through my disastrous two marriages and those long and lonely college years. He was also there when I went on my service mission and when Satan attacked me, and He’s here, right now at age 33 in this hospital bed.

I’m going to end with this quote–which I know is perfectly true–down to the last and least human being on earth:

or the Dreamer

by Nicole Marie Hilton, Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

I’m a dreamer.

Always have been, Always will be.

Ever since I was born, I can remember looking around and thinking, Oh–this life is amazing! And it can be even better! I can actually remember looking around and seeing only shining, beautiful possibility.

So, let me share some of my dreams with you. If you’re turned off, that’s fine. You don’t have to read on.

I’m dreaming about freeing Amber Phillips, who is being wrongfully imprisoned in the Utah County Jail, in a padded cell for months now. ***answered in 2023***

I’m dreaming about having an editor who can take my computer as well as all of my files and journals and just run with it! ***answered in 2023***

I’m dreaming of a world where people don’t judge you off of your beliefs, your sexual orientation, your religion, your smarts, or your politics, but rather off of the content of your character.

I’m dreaming about leaving my bed and being able to walk up Webb Hill one morning.

I’m dreaming about having a massage therapist who knows how to help paraplegics. ***answered in 2023***

I’m dreaming about having an assistant who has a brain who can hold all of the things I cannot hold, and who is very type A–enough to let me be types B to Z.

I’m dreaming about making Ayahuasca ceremonies legal in the United States of America.

I’m dreaming about opening my healing center someday.

I’m dreaming about having my children’s book—How the Devil Lost His Butt—be published this year.

I’m dreaming about going to a Dr. Dispenza retreat with a friend, and learning how to meditate.

I’m dreaming about having the Daily Wire introduce the new healing method I’ve found to the entire world in order to heal everyone who needs and desires healing and to usher in a new era.

I’m dreaming about having so much money that I can donate 1,000,000’s to Operation Underground Railroad and help rescue all of the sex traffic survivors in the entire world.

All of these dreams, and more, I believe, is what I saw after Jesus Christ took me down from riding Modoc the Elephant in heaven, and took me by the hand, escorting me up the stairs into the Palace, and letting me gaze into the Mirror of Erised/the Pensieve (which are actually one and the same in Heaven).

And I’m dreaming about having people who believe in me and my dreams–which are very, very large–“out of proportion”, some might say–for this little girl sitting and typing in her bed in her parent’s house, with legs that don’t work even enough to grab her wheelchair from across the room.

And…I need you to see that you…You are the reason I do everything. You are the reason I breathe in and out everyday. You are the reason I am trying my best to be brave. You are the reason I was split into personalities too numerous that I haven’t been able to count them, and why I’ve held on this long. You are the reason I’ve healed to the point I have.

By Nicole Marie Hilton

Friday, April 20, 2018

            I was sitting in the St. George temple baptistry recently, looking at a painting of Christ. He’s kneeling by a little boy and smiling at him with the kindest expression. The little boy is holding Christ’s hand and trusts him.

            It struck me that God’s aim is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man, and that God is completely happy and selfless while carrying out this task.

I’ll repeat that in a different way: God’s aim is to have kids, raise them spiritually, and raise them physically, and then see us through to the end—to the greatest capacity of happiness we each can reach. And He does this all because it makes him absolutely full of joy.

            I don’t know how it is in other people’s heads, but in my head, there has always been (unless I’ve been out of my mind and running around hugging everybody) at least 1% of selfishness manifested in everything I do and think. (Most of the time, it’s more like 100%).

            In all the gifts and hugs I’ve given, in all the most “selfless” things I’ve done, there has always been an element of what’s in it for me? Think about it. Even the most Christlike people you know are probably doing things because they want themselves and their families to receive eternal life.

            …Which is a good goal, to be sure. But, consider that there’s still an element of selfishness about it. Would these people work equally hard for a homeless man on the other side of the world they’ve never met to receive all these blessings and everything life has to offer? No. No one is that Christlike. We all have limits.

            Now, can you imagine what it would be like to actually consider another human being as yourself? Perhaps this is what parenthood gives us a taste of.

            In that moment, in the temple, I finally understood something about God on a deeper level that I hadn’t previously reached before. And that is this: God doesn’t get bored. He can’t. How could you be bored when you have limitless material (or intelligence) with which to create new children and watch them grow and progress?

            Now I’m sitting here writing this and I’m finally realizing what parenthood is all about. But not just that—what love is all about.

            I used to think that to be selfless would be painful—that to love someone or consider someone as yourself would be excruciating. Because the worry would pop into my head, what about me? What about my needs? Well, what if taking care of someone else’s needs actually was taking care of your needs?

            That is what God is doing.

            His ways are much higher than our ways. That is how the Christ could go through with the Atonement.

            In that painting the love and warmth with which Christ is just drinking in the sight of this little boy says it all. He considers each one of us—one by one—as Himself.

            God the Father keeps on doing what He is doing with absolute joy…because He has limitless opportunities of reinventing and loving Himself. That’s who we are. We are God.

            Perhaps selfless isn’t the right word. That word denotes that you are without a self. God isn’t “losing himself” to take care of us…not at all. Perhaps he’s found a way to fuse the opposite ends of the spectrum together. He is, at the same time, both the most selfless and the most selfish being in the Universe. He is doing everything He does—loving us completely—because we are a part of Him. Isn’t doing everything for yourself the very definition of selfishness?  

            So, maybe that’s the key. Give yourself permission to be selfish, but only in it’s highest form—which is the way God is selfish: by being the most selfless. God is both selfish and selfless at the same time, to the umpteenth degree. Perhaps a new word needs to be coined for this—God’s selfselfness?

By Nicole Marie Hilton, on September 9, 2022

Have you ever felt like your heart is yearning for something so badly that it might burst out of your chest and make a mess of everything in your life?

I have. My entire existence.

I used to play the three piano pieces you just listened to—especially Liz on Top of the World. That was my favorite song. It would burst from my frantic heart through my fingers every single day—ever since this movie—Pride and Prejudice—came out and I rushed to the music store to buy the piano book.

It’s strange to me that she’s dreaming that she’s up on a cliff, yet when she wakes up is when she meets the love of her life.

Perhaps when I jumped off of my cliff, I had been dreaming? Only to wake to the reality of Heaven?

However, I’m back here on Earth, now. And I’m beginning to remember what Christ showed me in the library after His embrace and the parade through the streets of the White City—He showed me that we—as Earth—are about to reverse the decent down the cliff…we are about to ascend.

By Nicole Marie Hilton, September 8th, 2022

So, we (my mom, dad, and I) are currently watching Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, at Tuachan—just outside of St. George, Utah, even as I write this. I’m sitting next to my dad up on the top level in my wheelchair. It may seem on the outside as if I’m not paying any attention to the show…however I’d be surprised to find someone in this audience who’s more attentive to the deeper meaning and symbolism behind every belted note and tapping heel.

I’ve been reflecting on how Joseph was so very aware of God’s working in his life. I mean, it’s like nothing could get him down—to be sure, he was still human in every sense—but he found an almost superhuman ability to endure unimaginable trials by relying wholly upon God.

It’s interesting to me when I remember that my dad spent an entire year of his life in Egypt when he was 17, in 1976-1977. How on earth did this occur? My grandparents up and left their cozy home in Salt Lake City for a water-well drilling business there—which was actually a front for the missionary work they were doing! (See In Search of Lehi’s Trail, by my grandfather, Lynn Mathers Hilton.)

