I’ve cursed God—at the top of my lungs—with every insult available to me. Where was He!? How could He let that happen to me!? My logical conclusion—confirmed by terrible, real-life experience—was that I’m not worth His attention, that He doesn’t actually care about me, or that He does not exist. But I knew He was there, and this knowing rounded out my feelings of bitterness, gloom, and abandonment. Three times when suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane, Christ begged God to make it all stop. God let it go on. And then, at the worst moment on the cross, Christ was left completely alone. I’ve discovered that Christ does understand. I’ve learned to put my faith on Him, and He connects me to the Father…a loving, caring, and responsive Father.
Surviving Trauma can be an extreme roller coaster–lots of low, some highs and not a lot in between. Survivors can experience spiritual highs which balance out the terrible lows. It’s possible to become accustomed or addicted the extremes which give meaning and definition to a traumatic life. To adjust to a life of peace means to become accustomed to a much slower and simple ride. Survivors may struggle to accept and find meaning in a more stable, peaceful life.
When the dark side arranges the unimaginable against the most innocent, the mind wipe and compartmentalization of the event become a harsh but necessary blessing. Though a protection, the dissociation expresses itself as a mental illness—a disease against peace of mind and relationships. When the time for healing comes, Pandora’s box must be opened—for what’s inside is what needs to be healed…yet it might be opened in different ways for different people—with me, only emotions manifest. My frustration with this was evident when, in 2016 I prayed for my actual memories to come back (written about here). This is a poetic metaphor about that experience.
The dark side uses trauma to infect our minds with powerful packages of negative thought patterns, emotions, and behaviors. They’re often reinforced with a stream of voices that invade our minds. It takes tremendous willpower, in the face of this barrage, for trauma victims to “do the right thing” and “say the right thing” all day long. Friends and family notice the slip ups but are unaware of the hundreds of victories that go unnoticed and unrewarded. A person has limited willpower to expend each day, so cherish it and use it wisely. Count your victories, not your losses, and see yourself for the hard-core superhero you actually are.
What follows was written by my boyfriend. His insights into Mary Magdalene’s life and trials give me hope. They also give me hope in Jesus Christ.
Victims of trauma rarely experience peace of mind. Their thoughts can be a cacophony of inner voices and emotions tumbling in and out of the frame. When the victim does experience a moment of stillness, it can be fleeting and sometimes even troubling. It may require new training to feel comfortable and at home with a quiet, peaceful mind.
Discerning between Light and dark voices makes the difference between happiness and misery. The fruit of the Spirit of God brings joy and progress, but the fruit of darkness is misery and deterioration. In spite of heeding the wrong voice, Heavenly Father still found a way to show me He loves me.
Three types of voices compete for our thoughts: promptings from the Light, confusion and deception from the opposition, and our own voice. Promptings from the Light gently lead us toward greater freedom, peace, and joy. The dark side will play into our ego, urges, and worldly wants to lead us to a loss of freedom, distraction, and unhappiness. Learning to discern between these voices is the most critical tool in overcoming our captivity. Seeking for and heeding promptings from the Light is the quickest path to knowing God and discovering how much he loves us. By following my spiritual promptings, Heavenly Father was able to effortlessly upgrade my joy and my ability to serve.
In order to fully heal, it is important to understand that there is a purpose in what we’ve gone through and that God, rather than abandoning us, has been supporting our life plan. This is necessary, because we cannot fully heal without God. When I have asked, God has led me to greater understanding of my suffering and a path to healing. He has also given me the support I need to walk that path.
DID isolates each part of the victim that’s been hurt. These parts can distrust and even hate one another. They have different priorities and memories, and it is all arranged to produce stark, unsettled isolation. Relationships with others becomes complicated, and if the programming is threatened with a healthy, romantic relationship then disruptive defenses are triggered.