By Daniel and Nicole Marie Hilton
I hope the title of this post doesn’t scare single people away, because this is amazing information!
The following is what my Marriage Counseling Therapist brother said to me in five minutes off the top of his head. It’s a bit random, but worth the effort to try and understand:
“After marrying, it’s now between you and God to finish the unfinished business of your childhood.
“Children who are securely attached more than 72% of the time—are good.
“But in other relationships if there is no return and repair, it would be an insecure attachment.
“‘You need to have something of God in your father before you find your Father in God.’
“Trying to get your wounded spouse to be your secure attachment = good , but trying to get them to be your Higher Power = bad.
(See the triangle where God is above, and two people are on either side.)
“If someone is attention seeking, they are looking for deeper connection. Your role must be to increase your capacity to communicate.
“With couples, you need more intimacy to deepen connection…but do NOT focus on childish needs. Your relationship with your spouse should be 5 to 1 positive to negative interactions.
“Above 11 to 1 is too much positivity. That’s codependency.
“Being in a relationship with your spouse is about Choosing and being Chosen.
“In codependent enmeshed relationships you put your spouse in the place of God. You will escalate off of each other. You need to be okay with saying or receiving the answer NO.
“Don’t be disengaged, either. That’s too many boundaries.
“The more divergent the values, the more stress in the relationship.
“Self betrayal is when you betray the vertical attachment with your higher power. This equals resentment. (“I don’t feel like I have my own choice.”)
“Resentment is just as bad as contention.
“Being 100% non contentious is being weak. And you can’t trust someone who’s weak.
“Truth is what you should be most loyal to. Truth should govern the self, and the self should govern the body.
“Intimacy doesn’t require sameness. It requires honesty.
“Peace = negotiation (win-win) and acceptance (surrender)
“The closer you are to God, the easier peace in your marriage and elsewhere is.
“You want complimentary strengths, but close values in your relationships.”
Of course, one might say why should I listen to you? I used to be married—twice—and I’m not married anymore because those husbands were…well………..but I tried my absolute best, and I’m proud of that.
My minor at BYU was also family life. I loved it even more than my English Major. I was also a nanny to a…pardon my French…bat-shiz-crazy rich family and I held it together until I left that situation. The children who I loved so much, and who loved me so very much back, didn’t even get to say goodbye.
This broke my heart.
I can still see their faces. One of them said, “You won’t leave us, will you? All of the other nannies left. But you’re our favorite. You promise you won’t leave?”
I’d always say, “I would never leave you, I love you too much.”
But in the end, I had to protect my own sanity, or we both would have drowned.
I still carry a picture of them in my wallet.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Anyway, here’s where I’m going to deposit more videos (basically shorts from YouTube) and practical advice about marriage and family:
Healing with Christ 