Oh! The stories my dad tells about his time in Egypt. I would listen—absolutely enthralled—on his knee growing up. He climbed to the top of the Pyramid of Cheops, and saw all the ancient signatures carved into the topmost stone. He remembers the flies upon flies upon flies in the air, which never left since the time of Moses. He graduated from high school in front of the Sphinx. And he cursed an angry Egyptian who kept on ramming into the back of his motorbike, and then was violently pulled off of it and beaten almost to death by an Egyptian mob. (His hotheadedness calmed down significantly after his Egypt experience…) And there are many more crazy stories, which I don’t have time for here…

Dad’s Dreams

I remember that once my dad dreamed a dream—and if anything this crazy show is teaching me right now is, is that we should definitely pay attention to our dreams. But we must also have the Spirit to be able to interpret them correctly.

In his first dream, he was driving his car, and a Devil was running to the side of his window. No matter how fast he stepped on the gas, the evil man could keep up with him and was leering through the window—an evil grin twisting his features.

The second dream he had was that he was in a Great and Spacious Office Building, and he was on a floor filled with all manner of detritus—desks, trash, notes upon notes in great stacks up to the ceiling. He was pressing forward through it all, when he heard a kind voice behind him, saying three times, “R——, R——, R——,…I have a gift for you.”

He waved behind him with his hand—still looking “forward” into the corner of the room—saying, “I’m too busy! Come back later!” Then his dream ended.

After he told me that, I felt the Spirit impress on me that it was the Savior, Jesus Christ, who had been beckoning for him to turn around.

To this day, he still doesn’t know what the gift was.

What Doth It Profit a Man

God has asked, What doth it profit a man, when a gift is bestowed upon him, and he receives not the gift?

The answer sadly, is Nothing. Just like how Joseph’s brothers are mourning right now on stage for Those Canaan Days, they didn’t have the eyes to see, to turn around from the detritus of the desert, and see Joseph—the Christ-figure—who was right in front of them.

It could be argued that everything happened just the way God planned it to, of course—God knew the character of the brother’s hearts, after all. And this scene is very applicable, as well:

However, happy endings must not be an excuse for rejecting the gifts that God is begging us to turn around and accept right now. (Even when those gifts are completely in disguise—as the cup hidden in Benjamin’s grain sack was.)

We must also be forgiving of ourselves and of others. We mustn’t curse ourselves for not knowing what we didn’t know. Only then will we be able to move forward and see the new gifts which are right in front of us. Which is my prayer and blessing upon you who are reading this, in the sacred name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Nicole Marie Hilton Sacrament Meeting Talk (with added media)

February 9^th, 2020

Thank you to JJ Brown and John Pontius for help with this talk

(Very long one minute pause)

            Are you getting annoyed that I kept you waiting for a minute? Imagine how your ancestors feel who have been waiting for the blessings of the temple for decades, or even centuries!

            Hi Brothers and Sisters, I am Sister Nicole Hilton, I am a missionary at the Family History Center and this is my home ward.

             I’m going to start my talk by sharing with you a journal entry I recently wrote on the 25^th of January. I titled it Do You Want Sushi, or Sushi?

            “Today I was trying to decide what to do in the morning. Later on, I had plans to attend a YSA 25 and older get together at the bowling alley, and then dinner afterwards at 4 pm.

Suddenly, I was sidelined by a text from Sarah—an invite to come hiking in Zion National Park! So I dropped everything and ended up switching cars with my mom, taking my dogs, and driving four girls (including myself) and one guy up to Zions, where we proceeded to hike three different trails and have a lot of fun.

            The whole day, Sarah had been talking about Sushi Burrito—a food place I had introduced to this same group a couple months ago in Cedar City. She said, “I swear, I want Sushi Burrito so bad, I’m going to go all the way to Cedar City after this and I’m going to get one! Or, how about we go right now?”

            I thought about it, weighing the risk of burning up too much of my mom’s gasoline, spending the last of my money, and missing the bowling against the yummy goodness of Sushi Burrito. I didn’t have to think too long before I felt something in my gut firmly say NO, thus helping me decide against driving everyone up to Cedar City.

            So then Sarah came up with plan B—maybe I could go bowling, but then meet up with them and go to Cedar inside of doing dinner with the YSA group. I said this was a definite option.

            So we finished the hiking in time for me to get back and just barely have time to drop everyone off back at their cars in the church parking lot, race home to drop off the dogs, and then race to the bowling alley, where…I proceeded to find no one there.

            Well, there were people. Just not my people. I sat on one of the swiveling chairs, thinking…what the crap? Why was there this gut feeling, that I just HAD to get to this bowling activity—against all odds? Why didn’t I just go to Sushi Burrito?

            Nevertheless, I kept on sitting there. I had this feeling that I just needed to.

Then, in walks *Boston, fifteen minutes late (to the activity she organized, mind you). She looked stressed. We discussed our options, and who else might be coming, but no one came.

            We figured, since the whole activity was paid for, and we were both famished, why not skip the bowling and just go out to eat?

            I called Sarah and her group, and told them not to wait up for me, and to go to Cedar City and Sushi Burrito without me.

Then Boston recommended we go to Sakura, which was a rare (and expensive) treat—one of my favorite sushi places of all time. We saw a great Habachi show, I ordered my favorite thing off the menu, and I got to comfort Boston, who told me it had been one of the worst weeks of her entire life. She had broken up with her boyfriend of two and a half years on Monday, and had been really torn about it. I was able to commiserate with her, and offer her consolation.

We talked some more, and everything was paid for by the ward account, since it was an official activity. We hugged in the parking lot and she had a relieved look on her face. She said, “I really needed this.” I said that I did, too.

As I drove away, I not only marveled that God had answered my hankering for sushi—for free, and with such class—but that he had prevented the following scene, which came into my mind. I pictured Boston, at the end of the hardest week ever, walking into the bowling place, looking around, and finding no one at the activity she had planned—me having ignored the spirit and gone off in a different direction to spend money I did not have for second class sushi I didn’t know I didn’t want.

I gripped the steering wheel and prayed as I drove: “Father, I don’t know how you make use of someone as disobedient and lost as me, but despite all my stumbling through the fog of this world, somehow you still do. And I love you for it.”

So if you haven’t caught on, my talk is about service. As my experience demonstrates, the first key ingredient you’ll need in order to be of service to your fellow man is the ability to follow personal revelation. If I hadn’t learned to follow my “gut feeling”, my friend Boston would have arrived at the bowling activity to find nobody there, and her very hard week would have ended in disaster.

            We need to recognize that this personal revelation that will lead us to be more effective ministers begins as a “gut feeling”, or it could be described as our conscience. If we learn to give heed to it, it will expand—especially if we’ve been given the gift of the Holy Ghost. It is neither reserved for the perfected, nor is reserved only in times of crisis. It is meant to be an everyday, every hour, and every minute thing.

            John Taylor related this exchange with Joseph Smith:

“I well remember a remark Joseph Smith made to me upwards of forty years ago. Said he, ‘Elder Taylor, you have been baptized, you have had hands laid upon your head for the reception of the Holy Ghost, and you have been ordained to the holy Priesthood. Now, if you will continue to follow the leadings of that spirit, it will always lead you right. Sometimes it might be contrary to your judgment; never mind that, follow its dictates; and if you be true to its whisperings it will in time become in you a principal of revelation, so that you will know all things.’a” (Journal of Discourses, 19:153-54)

We see the example of someone who heeded their conscience until it grew into the principle of revelation in President Thomas S. Monson—who always seemed to be in the right place, at the right time—to minister to “the one”.

