Confession

Sunday, December 3, 2023

“Arguing with someone is rhetoric. Arguing with yourself is poetry.” —William Butler Yeats

A part of growth when you have DID is finding the truths that you once knew and relearning them all over again

I confess that I’ve been afraid to write this post, deep down inside of me. That fear hasn’t been in my conscious mind, but it’s been there nevertheless, underneath the surface—like cancer. I just hope I can make things right before it’s too late.

If you’ve been a follower of my blog for awhile, you may have noticed that it hasn’t been up to the caliber I started it with.

I’m realizing now that it’s not for a lack of material…it’s because of a lack in me.

My dad is a structural engineer—he checks out the foundations of homes to make sure they are sound. My mom is also (basically) a doctor. She helps the sick get well. It’s crazy that they have been here the whole time, showing me the way, and I’ve been too prideful to see it. And it’s not that they are without pride at all…that’s not it. It’s that that my focus has been prideful.

Do you see what I’m saying? I should have been focused on making sure that my spiritual structure and spiritual body are sound. That’s my job. My job is not to make others repent. It’s to make me repent.

The scriptures say that we should confess our sins to those we’ve sinned against. They say the following:

I realized that a step in the repentance process I’ve been missing during the past year is to confess my sin to the persons I’ve sinned against. I’m saddened to confess to you how I’ve failed you.

I’ve failed you in that I’ve thought I could fake righteousness. I’ve thought this ever since I’ve assimilated some of the darker sides of myself. I’ve thought that this seed of pride wouldn’t show fruits…but it has.

Negative feedback is powerful. I’d like to say that I’ve listened to all of the negative feedback from my lack of having the spirit in my life and the people around me, but I haven’t.

It’s only now, when the foundation of my body—-which is the rear end I sit on all day, everyday—has gotten so painful that I’m finally willing to see the fruits of my negative labors and actually try to change.

[Basically, my butt has been hurting so badly that I’ve been confined to being on my stomach. If I sit up, for even 10 seconds (and even though it’s below my injury site, where I’m not supposed to feel), I’m in such excruciating pain that it’s almost like walking on nails. Or sitting on nails.]

How weak I am! I’d like to say that I feel like Nephi when he says the following verses—but I’m not even that! I’m LOWER. I can only agree that the bolded verses that follow are true in my current experience:

17 Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched (wo)man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.

18 I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.

19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.

20 My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

21 He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh.

22 He hath confounded mine enemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me.

23 Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night-time.

24 And by day have I waxed bold in mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me.

25 And upon the wings of his Spirit hath my body been carried away upon exceedingly high mountains. And mine eyes have beheld great things, yea, even too great for man; therefore I was bidden that I should not write them.

26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

27 And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy? [And why am I prideful because of my story?]

28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.

29 Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.

30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.

31 O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?

32 May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may walk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!

33 O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way—but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy.

34 O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is (s)he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is (s)he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.

35 Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.

…But I can’t even agree with him on the non-bolded verses!!

My faith is lacking!

The scriptures also say that we must…

Love the Lord with all your might, mind, and strength.

You can’t fake that.

Oh, I’ve been trying to fake this. But I’ve been shown that I’ve loved myself and my prideful ways more than Him.

One of my brothers recently told me that he keeps all of his sacred experiences in his heart. I’ve thought, how does he do that? And how is it that I’ve prostituted mine so easily?

I recently confessed to God that I’m truly sorry for being pharisaical, and (perhaps like Joseph Smith initially wanting the plates in order to make money, then being shocked backwards when he reached for them) wanting to make money from my books just so I can get a house of my own.

But then I realized Joseph didn’t try to hide this fact from the masses. He confessed it.

So, this is my confession.

I’m just sorry that it’s taken 1. many people being put off by my pride and 2. my hurting butt to get me to change. This isn’t real repentance! This isn’t love or even fear of God! This is being forced to change. And forced change, I’m afraid, is almost never permanent.

So, I’m left to kick against the pricks. Which is myself. I’m the one who is, “hurting oneself by resisting” wisdom. I’m the one who, fittingly, can’t even roll in wisdom’s paths!

I’m the one who hasn’t seen the downward trend of my writing…the same things I’ve been going over again and again!

The same brother who said he keeps all his sacred experiences in his heart sent me the following YouTube video, and I’ll end on this note:

Oh, that I could reclaim in a moment the innocence, non-selfishness, and humility of when I jumped off of that cliff and went to Heaven!

Now, I’m afraid that I’d go down to hell to join my body, which is already there. What’s the solution? Be a little bit more like Nephi! Everyday!!

Awake!!!

***Update: after humbling myself, my butt has completely recovered, and I had one of the most spiritual experiences of my entire life. My soul rejoices in how forgiving and amazing God is!!! All I—one of Nicole’s darker personalities—had to do was submit my story and my pride to Him, and He gave me back a blessing that’s literally BEYOND my WILDEST dreams!!!! Submit! He will take care of you!