This is a play-by-play of my leap off of Web Hill in St. George, Utah, as recorded by my mother and boyfriend on social media, from the day after my suicide attempt until my first week home from the hospital 3 months later. I fell 60 feet and then rolled another 40 feet down the cliff. That was the beginning of a long stream of miracles. Among those, was my mother’s decision to go against her natural inclinations and social training to honor me by doing what she knew I would want her to do: go public with the truth.
Loved ones suffer alongside the survivors of trauma and abuse and in some ways can be co-victims. Often, parents are innocent bystanders who feel powerless to help or even understand their struggling child. These parents also need to know that it’s not their fault and that they are supported and understood. The level of helplessnessContinue reading “A Mother’s View”
Here is a useful description of steps of the healing process for those with DID. Sometimes healing involves fusing the various alters, but not always. Elements of each step can bleed between these steps, and elements of the early steps will still present themselves even during later steps. Each step can be messy, but this outline helps me recognize that messiness can actually be evidence of healing.
The Mind is a battleground between Light and dark. The dark side uses abuse and trauma to overtake the mind and turn it into a killing field, destroying all hope, empowerment, self-worth, and light. Agency is neutralized as the victim’s mind is flooded with a torrent of dark choices. For survivors, hope must be rediscovered, empowerment must be relearned, self-worth replanted, and the Light reached for against a current of despair.
When the dark side arranges the unimaginable against the most innocent, the mind wipe and compartmentalization of the event become a harsh but necessary blessing. Though a protection, the dissociation expresses itself as a mental illness—a disease against peace of mind and relationships. When the time for healing comes, Pandora’s box must be opened—for what’s inside is what needs to be healed…yet it might be opened in different ways for different people—with me, only emotions manifest. My frustration with this was evident when, in 2016 I prayed for my actual memories to come back (written about here). This is a poetic metaphor about that experience.
Victims of trauma rarely experience peace of mind. Their thoughts can be a cacophony of inner voices and emotions tumbling in and out of the frame. When the victim does experience a moment of stillness, it can be fleeting and sometimes even troubling. It may require new training to feel comfortable and at home with a quiet, peaceful mind.
Three types of voices compete for our thoughts: promptings from the Light, confusion and deception from the opposition, and our own voice. Promptings from the Light gently lead us toward greater freedom, peace, and joy. The dark side will play into our ego, urges, and worldly wants to lead us to a loss of freedom, distraction, and unhappiness. Learning to discern between these voices is the most critical tool in overcoming our captivity. Seeking for and heeding promptings from the Light is the quickest path to knowing God and discovering how much he loves us. By following my spiritual promptings, Heavenly Father was able to effortlessly upgrade my joy and my ability to serve.
In order to fully heal, it is important to understand that there is a purpose in what we’ve gone through and that God, rather than abandoning us, has been supporting our life plan. This is necessary, because we cannot fully heal without God. When I have asked, God has led me to greater understanding of my suffering and a path to healing. He has also given me the support I need to walk that path.
DID isolates each part of the victim that’s been hurt. These parts can distrust and even hate one another. They have different priorities and memories, and it is all arranged to produce stark, unsettled isolation. Relationships with others becomes complicated, and if the programming is threatened with a healthy, romantic relationship then disruptive defenses are triggered.
With great trials come tender mercies. They remind us that we are not forgotten after all. They can be a lifeline in the worst storms. The crueler the storm, the more tender the mercies can be. You deserve them, so seek for them and hang onto them.