How great a burden it is to know, that those little Jimminy Cricket whisperings are personal revelation for us! And when we ignore those whisperings to do good, the heavens withdraw and are silent for a time. It is therefore essential that we first learn to recognize and obey that which we already have before we can expect to be given anything greater.

            Speaking of receiving “greater”, let’s get to the heart of what Christ has asked us to do. I was given the following scripture to base my talk off of—Matthew 25:

35 For I was an ^ahungred, and ye ^bgave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a ^cstranger, and ye took me in:

36 Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye ^avisited me: I was in ^bprison, and ye came unto me.

37 Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink?

38 When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee?

39 Or when saw we thee ^asick, or in prison, and came unto thee?

40 And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have ^adone it unto one of the ^bleast of these my ^cbrethren, ye have done it unto me.

            Why? Why did Christ use these examples of whom we should serve: The hungered, the stranger, the naked, and the imprisoned. I think it’s because these are often considered the “very least” around us…yet the service offered to them matters the most to our Savior. If we are to be considered “righteous” at the judgment day, this scripture clearly states whom we should serve.

After pondering on this scripture, I had to ask myself some tough questions, and I didn’t come away from it looking very good. In the case of Boston, I know that God put me in that position so I could be a comfort to one of his daughters in her time of need. But, Boston is a peer and a member of my singles ward…I thought to myself, in Matthew 5, Christ seems to be talking about people who aren’t in our everyday lives—people we have to leave our comfort zones—if only a little bit each day—and seek after to find.

Let me pose these questions to you:

• Do you know anyone who is hungry and doesn’t have enough food?
• Do you know anyone who doesn’t have enough clothes?
• Do you know anyone who is in prison or jail?

            If the answer to any of these questions is no, then the next question is WHY? I asked myself, why don’t I know any fellow humans who are suffering from these afflictions?

• Is it because there is no one in St. George, Utah who could use more food?
• Is it because there is no one here who could use some good clothing?
• Is there no one in St. George who is in prison?
• Have I received any hints from my conscience that I need to be doing more for these people?

            Let’s be honest with ourselves. Could it be that we subconsciously avoid interacting with these people? We may give to the shelter around Thanksgiving or Christmas, but do we do what Christ did and seek these people out?

            How much effort do we put forward to seek these people out? When I walk into the nearest homeless shelter, or prison, food bank, or hospital, do the people there recognize me? Am I a familiar face in these locations?

            Do I honestly believe that paying fast offerings, and giving the guy on the corner a couple dollars fulfills Christ’s admonition in Matthew 25?

            Can I really learn to be like Christ by relying on government, my bishop, and others to fulfill Matthew 25? 

After all these questions I posed to myself, I realized something. Maybe the most important part of Matthew 25 is what happens to our own hearts and our relationship with Jesus Christ when we personally interact with those who are in these particular circumstances.

            The good Samaritan didn’t call 911, he sacrificed. He disrupted his travels, his own schedule, his own to do list, and his own money to take care of someone who probably would have been prejudiced against him. Our natural inclination is to run away from situations like that. I think Christ understands that the main point of this admonition is to personally get involved. If we are, in all actuality, Latter-day Saints who carry Christ’s name in our hearts, it seems that Christ would have us be first responders who run towards the afflicted rather than shy away from those who need help the most.

            As I’ve tried to honestly answer these questions, I’ve had to admit that my natural inclination is to avoid society’s most needy, because I feel uncomfortable around them, and I’m unsure I can even lift their burden—or I think they’ll take advantage of me. However, there is one time in my life where God put me in a position where I got to experience actually ministering to those who needed it most, and all my fears turned out to be unfounded. I actually grew closer to my Savior than I ever thought possible…

This time was in the beginning of 2018 when I moved home, and I had to go work at the DI. I admit that, at first, I thought the work was beneath me. I was pretty prideful, and I complained a lot. But after a couple months, and after I got over myself, I started really noticing the people around me. Every single one of them was hurting in some way. One of the people, her name was Anessa, and she was very quiet—she didn’t say much. And as I started to get to know her and ask her more and more questions, I learned more about her situation. First, I learned that she was always hungry, and not for the reasons that I thought she would be. Her parents were her adoptive parents—they had adopted her when she was twelve because she came from another family that was extremely abusive. But these new parents were also extremely abusive. They would force her to eat the things that they like to eat. If she ever came home with any healthy food, they would throw it away and they would force her to eat pizza and chips and candy—which is completely crazy! So, I started to bring healthy fruit and vegetables to work, and she would throw away her pizza and whatever she had brought, and she would share lunch with me. So that’s the first thing I learned about her.

Then I learned that she didn’t have that much clothing, so I shared some of my clothing with her. And then I learned that her adopted parents actually locked her in her room, and only let her out so she could go to work. Then, they would lock her back in her room, and then they would spend her paycheck. And so she was, quite literally, a slave. She was older than 18, but she actually didn’t know any different because her former situation had been so much worse than her current situation.

So over the months, I worked with her and helped her see that life could actually be different. And after she started showing more of her personality and getting up her courage, one day she came into work and she was covered in bruises. I got out of her that her adoptive father had beaten her. And so, she got up her courage, and I took her to the police station. I held her as she had a huge panic attack, and she said she just wanted to go back to her old life. But we got her a counselor and got her into the Dove center, and her life underwent this miraculous transformation, and she became free from her prison.

            I can say after that experience, that Anessa helped me just as much as I helped her. There are moments too sweet to put into words where I felt the presence of Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Parents in my life. Because I accepted that opportunity to serve, because I followed my gut feeling and the spirit, I received more than I gave.

There was a moment after I had moved with Anessa up to Provo and gotten her settled with a job and an apartment, that I taught her how to ride a bike for the first time in a big grassy field. The look of excitement on her face when she felt that freedom and accomplishment made my heart swell with joy. I felt the presence of angels around us, watching two whooping and hollering girls hugging in a field, as though Heaven was celebrating with us. These are the moments I know Christ cares about. Because He suffered for all of us, and bought us with His blood, whenever we lift the ones who truly and desperately need our help, it is a direct service and a relief to Him.

I know that everyone in this audience has real trials in their lives, as well. But from the perspective of Elder Bednar, that’s an opportunity. In his talk at BYU Idaho, called the Character of Christ, he said,

“Perhaps the greatest indicator of character is the capacity to recognize and appropriately respond to other people who are experiencing the very challenge or adversity that is most immediately and forcefully pressing upon us. Character is revealed, for example, in the power to discern the suffering of other people when we ourselves are suffering; in the ability to detect the hunger of others when we are hungry; and in the power to reach out and extend compassion for the spiritual agony of others when we are in the midst of our own spiritual distress.”

“I find myself repeatedly asking the following questions as I ponder this and other events that took place so close to the Savior’s suffering in the garden and His betrayal: How could He pray for the well-being and unity of others immediately before His own anguish? What enabled Him to seek comfort and peace for those whose need was so much less than His? As the fallen nature of the world He created pressed in upon Him, how could He focus so totally and so exclusively upon the conditions and concerns of others? How was the Master able to reach outward when a lesser being would have turned inward?”

