Wednesday, June 8th , 2022
by Nicole Marie Hilton
Narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD, is a complex personality disorder that’s often misunderstood. Narcissism is defined by the Oxford Dictionary as an excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and/or one’s physical appearance.
On PsychCentral, it says that a clinician may diagnose narcissistic personality disorder if someone has five or more of these signs:
- feelings of self-importance or superiority
- frequent thoughts about being good looking, powerful, or successful
- beliefs that they’re separate, special, or above other people
- a need to be looked up to by others
- feelings of entitlement to special treatment or an expectation that others should cater to what they want
- a tendency to take advantage of or exploit others
- difficulty empathizing with other people’s needs, desires, or emotions
- feelings of envy toward others, or beliefs that other people envy them
- behaviors that seem arrogant or proud
Those with DID—and I am definitely including myself in this (that’s why I’m writing it)—may develop Narcissistic tendencies once they start integrating their more self-absorbed personalities. According to PsychCentral, these personalities developed from “being rejected, criticized, or ignored during childhood.”
Check, check, and check.
I will be the first to admit that, since integrating and “gelling together” all the parts of me, that I now exhibit every single sign in the list above. Just another badge on my “list of mental illnesses I’ve experienced” jacket I can sew on.
Why am I admitting to this, and why is it okay? Well…
- Because I know what it’s like to not be a narcissist, having clear memories of being a selfless, caring person in some of my other personalities way back when
- Because I KNOW for a fact that I’ve healed from so many different mental illnesses, and this is just one more hurdle on my way to complete recovery
- And, because I have rock-solid FAITH that God knows the real me, and that He understands
- and that the Atonement is REAL and that it WORKS—having seen so many miracles in myself before
And so, when I get that jacket with all the badges, those badges will be trophies of illnesses and hard things I’ve overcome.
Some people may say, “well, you overcame your food addiction through sheer grit and determination,” or, “you were able to forgive so-and-so simply because you are a good human being,” or “you got out of debt by sheer luck,“ or, “you overcame your panic disorder/Ambien addiction/depression through therapy or Ayahuasca or Kambo,” or, “you weren’t really gay to begin with, and that’s why you overcame that hurdle,” or, “the deepest Satanic Ritual Abuse programming was overcome through those scientific drops you took in Salt Lake City,” or, “oxygen therapy was how you got over your brain injury,” or, “plenty of people have overcome Dissociative Identity Disorder without any mention of Jesus at all in their lives!”
And to all of the people who may be thinking one or all of these things, I say one word, that I hope will resound through all the centuries forwards and back, and will ascend down below to hell and high into the heavens: BULLSHIT.
The Atonement is real. I may not know how exactly it works, or exactly how Jesus has been carrying me through even the easiest or toughest of times, but it works. The most dramatic illustration is, I was twice dead, yet now I’m alive.
Jesus Christ has been the one (I’m crying now as I type this in yet another hospital room-for my leg this time) who inspired all of the knowledge and heart in all of the people who have touched my life for good through therapies or otherwise. (Even if they didn’t know it.) Jesus Christ is the one who has spoken to me through all the blessings I’ve received and whisperings of the spirit. Jesus Christ is the one who holds the very cells of my body together and He’s the reason I have breathed in and out Every. Single. Day.
Yes, He hasn’t healed me from everything with a magic wand. But, here’s the thing: I know He can. He just chose not to. Yes, He’s let me struggle—hard—for where I am today. Why? Because I elected to go through it this way; I know that deep down in my bones. (No matter how fractured they are.)
I may complain about this from time to time, and yes, I’m always—always—searching for alternative therapies and healers to heal me from my paralysis, NPD, and DID—but it’s been this struggle, this not just rolling over and giving up, and the exercising of ACTION through FAITH, that has completely changed me and made me stronger. And, even more importantly: these tools are going to help me point the way for others who may not have the faith to be healed from things instantly but are searching, just as I have been, for inspired things to help them heal.
So, if you are struggling in life from anything—know that I am experiencing Narcissism, but that it’s okay. Because I know that I won’t be in a year or so from now. Because the Atonement works. And Jesus Christ is carrying us all.