Elder Bednar goes on to say:

“We can in mortality seek to be blessed with and develop essential elements of a Christlike character. Indeed, it is possible for us as mortals to strive in righteousness to receive the spiritual gifts associated with the capacity to reach outward and appropriately respond to other people who are experiencing the very challenge or adversity that is most immediately and forcefully pressing upon us. We cannot obtain such a capacity through sheer willpower or personal determination. Rather, we are dependent upon and in need of “the merits, mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah”…

In summary,

1. We must earn the right to have personal revelation, and follow it

2. We are invited to Serve those around us, and go out of our way to serve the hungry, the naked, and the imprisoned in order to grow the closest to Christ—for it is then we are directly serving Him, and it is then we will be called Righteous at the last day

3. And to have our characters resemble Christ’s, we must also reach out and comfort those who are experiencing the same adversity we are going through. We can do this by relying upon the merits, mercy, and grace of Jesus Christ.

            I testify Brothers and Sisters that my heart has been healed the most when I have been on the Lord’s errand. Nothing has been more exciting, yet at the same time grounding and peaceful, and a balm to my soul. I know that if you yearn to feel Jesus Christ standing beside you, and His hand in yours, you only need reach out and minister as the Spirit dictates. I love you all and I hope we can follow the example of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

I say these things in His name, Jesus the Christ, Amen.”

or How To Be Cinderella

By Nicole Marie Hilton

Thurs. April 28^th, April 29^th, Aug 31^st, Sept. 8th 2022

I have been learning about Martha from the New Testament, and how to become a Mary.

I’ve just watched Disney’s Cinderella (the live action version)–and Cinderella’s two stepsisters definitely fit the bill of being Marthas! (Although, they are a great exaggeration of the truth of who Martha was–a faithful follower of Christ—if but a little mislead.)

I think we all have a little Martha inside of us, don’t you agree? President Dallin H. Oaks said, “The Lord did not go into the kitchen and tell Martha to stop cooking and come listen. Apparently he was content to let her serve him however she cared to, until she judged another person’s service… Martha’s self-importance occasioned the Lord’s rebuke, not her busyness with the meal,” from LDS General Conference, 2022.

Christ with Mary and Martha

Like Mary and Martha, we must learn to lose ourselves in the process of serving and seek the Lord’s will.

Martha’s primary mistake on this occasion seems to have been focusing on herself—even as she was serving others. The Savior helped Martha understand that it is not enough to simply serve the Lord and our fellowman. We must learn to lose ourselves in the process of serving and seek the Lord’s will to guide our desires and motives as well as our actions (see Luke 9:24; D&C 137:9). Disciples must overcome the tendency to think first of themselves and learn to serve Heavenly Father and His children with an eye “single to [His] glory” (D&C 88:67). I recently received a blessing that said, “you must give Me the glory…otherwise you wouldn’t truly be happy…” and I couldn’t agree more–although I know that Satan will later tempt me even more with this trial.

(see my article on LDS.org https://www.ldsliving.com/why-selflessness-and-selfishness-may-be-more-similar-than-you-think-the-beautiful-truth-that-teaches-us-about-god/s/88336)

Later, after her brother’s death, Martha showed her focused faith by setting aside temporal concerns and immediately going out to meet the Savior when she heard He was coming–which, to me, shows the very real and promising reality of growing, learning, and becoming (see John 11:19–20).

All the Love of the World Wouldn’t Equal a Millisecond of Love from Heavenly Father

I wrote down some revelation on Thursday, April 28th and 29th, 2022, which I think is important to note here:

God: Nicole, all the love and adoration of the world for your entire life wouldn’t equal the love and adoration from me I’m sending you each and every millisecond…but you won’t feel it.

What I mean is, you aren’t committed to establishing a relationship with me so you can feel it. You have bought into what a lot of my children of your generation and younger have bought into—Satan’s lie which will lead to Satan’s life—one of a whited sepulcher.

Myself: How can I be saved now? I feel so far gone—like I’ve betrayed the Spirit so often that I’ve become numb to it. Even now all I can plan on is how to use my experiences to get gain.

God: You are not so far gone, my Daughter, Sister and Friend. Not until the final judgment. My greatest prophet Joseph Smith initially fell into this trap, too…Your 3-6-9 Journal <an idea I had in order to raise myself out of poverty and off government benefits> inspiration is a good one, but it also depends where you are coming from, and who can help you, and when. If you are coming from a place that is greedy—that is using any fame you’ve acquired just to get money…well then you are buying into what Satan said—that “you can buy anything in this world with money.” And you will be left to ‘kick against the pricks,’ so to speak. You won’t receive any help with it from Me at this time. Joseph Smith had to learn this, so don’t feel badly. Simply becoming AWARE of your subconscious tendencies and bringing them to the light will wash away any darkness you have within you. Just Notice.

Remember when I said that we know what true beauty is? The world has enough Barbies who don’t affect the world for good…what we need are true Beauties.

Whoa…that was good.

You may take all the credit for that one, if you wish. True beauty is like Aaron’s mom or Dr. G’s wife, Joan, or like your massage therapist, Tammy. Don’t you remember the lesson I’ve taught you many times before? You won’t disappear if you are UPWARD–not necessarily OUTWARD–focused, rather, you gain more of yourself back if you focus on Me and on others. You learned this lesson once before–Meeting Jesus Christ and the Universe–or with focusing on your Pineal Gland, which is the physical connection you have to the spiritual world. I’m asking you to take a leap into the dark, my Daughter. If you try to publish all your writings right now without being Spiritually Centered, your life will end in disaster. You won’t be the powerful public speaker I want, and I need you to be.

But I can’t even string two words together sometimes because of my brain injury, Dad!

Let me finish–others will be drawn to you initially, but then be turned off because people can sense radiance. But with each new word you receive from me, your radiant beauty increases. Please focus on that picture you took with my precious daughter, A—that, my Darling girl–is who you truly are and where you truly come from.

Or The Cathedral, or Messages in Eyes and Water, or Looking Through the Viewfinder of God, or Perfect Six-Sided Symmetry in Stillness

Written Wednesday September 7, 2022

I remember receiving my first kaleidoscope when I was about five and living in Salt Lake City. It was just a cheap toy, but I was still amazed whenever I looked from the outside—which contained seemingly random pieces of beads and tinsel—to looking through the eyepiece and seeing everything in perfect 6-point symmetry.

Like the child that I was, though, I left it outside one day in what we kids called The Cave—which was actually a long row of blackberry bushes which arched overhead, connecting with the neighbor’s fence, forming a sort of tunnel in which a child could walk.

One day, I realized I’d left it in The Cave, and running outside, I found it all dirty and mud-soaked. I tried to clean it up as best as I could, but when I looked through the eyepiece, I was shocked to find ants crawling around inside!

I screamed and dropped it…then (like the girl I am)…I ran inside crying!

However, looking back at what I had seen, there was a kind of macabre beauty in the vision of the ants crawling around in their symmetric dance amid all of the colorful beads and tinsel.

Later in my life, I made silver kaleidoscope necklaces for one of my best friends we’ll from now on call Mellie (short for Mellifluous) and I.

After my Leap into Heaven, when I was moved into my new room on the main floor of our house (which was funded generously by many of you reading this), I bought this beautiful silver and white kaleidoscope called the Color Spirit Kaleido.

and, in a stroke of inspiration, I put these stickers all over it:

I knew then on that day, what I know now: that when you look through the Viewfinder, you realize that all is as it should be.

I think life is a lot like that. Consider the girl who just lost her boyfriend…or who cannot decide what to do with her life or even what—if anything—to eat for breakfast…

Or the friend who doesn’t return the favor, no matter how much she preaches of kindness…

Or the woman who is overwhelmed with children and responsibilities, managing her life seemingly all by herself…

Or the child who has been misunderstood, and even abused at the hands of those who should have been her caregivers.

Or the elderly couple, just waiting to die…

All of these messages of despair can be found by looking at the outside of the muddy Kaleidoscope…but yet hope can be found by looking through the Viewfinder of God.

Considering this kaleidoscopic view of life…if we do not have the faith to trust God…that through His power and glory, everything will be made right in the end…well, then just trust someone who does have the faith. That’s the biggest and most powerful lesson I learned from my beloved now-ex, JJ Brown.

This is what Elder Patrick Kearon said in the last General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints:

This message—that everything can, indeed, be made perfect in Christ—is also found in water—especially Snow, I’ve found.

Now, I think we should consider the following scripture, 1 Nephi 19:23, where Nephi says that we should liken all scripture unto ourselves, that they might be for our profit and learning.

There are numerous lessons to be learned here. I think one is that that all things denote that God is. All things can be considered scripture, if we look through God’s eyes.

I know that another lesson water and kaleidoscopes can teach us is that not only God exists, but He is constantly expanding, as well as contracting—just like the Universe—just like the Golden Kaleidoscope JJ bought me all the way from Israel, for Christmas. This one was different from all the others, however, because the beads were fixed in glass, yet turned on two opposing dials—creating a new dimension which was collapsing and expanding at the same time.

Now let’s consider the following images and videos, which signify that there must be opposition in all things—even good things—just as there must, indeed, be a Mother in Heaven who looks after us.

In this iconic scene from the show The Chosen, Jesus Christ explains that some things we cannot explain with our minds, but must, rather, be felt with the heart.

Drinking the Kaleidoscopic Kool-aide of Christ means absolute surrender. It means first having the faith that life may look hectic and weird on the outside, but, if we have the patience to look through the eyes of God, or at least knowing that that eyepiece exists even if we cannot find it at the moment, that it’s actually all in perfect symmetry.

Even if I forget things…I’ve learned to surrender to this message: everything is as it should be.

Soon we can grow into a sure knowledge that the path we trod—though seemingly messy and chaotic—is as it should be. Because if we look closer at the Water of Life, everything and anything combines into perfect symmetry.

And now I will end with this video—which details how we can all be of Christ, or the Crystal—and once we realize this, we will naturally want to rescue all of His children. I know that we each must learn what the Merkabah is, and how to use it, in order to fulfill our future missions.

Or Equal and Opposite in All Things Including Christ the Rock

This morning, I was getting ready to login to my scripture app, when the Spirit whispered to me, “Do you see that picture of Jesus Christ?”

“Yes…” I replied.

HG: “Do you remember what President Nelson said in last General Conference?“

I then replied, “Yes…something about taking vitamins because it’s going to be exciting. So, what?”

“Well…” the Spirit seemed to say, “do you also remember Moses up on the mount?“

“Of course I do.“

“You see that new archway? Looks awfully a lot like a tablet, don’t it?”

I: “yes, and it’s ‘doesn’t it,’ you’d think the Holy Ghost had proper grammar—seeing as how you know all things…😂”

HG: “I’m just seeing if you’re awake…“

I: “I am!“

HG: “well, what if Mary Magdalene is going to be in the second archway?” <mic drop>

Me/Myself/I: 😳

By Nicole M. Hilton

Sunday July 10^th, 2022

There are subjects too dark or too sacred for others to handle. People who haven’t been exposed to a crystal meth addiction, for instance, could become uncomfortable talking about it—even for five minutes—and would say that the “spirit left” as soon as the person started to tell him or her about it in detail. People who haven’t been exposed to child sex trafficking could also be uncomfortable watching all of the many documentaries/movies about it, or reading about the details of what happens. They could, in fact, feel a darkness around these movies and the Spirit could tell them to stay away from them.

However, a victim of sex trafficking could be led to these books and films by the same Holy Ghost influence because it would provide an incredible source of healing and understanding for them—understanding from others who have been through it themselves. This is probably the only way for them to start the path to healing—it was for me.

The people who are judging others as representing things that are “dark” are usually using their private discomfort as a way to justify their judgment—and to say that the “spirit” told them to judge a certain way.

Also, Elder Patrick Kearon said in the last LDS General Conference that, “Our merciful Savior, victorious over darkness and depravity, has power to right all wrongs.”

Why is that? It’s because He descended below every experience or knowledge we have—every darkness and depravity—and He was victorious over everything! That means that He understands exactly how that rapist felt when he raped that little girl, or how that person felt when they murdered their kids. I know—this is dark. I know that you probably don’t want to read about these things—and I don’t, either.

Triggers

You need to be sure that you learn to differentiate between being triggered—which is a psychological problem, and the spirit leaving—which is a spiritual problem. The spirit could warn you to leave simply because you are being triggered! In that case, the Spirit could leave you if you ignore it’s prompting, but that didn’t necessarily mean that it left the scene…this doesn’t mean that, say, an AA meeting doesn’t have the spirit there. It just means that you aren’t prepared for the information that is being shared.

Did the early Saints feel triggered when Joseph Smith introduced polygamy? You bet they did. Just because something seems strange or makes you feel uneasy, doesn’t mean it’s wrong—because paradigm shifts feel uneasy. Fear isn’t always an indication of darkness—which is why the angels often have to tell people to “fear not”. The fear isn’t because of darkness, the fear is because they are facing something new. Fear can be an indication of darkness, yes…but not always. If you aren’t prepared for the mysteries, then they will, in fact, be very triggering and cause fear for you! I’ve really learned this with my family, and I recently learned it at church—where a girl was triggered by what I was saying, she went and told the bishop, and the bishop came in and preached against what he supposed me to have said in front of everyone!

Do you ever think that the Savior is triggered, or that the Spirit leaves Him? I believe that we leave Him—not the other way around. If we are talking about some hefty subjects, but are pointed towards Him, then there is no reason at all for us to be far from Him. I’ve heard from Tim Ballard himself that there is no more sacred space than that around children who are being sex trafficked—because of all the angels there surrounding them who are not only prepared to understand, but who stick with them until the very end.

August 11th, 2022

I have experienced a transformation over the past few weeks, and life will never, ever, be the same.

On July 14th, 2022, the gist of what I wrote in my Five Year Journal (which I highly recommend everyone get) was, “met with Dr. S (my psychologist)—and that didn’t really help me much although he listened and mirrored and did all the right things because he just doesn’t know how DID and JJ have actually affected my life—and JJ (the Official Nicole Whisperer) wasn’t there to interpret my messy chaotic all-over-the-place scattered scarred scalding scary and…scatological (?) thoughts.

“Amberlee (one of my new caregivers, whom I love and adore like all the rest) took care of me today and I am really emotionally needy—and I know what I’m doing—I’m trying to get all of my need for understanding/healing from her, or Dr. S (my psych doctor)…anyone but God. But I can’t seem to stop! Worked on my book a bit more today, but it was like pulling teeth! I can’t seem to “figure out my ego,” which God told me I would be able to do in the second blessing (or ‘prayer of faith’) I received today over the phone from JJ.

“So, with my (1) left hip bone having bursitis, causing a pressure sore, my (2) right femur being broken and fused, as well as left femur radiating a ton of pain, my (3) left ankle wound reopened, my (4) back being out on a certain vertebrae, (which mom admitted she could feel, so she scheduled me a massage), and my (5) Rhomboids hurting like hell from all the poisons trapped in my body…well, I was ready to throw in the towel. It’s a bit much when you’re (6) already in a wheelchair and you (7) can’t even take a crap when you want to (although I didn’t use the word “crap”), AND when you’re (8) DID, but everyone around you is scared of the subject and doesn’t want to hear about it, AND you have a (9) Traumatic Brain Injury. I listened to JJ on the phone…he basically let me cry, talked me down, and sacrificed his money and got me a Zion Mat appointment as well as some Glutathione—which we researched and which can help the body detox. Then, he gave me a THIRD beautiful blessing/prayer of faith over the phone for today. It’s been a 2/10 day…(although, compared to what I’ve been through before everyday in elementary school it’s more like a 6/10 day, which just floors me—how strong little kids can be).”

Herein is my rating system for days:

On July 15th, I wrote, “Today I went and did my appointment at Trinity Wellness (the Zion Mat appointment), and I loved it.… Tonight my friend from my singles ward named Crystal came over and we watched the movie Redeeming Love, which is SERIOUSLY my story with JJ to a T (although ours was way more intense to the umpteenth power!) I also spoke with Kassie my BFF (besides Ash Cat), and I’m trying not to be so negative all the time. I’m trying to learn how to pray…like I used to before The Jump—where I’d happily sacrifice an hour or more every morning. I do want that well of living water. I do, I do. It’s been a 4.5 sort of day.”

On July 17th, I (basically) wrote, “Mom and I went to my singles ward to talk to the bishop. However, he said that I have upset a lot of people by the comments I’ve made that aren’t really, well, ‘kosher,’ and I said that I’d be returning to my home ward. We left all sad. But, then Heavenly Father sent me a couple I’ll call The Babbling Brooke, who have adopted a bunch of kids and who truly mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort. It was the perfect end to an extremely ——- day. Thanks Jesus, YOU GET ME. It’s been a 3/10 to 8/10 day, or what I like to call a bipolar day.”

On July 18th, for the first time since what seems like forever, I asked myself the following question: why I’m even LDS anymore? Why can’t President Holland hear about my story and just come over and heal me? Why can’t my Dad or JJ just heal me?? And why is it so hard to remain Spiritually Centered? (No matter how much I think of Jesus…) Then I wrote, “STILL IN AN EFFING WHEELCHAIR 🤬 3/10”.

On July 19th, I basically wrote, “it’s Tuesday…went swimming with mom’s Relief Society (was faking it the whole time—and quite aware of that fact—it was making me feel like I was going to jump out of my skin or explode despite the kindness of everyone around me), watched JJ’s video about the Deep State, and JUST GOT DONE SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS TO MY BLUE WALLS, ‘I’M NOT OKAAAAAAAAAAY!’ over and over and over—freaking both my parents out—and I rudely yelled, ‘ignore it! Just go out and let me scream!’ I cannot tell how awful it has been not being able to go out to my car or to the desert at will and be able to release whole dump-truck-loads of emotion like I used to almost daily…and I’ve been doing Sananga—sometimes twice daily—but it barely helps. Received another amazing blessing/prayer of faith over the phone from JJ, where God told me that progress isn’t pretty. (Truer words were never said! But, am I even making any progress?!) Then, I heard—in the stillest and smallest of voices, ‘the world doesn’t necessarily need the truth, because there’s a lot of truth out there…what the world needs are YOUR thoughts at this time.’ Well…here they are: I’m EXTREMELY frustrated that I have to put on a freaking ACT all the time! And I feel like I’m in a fog…just a little child wandering around in a fog, crying for something she’s forgotten. Like Dory. 2/10”

On July 22nd, I was laying in my bed, just suffering, thinking about all of the things I wish I could do, when I realized I needed to detox my body some more from all the many medications which seem to be stuck in my tissues—causing a peculiar kind of pain one needs to experience to understand.

And so, I took my Biomat and laid it on the floor, then (in a very rare burst of “I Can Do This Myself!” Syndrome) I fell—very clumsily—out of my bed onto it, got myself situated, and tried to relax as the Biomat heated up with infrared rays and got to work.

I had a pretty good sweat going when my mom came in and got me up. Eventually, she saw what I couldn’t feel: two huge burns on my rump.

My mom freaked out, I was freaking out…everyone was freaking out! (Except JJ on the phone, who has mastered the art of remaining calm.) I had gotten some third degree burns, which I’ll illustrate…for your viewing (dis)pleasure.

I asked myself, this has never ever happened before laying on my biomat for the same amount of time…so why do crazy things Always seem to happen to me?? Then I texted my amazing massage therapist, Teri, for guidance and counsel. (I promise I’m going somewhere with these seemingly random details and winding story.)

I thanked her and felt this anxiety which had been building up behind my heart for half a year suddenly burst forth like Mt. Vesuvius. I had been lying to myself…I knew exactly what those burns were about in my heart—even though I hadn’t been able to admit it for a very long time.

The burns were about breaking up with JJ.

Jj is the man who’d given me an estimated 700+ blessings since we met under the pagoda in a park in St. George for the first one. The man who’d seen me act so very, very strangely once I’d moved out to Virginia to be closer to him—who’d seen the dawning comprehension in my face as I stood there in “our” kitchen when I realized I had multiple personalities. Who’d seen my eyes, mannerisms, voice and vocabulary change over and over. Who’d witnessed when the different parts of me had become self-aware and named themselves Marie, Nollie, Question, Why, and Wonder…among many others. Who’d literally wrestled me to the floor many times and pinned my arms to my sides to keep me from hurting myself. Who’d traveled across the country and back just so I could wave at him from my window in the psychiatric ward after yet another suicide attempt and see him let a red balloon drift into the blue blue sky…Who’d witnessed the darkest, most programmed part of me Why cut my own chest with a wire over and over on FaceTime until blood dripped onto the floor in defiance against him, against God, and against all light. Who’d been there at 2 am…3 am…4 am…and 5 am more days than either of us can remember on the phone to offer comfort, to point out when my thoughts weren’t aligned with truth, and to channel God’s words straight into my soul. Who’d been the one to see through location services that I was on top of Webb Hill, and who’d saved my life by calling my parents.

He is, without a shadow of a doubt and despite his failings, one of the most Christlike men on earth and the only one (that I knew of) equipped with the heart to love me despite of—because of—and through my DID. I wish I could explain what we’ve been through—but I’ve tried to finish this sentence for two days, and all I can do is to quote the Book of Mormon verse in Moroni chapter 9 that says,

“…and the suffering of our women and our children upon all the face of this land doth exceed everything; yea, tongue cannot tell, neither can it be written.”

And truly tongue cannot adequately tell, neither can pen write or voices be able to sing or hands sculpt or TV screens show what we have been through together.

I began an angry dialogue with God, through huge sobs which felt might re-break my neck for the third time. I went through a whole box of tissues in one night. I can’t even tell you how many times he’s been there for me—and with very little return on my part for all of his trouble—and “now you’re asking me to give up the redemption we were going to bring to the entire world? In return for what?! Someone better? Well, Father, you can take that someone better and leave him in the brighter sunshine. I want to stay, right here in the twilit morning hours in our off-the-grid cabin of my mind with this writer of our countries laws!”

He’s the man who had learned how to heal me—and, therefore—others from DID, right there in the trenches with Christ for years…ever since I stood in his kitchen and had the realization that made his confusion at my odd behavior make sense. He was my utmost confidant. We knew each other better than most married couples know each other—and that’s with 2,284 miles between us…or at least it seemed that way.

The Spirit then told me to look up this talk on YouTube.

In this amazing talk, Matthew Holland says, “Sometimes in response to prayers, the Lord may guide us down what seems to be the wrong road—or at least a road we don’t understand—so, in due time, He can get us firmly and without question on the right road. Of course, He would never lead us down a path of sin, but He might lead us down a road of valuable experience. Sometimes in our journey through life we can get from point A to point C only by taking a short side road to point B.”

Then my head and my heart finally gave in.

“I work not among the children of men, save it be according to their faith.” 2 Nephi.

____________________________

September 16th, 2022

Since writing this post, and since breaking up with beloved JJ, the Spirit has rushed in upon my life in such amounts that,

9 But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.
10 But God hath revealed them unto us by his Spirit: for the Spirit searcheth all things, yea, the deep things of God.
11 For what man knoweth the things of a man, save the spirit of man which is in him? even so the things of God knoweth no man, but the Spirit of God.
12 Now we have received, not the spirit of the world, but the spirit which is of God; that we might know the things that are freely given to us of God.
13 Which things also we speak, not in the words which man’s wisdom teacheth, but which the Holy Ghost teacheth; comparing spiritual things with spiritual.
14 But the natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God: for they are foolishness unto him: neither can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned.
15 But he that is spiritual judgeth all things, yet he himself is judged of no man.
16 For who hath known the mind of the Lord, that he may instruct him? But we have the mind of Christ.

1 Corinthians 2

This is a conversation/journal entry between who I believe to be God and myself. It’s what happened after the last post I wrote (“It’s About Him”).

Okay Daddy, I posted it. What do you want me to do to help this pain?

…I’ve just got this image of myself standing at the top of Webb Hill, completely healed, my parents rushing up there in confusion, saying, “how on earth did she get up there?!” Then they seeing me standing up there. They get out of the car and they cannot believe their eyes. Then I smile and we run to each other and fall into each other’s arms, and sink to the ground, sobbing.

Why can’t it happen that way? And why am I afraid and not opening my mind to what you undoubtedly are trying to tell me?

“Peace, my daughter. Your suffering is a moment in time—just a moment. It’ll be over sooner than you think. I am here. I’m trying to teach your more newly integrated parts (you have more than you realize) as fast as they’ll go—which is quite fast—that it actually pays to trust in Me. Do you remember?”

(He then quoted a song I wrote after I finished the seventh Harry Potter book, a song I didn’t remember):

“Just Trust in Me, we will find the way, trust in Me, it’ll be okay…tears will fall, dawn will come, clouds will break through to Son…Love’s will be done. When you’re cold, and scared, trust in Me…..”

Well, I’m really really cold from all these neuropathy shocks, and I’m very, very scared, Father. I’m scared that I’m going to be in this level 9 pain for the rest of my life! And I have very, very good evidence that that will be the case. If I could but feel energy healing me or Heavenly hands I’d feel so much better. Why can I not feel that right now?

“Because one of your shattered parts has been fronting and needs to learn how to access this gift.”

Then, taking another leap of faith by watching Don’t Miss This, I gathered this quote:

“Where there is abundant grief, there will be joy. This is who God is and how He works. We can live in expectation of a fullness to come, because that’s who He is, and what He does.”

Well, after Emily Freeman said that, I felt warmth on my hands. Then she asked,

“What restoration are you longing for?”

I thought, the restoration of, at the very least, my bowels and bladder working, the restoration of my peace and faith in God, and the restoration of the Holy Spirit in my life!

I garnered a bit of faith…of expectation…of hope for the future. I tried to keep it in my mind and heart.

Then, I randomly found this quote from ACIM:

If you knew who walks beside you on the path that you have chosen, fear would be impossible!

A Course in Miracles

Later, this is what happened:

Journal entry for next day

So, this healing water from John Ellis is what woke up the nerve endings in my feet and calves a year ago—and they’ve been awake ever since, causing me unheard of pain that I’ve managed with a whole lot of medications…until now.

My Spirit has been gunning for a leap of faith. I have a friend who’s been doing all sorts of therapies to wake up the nerves in his legs so he can walk again, and the last time I saw him, he was in so much pain he couldn’t even think straight. I offered for us to go get some John Ellis water (look it up!) because he believes the only way out is through the pain. (Aka, by waking up all the nerve endings and unifying the tears in the nervous system to the point where your flesh responds to your brain’s commands.)

I felt very foolhardy (this came from not being able to urinate by yourself for a year and a half, and having a solution in this magic water dangle right before you for “just” the price of pain) saying,

“God, you’ve caught me so many times before but this part of me doesn’t remember…but I’m going to go out on a limb here, and I’m going to ask you, when I jump…will you catch me?? You have caught me before so many times, but I—this part of Nicole—needs to know you’ll do it again for me, too.”

So, we got the water, and I proverbially jumped.

…..Later, after drinking this d%^*#!d water all day, walking my nerves up to the point where burning at the stake would be equal to the experience, I begged JJ through tears and gritted teeth to give me a healing blessing to take the pain away and he couldn’t. So, I’m screaming and crying and my Dad and Mom come down. Mom gave me more pills and was crying over me, Dad put hands on my head, and I honestly don’t remember anything after that. I sorta…maybe remember him saying words but then it was all blessed sleep and blackness.

Next thing I know, I’m waking up with the morning sun coming through the shades, my heart isn’t beating erratically anymore, there’s no beads of sweat falling from my forehead because of unheard of pain—but, there is a PLEASANT tingling sensation in both of my legs—and it’s higher than ever. Yes, I can’t walk yet—but this miracle proves to me that someday, I will.

I didn’t take any pain meds today. First time since I woke up in the hospital at the end of 2020.

I’m a living Miracle.

I asked myself just now—writhing in hellish nerve pain that has traveled up to the middle of my thighs because of John Ellis’s healing water: what am I supposed to learn from all of this???!!?!?!!?!!!?!!?

Then I remembered the answer what’s-his-face taught me—if you haven’t healed from something…it’s because it’s serving a FUNCTION in your life.

So then I effing realized—deep down to my very bones, finally, the lesson I’ve been VERY aware of needing to learn but somehow, unable to learn until now: it’s not about me. It’s about Him.

It’s not about Nicole, who <insert whiney voice> jumped off Webb Hill and went to Heaven and who’s been the focal point at my proverbial coffee table ever since—it’s about Him.

And right when I realized that—just for a couple moments—the pain suddenly lifted.

For a few moments…but it was enough; I’m realizing that if something is in your life—no matter what it is—it truly is serving a function: if you don’t like it and you want to change it, you need to learn the lesson deep deep and deeper down to the marrow of your bones—then, your circumstances will change for the ultimate Good, and the ultimate God.

I realized that this is a party for Jesus Christ. He is the focus. And He is deserving of it. None of the rest of us is!! And right when you learn this lesson, He gives all the focus you need to fulfill your mission back to you. But you need to keep on giving it to Him for the rest of your life. Only then will we become like Solomon, who started out his career truly humble, who gave everything to God, and then God made everything—wrung every good drop out of that man’s destiny.

So, how do I stop this pain and even eventually stand up and walk? I need to not only have my focus on—but give the focus, and trust to—Him. Then I’ll be the instrument He needs me to be.

Am I the other God I’ve been worshiping?

This Sunday morning I’m here in bed, exhausted, sobbing, fatter than ever, huge incisions down my right leg, my feet and calves feeling like twisted smoking rebar, and I’m praying to God and I’m all like,

“I don’t understand, all I wanted was to be—“ and right here, I tried to say the word loved, but my true Spirit came out and quietly said, “worshipped…”

Before me flashed all the ads, the icons, the celebrities, the Pinterest boards, YouTubers, Facebook profiles, influencers—and most especially, the pictures I used to take where I could decidedly hold my own with any of them—and I realized that it was all a ploy to be worshipped in the place of God. 

Exodus 20:3. One of the oldest yet most famous commandments: thou shalt have no other gods before Me. And yet what have I done my entire life? I’ve been worshipping my talents, my story, my face, my body…all the while wondering why I only have the Spirit sporadically.

I’ve been so terrified of going to my family reunion looking and feeling fat, when all the while my Spirit has been skinny. 

I wish it was exactly the opposite.

Yesterday we Wheeling Warriors saw the second TopGun movie, and took a picture after. It is decidedly the worst picture of my body I’ve ever had taken. 

I don’t want to show this fat-cheetah-on-wheels picture. I’m still ashamed. I want to hide myself, because I don’t want to be seen naked. But isn’t that—AND the opposite (I’m proud of my body and want to show myself naked?!)—what’s been increasingly in the air for the past 10 or so decades??

A strict requirement of stardom, especially for women, is to uncover that which is most sacred, at least in all my waking memory. And Babylon’s band beats on, shouting for more and more nude sycophantic Miley Cyruses—until even that isn’t enough. Now we must become warped as well, until the public and private vision of what’s truly beautiful has us so confused when we look in the mirror again, and again, and again, when we should be looking up instead.

You know, a line just came to me—

For true inner peace, you must look upward in worship, then look outward in love.

A Talk by JJ Brown

Nicole asked me to post a talk I recently gave in church about how Christ helps us heal from life’s traumas. At the end, I share a sacred healing experience Nicole and I had with the Savior. Few of our friends or family had heard this part of the story.

The LDS Church doesn’t allow photographing or video recording sacrament meetings but does not ban audio recordings. I occasionally record my own talks for my own purposes. This talk does not represent official doctrine of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It is only my own views, which are constantly developing.

By Teen Nollie, May 13th 2022

I’ve heard somewhere that the three main questions everyone asks in this life is, Do you see me? Do you hear me? And, do you understand me? 

I know that this is true. 

It’s been a full year and a half since coming back from Heaven–where I was seen by the All-Seer, heard by the All-Hearer, and completely understood by He Who Understands All. And not just that, but I was honored.

I really don’t know how to write this next part, because it’s supercharged with emotion still. (Like, I’m full-blown sniffling right now.) And I don’t know how to uncharge it because I’m still right in the middle of it.  I guess I just need prayers and understanding. 

I really don’t want to write something damning about my three current caregivers. They have more than bent over backwards to help me, to make my life comfortable, to surround me with beauty. But I need to actually write about this.

They just aren’t equipped to see me. To hear me. And to understand. No matter how many times I’ve pointed out to them that I have multiple personalities, no matter how many times I’ve shown them the evidence on my phone, had JJ talk with them, begged them, pleaded with them to hear me! To see me! To understand me! They simply won’t. Or they simply can’t.

My “littles” (the Nollies) have definitely grown up over the past year and a half. But not in a pretty way. I feel that I have become a shell of the bright light I used to be. They say that the most hurtful way of communication is stonewalling, and Nollie has been stonewalled–absolutely. And I don’t know how to heal it. I keep on hoping that whenever I feel this way, that the wiser parts of me will talk with me and try and help me, but they don’t. And then there’s the fear that maybe I’m the wiser part of Nicole, and I’ve fallen this far!

When I came back, JJ’s eyes have been the closest to the understanding and the love I felt from Jesus Christ..

And those with whom I live? They’ve broken my heart.

And, for once, I can’t run away. I’m going to have to grow up and deal with this somehow. I keep on praying, God, help me. And it’s really hard to have faith when you’re experiencing a part of yourself that was hurt so badly that faith isn’t possible moment to moment.

Update: Sept 14th, 2022

I feel like President Eyring, when he said that, basically, the trials of his past were like child’s play compared to what he’s dealt with since then.

Child’s play.

I don’t know if this is comforting or downright distressing. Perhaps it’s a bit of both.

Because I now understand exactly what he was talking about.

or Broken Things

I’m now sitting in the back of my parent’s car, my leg in a splint. We’ve just come from the hospital. I have been wiping away tears which are coming—but not for the reason you’d think.

So…earlier today around 10:30 am, I fractured my femur. Della and I were going to a therapy appointment, and I took a tumble in the gravel. I immediately felt something snap when I landed crookedly on my leg—and I knew that my femur was broken. I looked down at my leg, and it was bent weirdly where it shouldn’t be. I thought: “that does  NOT look right…”

I had just had an almost sleepless night where the Spirit was so strong. God was teaching me things about how He works, how to think about life, and how to be graceful in the face of adversity.

And with any new outpouring of the Spirit, adversity tests us. 

Just to see what we’re going to choose: to remain steadfast in the light with ever increasing levels of faith, or to succumb to whatever the devils are whispering in our ears?

To remain Spiritually Centered during a trial is what will increase our faith. My faith is growing as, moment by moment, I just choose to trust. It’s a choice. I’m holding in my mind the vision I have of myself with my perfect body in the future, completely radiant and translated—not a scar on my body or a broken bone—laughing and in love. 

I don’t think anything happens without some cosmic force guiding us. If we work with God and trust Him, I believe the power of Christ can and WILL be manifested in all of our adversities, and we can have the Spirit—that force—with us always.

May the fourth be with you.

I guess it’s my Special Day…

It’s my birthday today. I love my family. My family loves me. Today’s my birthday. 

Notice what I did there?? I created what’s called a palindrome—or a chiasmus—something that is replete throughout the scriptures and even in the recent movie Tenet—which is based off of this amazing chiasmus, with was found in the ruins of an ancient town in Rome, I believe:

Well, my Relief Society President texted me the following: 

Then, I texted what she said to the family, and my brother Levi really put it into perspective for me even more:

I don’t have anything else to say about my birthday chiasmus miracle. Just that it’s interesting and…I dunno, like, spiritually creepy? Like, what else is God trying to tell me today from this miracle?

And now my brother Daniel had just sent me THIS!!!!! Are you friggin’ kidding me?! 

So, my age, 33, is a palindrome, and my birth date is a palindrome and an ambigram!! when JJ heard this, he said the cosmos has spoken: “This is the year you arrive!”